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X ' T T JUST IN FUN Irony A woman got on a bus and too'c the only empty seat, next to a harniless-looking reveller. Soon the opened a map of Matichuria and l)cgan to study it. The reveller gazed at the map for a wliilc and finally addressed the woman in an interested tone: "Sure you're on tlie riglu lius?" he asked. A lady wlio had ordered ice front a new ice man heard the familiar ring of the dumb waiter the next morning. She seized tlic rope and began to pull hut found the effort unusually taxing. Kcverthelcss, thinking the ice man had gone, she bent all her energies to llic task and pulled away until the dumb waiter rose to the kitchen level. Then there appeared not only the cake of ice, but a small boy sitting on top of it. "Young man," demanded tlic housewife, "why did you make me pull you all the way up here:'' "Because," explained the young- ster witli ;i smile, "I thought tlic ice miglit be too licavy for you to Ket into the icebox, and 1 came up to help you with it!" Both in the Eye "Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to go to the doctor. It cost me $5." "That's notliing. Last week a fur coat got into my wife's eye and it cost me .f 300." PATROLMEN OF BAVARIA'S MOUNTAIN WATCH RESCUE INJURED SKIER Ont the Waiting List "1 can't promise you anything," said the automobile salesman to the disgruntled customer, who slammed tlie door on the way out. "What did he want?" asked the dealer. "Oh, he wanted to know if he couldn't turn in the 3940 model which he hasn't received, for a 1947 model." Pasted Together .\fother had baked a two-layer cake for Daddy's birthday. Aged- Three, telling a neighbor about it, said: "\Vc have two cakes for Daddy and we are going to paste them together with icing." You Never Can Tell You never can tell when you're likely to have a change in luck. .Sometimes it comes at tlie most unexpected moment. Like the prim school tcaciier who was making a trip with a group of children and stopped lor lunch at a restaurant. The chihlrcn noticed a garish slot machine in the restaurant and ask- ed what it was. The teacher launched into a lecture on the evils of gambling. Jn order to emphasize the futility of trying to get something for nothing, she said she'd show the children what .'he meant. She, mzrclied over to the slot macjiine inserted a nickel, said "Now. watch what happens," pull- ed the handle, and out poured a flood of nickels. She had Iiit ihc Jackpot'. Not Too Old To Learn A group of elderly women were discussing ways and means of raising funds for tlieir church or- ganization. One suggested organ- izing a class in glove making. â- "Do you really ihink that's neces- sary at our age:'' asked an old lady in the rear. "What â€" glove making!-" asked the other. "Oil, 1 thought you said love making." Ford's Answer A favorite story about ilcnry ford is the one told on the occa- sion of the I'ords' fiftieth wedding anniversary, when a reporter asked: "Mr. Ford, to what do you altrilnite your succe.ssful marriage!'" The kindly automobile man an- swered. '"The formula is the same as one used lo make a successful carâ€" stick to the same model." Self-Appreciation "Just !i-t(.n to that man talking to liiniself." coiiiiiientcd tlie wife to her husband. .An elderly man, walking in front of them, was talking lo himscll' in a very serious and admonishing tone. Apparently he overheard the remark for he slowed down. and lifting hat, bowed deeply ami with Iwiiiklini; light in his eyes said; "Pardon mr, madam, but it is necessary to talk lo sonic- one sensible sometinies." HOLD EVERYTHING â- M lOINT ; ^.i'^,/'. 'Mt^ c^n- "Mother spends all her time wan- 'siir.R through the stores ... so «ii» decided to make it pay I" Typical member of Bavaria's famed Mountain Watch is Carl Reger, 23, who was born and raised in the mountains and has >';en in the Bergwacht for eight years. On his left breast pocket he wears the red and white badge imprinted with the edelweiss, flower pf Bavaria, the red cross, and the inscription "Bergwacht." ?rt>.ii High in Bavaria's rugged alpine mountains, a three- man Mountain Watch team comes to the aid of a ski accident, victim. First aid already has been administered, and the injured man is being lifted into a toboggan for the trip down the mountain. Many of these ski patrolmen served in the German moun- tain troops during the war; the U.S. Army has carefully screened them to make sure they had no Nazi connections other than military service they could not avoid. By DORA JANE HAMBLIN American Red Cross Representative Garmisch, Germany â€" They sweep down from snowy heights at breakneck speed; they leap yawn- ing crevices with uncanny skill. In their veins, so they say, flows the blood of mountain goats; on their chests gleams edelweiss, the flower of Bavaria. These are the men of the Berg- wacht, world'.s greatest mountain- safety organization. Bergwacht means "Mountain Watch." Members of this fabulous group, who jest among themselves about the renewed strength they receive from goat's blood, have saved the lives of 116 .Nnicricans since V'-E Day. Some 348 of them toiled for 404 hours, at great personal danger, to save those lives. Others put in a total of 108 hours to bring hack bodies of 11 Americans killed wliilc climbing, hunting, or skiing in the Bavarian -Mps. The great influx of sports-loving Americans and the release of the Germans from the regimented life of wartime has made tlie months since \'-K Day the busiest on record for the Mountain Watch. Since then, its men liave rescued 135.') persons, and have recovered the bodies of fiT casualties. Be- cause most deaths are due to falls into almost inaccessible places, it is not uncommon for 27 to 30 Bergwacht men to- spend three to five days on a recovery mission. An all-volunteer group organized in 1920 and sponsored by the Ba- varian Red Cross, the Bergwacht is made up of the mountain coun- try's best men. They may be asked to join or they may apply and wait to be accepted, but hi eltlier case any sturdy, experienced Bavarian skier and moi.iitain climber con- siders the Mountain Watch a top honor. .'\ Bergwacht man gets no pay; he must attend special school twice a year; he goes out day or night, into blinding sun or raging storms, to find and save anyone who needs help. If he is a barber and a call for help comes while he's shiviiig his best customer, he puts down the razor and answers the call like an American volunteer fireman Testimony to his skill is that in th>. 2ii years of some of the most dangerous work in the world, no member of the organization ever has been killed on duty, Though the chief factor in a man's selection for the Bergwaclit is his mountain experience, intensive training in first aid is vital to his success. Reaching an injured victim is only the first part of the job. for often a life hangs on the skill or men trained in emergency first aid practices. Since war's end, all Berg- wacht men have received trainnig in ."imcrican Red Cross first aid techniques. A small group of Bergwacht men has been hired by the U.S. .Army for full-time v.ork at Army resort areas. These men serve as instruct- ors and safety supervisor.s around the trails and ski slopes, aided on weekends by other, volunteer, Bergwaclit men. Before the war most men of the mountain watch were in tlicir twen- ties or. thirties; now tlie ages range from IC to 05. Once a man puts on the edelweiss pin of the Mountain Watch he is (lualified to wear it as long as he can do his job. Weather Flights Over North Pole Army B-20 .Superi'ortresscs have begun weather flights over the North Pole and will make daily flights over the Polo, beginning in jMay. Urig.-fien. Donald M. A'atcs, chief of the Army Air Forces Weather Service, Hew on the first flight last week. He said this was the start of routine A..\.F. weather reporting from the very top of the world. Yates said that from now until May, wcather-efiuipped B-20's will fly periodically from California to Ladd I'leld, I'airhanks, .Alaska, then fly north over Point Barrow, circle over the Pole and return to Cali- fornia by way of Alaska. Beginiiing in >ray, lie said, the s(|uadron of convened supcr-honi- bers will move to .Alaska »ni\ begin daily fligh.ts over the Pole from a base there. On the I'irst flight, Vates said, the B-2'J was in the air Ki hours and 30 mintes. -As it flew over the Pole, an uncodcd message was sent out giving weather conditions. Weathermen say most U.S. wea- ther originates in the North Polar area. ' No "Amber" Lipht; Accidents reduced As a road safety measure, the experiment was made in Glasgow some time ago of cutting out the amber light on the change from red to green in the automatic traffic signals. The experiment has fieeii so suc- cessful that the Highways and Planning Committee of the Town Council have decided to recom- mend to the Ministry of Transport its general use throughout the country. The •Glasgow cNperimenf, car- ried out during the p.ist six months at a number of the busiest cross- ings in the city, has been sticcess- ful in reducing the nuniber of road accidcntf An Experiment With Mayonnaise VOICE OF THE PRESS Will Help Our Stories One pleasing feature about the recent storm is that wc will be alile to IcU our grandchiklrcn 20 or 30 years hence about the good old fashioned winters we used to have â€"Owen Sound Sun- Times. Works Faster Here An exchange tells that in Turkes- tan professional women weepers will cry for six hours straight. More accomplished women and softer hearted men have cut the necessary lime in this country to a minute or so. â€" Port .Arthur Xews-Chronide. A Sure Sign A person may know that old age has marked him for its own when he begins to notice how much his a.ssociates have aged in the past few years. â€"Kitchener Record. Advance Agents Those early robins arc now be- lieved to be advance agents sent in to look over the spring housing situation. â€" .St. Thomas Tiiiics-Jounial- Style Note .A magician has been in the news for getting out of a locked safe in 30 seconds. We'd like to see him get out of the hack seat of some of the new car models in double that time. â€" Peterborough Kxaminer. Professionalized I'.vcryhody's becoming a profes- sional these days. Over in the United States they're even issuing degrees of janitorial engineering to caretakers of buildings. And we understand some of the panhand- lers are insisting on being called professional coin collectors. â€" St. Thomas Times-Journal. Or Something Else Safely c.spcrls say the kilclien is the most dangerous room in the house. .And particularly so in the vicinity of the sink, where a domes- ticated husband is apt