Page 5 HUGE BATTERING RAM DARKENS DARK ROOM FLOOR It was Friday the 14th, just one day after the fateful 13th that our camera grinding photographer Arnold Mantere reported to our office with a deathly pallor covering his usual énlightened countenance, Amid gasps and pants wo pieced together the following story, | Arnold, it scoms, was tending to his fire when an ear splitting crash from behind sent him sucrrying up the wall of his shack to the highest rafter, (A position he frequently assumes when getting a new angle on his subjeet.) With his teeth in shaking hand Arnold surveyed the damage froma safe distance, A hundred pound steel eabinet, an extra heavy chair (used only by photographers) and a desk, were piled in a heap where Arnold had been standing a moment ago, A bulldozer, clearing the next lot in preparation for an extension to the hospital, knocked over a tremendous 6" sapling which crashed through the wall eausing the aforementioned near panic, "Was I scared," he blurted out. "lWhen the doctor checked me over, my tecth were chattoring at sueh a tempo I broke three thermometers, The needle on the blood presure indicator spun around dizzily and came to a jerky stop at 500." "it wasn't until I had gulped down my last fivé bottles of HYPO solution thet my norves wore calmed wnough to tell you," he said, As he left the office tho mstor of the portrait was heard mumbling: "lj oareor is ruined, I'll naygr be the sane," OSWALD WISSELMUNK,, ESQUIRE THE: ITLIRD We take great pleasure in introducing to you the latest edition to our editorial staff Oswald Wisselmmk, Esquire theJTIrd, Oswald hails from a small metropolis called Muskeg-on-th-Swamp in the North West Territories, "Wissel's" (we had to give him a nickname instead of that royal handle) writing experience came from the many years he spent as editor of the "Birch Bark Gazette", As the name implies the Gazette was published in birch bark up until Oswald left his native stamping grounds. At this timo they decided to move further north due to the shortage of good scotch whieh was used in processing their annual edition thcreby giving the cover a many coloured plaid finish, Nowa composition of dried blubber treated with whale skin is being used as the medium for publishing that noteworthy publication, It is now serving one of the largor Eskimo villages and surrounding hinterland of Alaska, The nam, of " course, had to be changed to the "Eskimos Epistle", (birch bark having no conerete meaning with the new readers), The large eommercial manufacturers of the by~products of the whale, inaugurated a new theme song at their last convention, which ineidentally was held in the dining room of a floating iecberg, The song went somewhat like this, "Blubbcr, Blubber Whots got the Blubber." And all this commotion becuase Oswald could not refuse our offer to come and write for the "Terrace Bay News", It may be hard to keep Oswald in his accustomed manner, since he insists on eating whaleburgers with a side order of shark fins and topping it all with a long cool glass of "Squaff". "Squaff" is a drink concocted by mixing an extraet from whale tears and dehydrated penguin juice, After talking with the cook I think maybe Oswald will have to eat like a human being or starve, (cont?d Page 6)