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itwf vhilp v ivivo c14 economist suntribune october 14 1987 dr roderick stewart is pleased to announce the opening of his office for the practice of dentistry at 16th avenue plaza hwy 48 16th line markham telephone 2949905 evening and saturday appointments available man disturbed by friends advances sph spicihi bis beautiful 610 spa seals 56 persons 1 hp pumo sfe00 2 speed 1 500 watt heater car- g ssisso tridge filter 5 jets airline cedar the tiara skirts byroyalspas so versatile completely pcrtabte take ii to the cottage or to a friends liven up a party move it inside or outside your choice supply limited fharscham pools hwy 48 v mile n of 16th ave 2548420 bus cjtabsq pools picture frame clearance sale 1000s to choose from lowest prices in canada our 11th anniversary year sat oct 17 10 am6 pim markham arena highway 7 48 dr ed meade is a registered psychologist and director of the markham stouffville family lite centre in this column he answers questions from readers who remain anonymous q my wifes best friend has been making rather blatant sexual advances to me at parties and neighborhood gettogethers she and my wife are inseparable as dfntkt hey are doth home during the wc s j day ive let her know im not in terested but the question is should i tell my wife a i think you are wise to sense the danger the crossover from friendship to sexual intimacy is hazardous to say the least my sense of your situation is that it would be helpful to talk with your wifes friend and let her know in no uncertain terms that you want to keep the friendship platonic is it possible you are unwitting ly giving comeon signals the consequences of close friend cou ples who cross the line of friendship can be more multiple than one imagines it was more common in the 60s during the height of the socalled sexual re volution today it is not so common i would suggest you deal first with the girlfriend if the difficul ty persists you could inform her that you will share your problem with your wife a friend in meade fb m gardensmc q what do you think of a babysit ter who has a fourmonthold child herself who refuses to change the diaper of a twoyear old left in her care she says that the child should be toilet trained by now a it sounds like you could use another babysitter she is expressing a point of view espoused by many parents that is to toilet train a child as early as possible another point of view is to lean on the side of allowing the child to make the decision to toilet train or to wean it sounds like you need to have a 9 good talk with your babysitter or find a new one whose point of view matches yours garden centre 383 main st w stouffville open 7 days a week 6405080 fall clear mce pea fltfcw flt9 ffwa 50 off all plant material evergreens 1 6cu flowering shrubs 1 4cu shade trees i 2cu 1 l rtioss 999 799 599 v unilok holland at 99 o 0 classicoat129 we also carry unilock patio slabs limestone screening v4 barrels sand fertilizers loam triple mix rr ties topsoil nursery stock sod grass seed i bark chips perennials spray chemicals curbing decorative stone gravel large trees peat moss installing unilock paving stones we can tell you everything you need to know for doing it yourself fast delivery buy firewood now ensure dry wood for the winter q my wife and i fight constantly and for no apparent reason that i can see often we cant even re member what we fought about even a day or two after the argu ment this arguing is very dis tressing for me my wife is the only person i argue with like this in my other relationships i am calm and rational i seem to be the one most upset by these arguments my wife brushes them off easily and gets on with her life while i compulse and stew about them my wife and i love each other very deeply and aside from our arguing we have a very caring and supportive relationship what can i so to stop these argu ments a i will assume that when you say you are fighting constantly you are refering to verbal and not physical fighting which would be more serious in nature that you are aware of the effects the fighting has with you and your wife is helpful it may be that in her family background arguing and standing up for ones point of view was an accepted part of the family scene in other families maybe yours the norm might be to bury your differences verbal fighting of itself is harm less in fact it may even be help ful in maintaining ones own indi viduality which in itself can be a greater problem than fighting when we lose our individuality our own boundries can be lost and we can suffer the fears of being swallowed up as sigmund freud pointed out fighting becomes a problem if it escalates to physical violence or if it carries on to affect the physical or verbal relationship it may be helpful for you to reassess the distress you are ex periencing from these argu ments could you learn to be more scientific that is to observe the times when you are in argument perhaps for a time you could pretend that when your wife is angry she is on television this might allow you to be more objec tive in listening to her position the disturbing feelings could be a learned reaction that goes back to childhood to which you could desensitize yourself or the arguments could be focussing on a change in ones perceived role within the marriage or family for instance if your wife has gone back to work in the market place you could be arguing over who does what household chores my suggestion is to identify the themes which trigger the argu ments research in the area of marriage and families has sug gested that couples have a limited group of themes which trigger verbal or physical fights once you have identified your themes you can learn more easily how to deescalate if the fight is getting out of hand remember it takes two to generate a difficult situa tion in summary my suggestion is not to stop the arguments but to understand them and to learn to appreciate each others differ ences you must learn to control the distress rather than have the distress control you dr meade welcomes your ques tions if your response is pub lished name and identity if in cluded will be withheld ques tions may be directed to the mar- kham stouffville family life centre 113 main st markham or community focus 9 heritage rd markham anmvemary saleabratioh custom frames stock frames mats ulnoo 01 including dtnglass off metal frames oval frames decorator prints ti off valid until october 31 temporary parking and entrance at rear for best results bring hours along your works of art k needlepoints photographs friday j saturday oil paintings limited edition prints etc select art galleries 105 13 brook st w uxbridge qnt 8525110