to develop a had attack of dishpan hands, or dropping a Spode plate. -^Ottawa Citizen. A Bare Fact Only a few months ago the gals were liming their bare Ic.gs to simu- late stockings. Nylons being made in the U.S. are said to be so sliecr that they arc virtually invisible The trade name for them is "Nude." â€"Fort Erie Times-Review Weak Link One of the great trouble-making factors in a dcinpcracy is the rcaili- ness of the average individual to exercise his right lo believe any- thing that lie has never heard be- fore. â€" .Montreal Financial Times. Wide Camouflage The Germans held property in Canada, which officials of the Caiia- ilian Government had no idea about until papers and records were found when Germany was invaded. The art of camouflage was never limited la war zones or bomb large Is. â€" St. Catharines Staiulanl. Masterpiece of Absurdity The Russians have barred the Salvation .Army from their part of occupied Germany on the ground that "the Army" is a (iiiasi-military body. .Absurdity, nided by .loe Stalin and pals, has achieved what looks like its masterpiece. â€" Brantford Fxpositor. Not Guilty We're convinced that .Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone â€"but never contemplated the party line. â€" Slrall'ord Beacon-llerald. Nothing Owing There is no Communist who does not render a higher loyalt.v to an- ther country, and in support of it he is ready lo destroy this one. Canada owes him nothing, and surely decent labor unions should declare themselves similarly free of such a debt. â€"Windsor Star. Methodist Millions "It is the greatest gain in any church in any year in the history of this country." Thus Bishop G. Bromley Oxnam of New York greeted the March 4 announcement of the .\Ielho<list Council of Bishops that the .Methodist Church had won 1.021.210 new members in the United States during 194ii, topping its "Year of Evangelism" goal of l.OOO.OOO converts. Of the new j^Iethodists, 540,20.') joined by con- fession of faith and 480,045 trans- ferred from other faiths and denominations. The United States membership is now close t"> 9,000,000.â€" Newsweek. Royal Yacht Retired Britain's 4,7 00-lon royal yacht, the \'ictoria and .Albert, which was built in 181)9 and has hcen used on many state occasions, is to retire from active service. The yacht, which is n'o longer regarded as seaworthy, will in the future he used for residential pur- poses by the king and queen when they visit Portsmouth, where the vacbt now lies. HEMORRHOIDS 2 Special Remedies Ay the Makers of Mecca Ointment Meocn Pile Remedy No. 1 is for Protrudinc Bleeding Piles, end is Bold in Tube, with pijw, ur internal appliratiun. Price 75c. Mecca Pil( Remedy No. 2 is for Rxternal It^hioc Piles. Sold u .lar. and is ftir e.xternal use only. Prioo 60e, Drder by number from your Druissist. Although there are 2576 of these sturdy climbers, organized roughly ii.to units in 04 towns and villages in the Bavarian .Alps, when the phone rings for help, they go out as teams, two men on a routine patrol, four on a search, eight or more on a difficult recovery. In summer, when there is no snow In the lower reaches of the mountains to facilitate movement, eight lo ten men constitute a rescue or recovery team. -Mountain folk say the Bergwacht men can go anywher? a mountain goat can. iCIDNEYACIDS Rob your Rest.. Many people never teem to get i good night's rest They turn and toss â€" blame it on 'nenres' â€" when it may be their kidneys. Healthy kidneys filter poisons and ezces* acids from the blood. If they fail and impurities stay in the system---disturbcd rest often follows. If you don't rest well f et and use Dodd's Kidney Pills. Dodd's help the kidneys to that you can rest tietter â€" and feel better. |J4 You can't feel your best if your kidneys aren't working normally. Gin Pills help give relief from Backache, Rheumatic Pain and other symptoms of sluggish kid- neys. Your druggist sells Gin Pills on a satisfaaion-or-money-back basis. Get a package todayâ€" »j» proves their merit. Regular sixe, 40 Pills Economy size, 80 Pills ( In the U.S. .i. asJk /or Gma Pilk) GIRIS! WOMEN! TRYTHIS IF YOU'RE NERV0US,CRANKYJIREP'OUT On 'CERTAIN DAYS' of Tlie Month! Do female functional monthly disturbances make you feel ner- vous, fidgety, cranky, so tired and "dragged out"â€" at such times? Tiien do try Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound to relieve such symptoms.'Tbis fine medicine is I'erv effective for this purpose! _ For over 70 years thousands of girls and women have reported benefit. Just see if you, too, don't report excellent results! Worth trying. (^diat.CPinAAa^ VEGETABLE COMPOUND Occasionally, during Mininicr days in the country, far from shops, we run short of sniiie food comniodily, in spile of careful plan- ning. When faced with such a plight, we arc apt lo resort to ex- periments. One such that proved most surcessfiil was iTie extending of a small (piantity of mavonnaise with the white of an egg. We beat the lallej- tmtd still ai]d Ihcn vvtiipped it graciually into the may- onnaise. The result was a suffic- ient quantity of delicious, fluffy dressing which saved the day for our luncheon salad. POPâ€" One-Way Traffic BY J. MILLAR WATT WHAT PO YOU Wf^Jf^fJT, n >»/ANT TWO LADDEfZS FOR ? y, "^^p. •• (I A ONE TO do UP ANP ONE TO GO CC^M ! __ â€" <n â€" -â€" -r > ^ A