{ Orono Weekly Times, Wednesday, September 4, 2002 Basic Black by Arthur Black Hair today and gone tomorrow Just when I've decided that there is no new thing under the sun, my newspaper informs me that there's a brand new hair bank just opened down in California. It's true - and you can make your personal deposit today. Just cut off a hank of your head hair and mail it to Mike Blaylock at Hairogenics Incprporated in San Francisco. Mike will (for a fee) take your truncated tress, custom-treat it to prevent disintegration, then vacuum-seal it in a protective baggie and ship it off to a fireproof, fireproof, flood-proof, climate- controlled cellar vault in Portland, Oregon. There, your hair will stay until, well. ..until something happens. This isn't just a business venture for Mike Blaylock - it's a personal crusade as well. You see, Mike is one of millions millions of men who get a chilling message from their bathroom mirror every morning. The mirror tells them that they are slowly, inexorably succumb- . ing to MPB - Male Pattern Baldness. There are various tactics a man can adopt to combat Male Pattern Baldness. He can slather goops and unguents like Rogaine into his retreating retreating hairline. He can shell out a small fortune to have plugs of hair yanked out of his back and punched into his scalp. He can buy himself a hairpiece hairpiece to replace the expanding divot on his skull. There's just one downside to all these solutions - they don't work. The chemical treatments and the hair transplants transplants will, at best, leave you with a head of hair that looks like a bad lawn. Hairpieces, aside from being uncomfort- Tai-Chi able hot and inherently treacherous, treacherous, don't fool anybody. A man wearing a toupee invariably invariably looks like he's transporting transporting a small forestcreature that crawled up on his head and expired. Mike Blaylock figures there has to be a better way. He figures that science will inevitably come up with a genetic cure for baldness. Problem is, he might be bald by the time it happens. Ergo, the hair mausoleum in Portland, Oregon. The way Mike sees it, incipient baldies can store an actual sample of their hair until some future Doctor Frankenstein comes up with a procedure to take that preserved hair, re-vitalize it, and presto - a hill head of hair once more. Well, yeah, maybe, I suppose. suppose. But my advice - and I speak as a card-carrying chrome dome of three decades standing: Let it go, guys. It's no big deal. What, after all, are the advantages of carrying a swatch of body fur over your eyebrows? Dandruff. À medicine medicine cabinet crammed with expensive tubes and cans of mousse, gel, shampoo and conditioner. Greasy shirt collars. collars. Regular trips to the barber to listen to stale hockey news and paranoid government theories. theories. Bald guys don't have to put up with any of that. We're like a paid-off house - free and clear. No overhead. Besides if you really, really want to save your hair there is one foolproof method. Go this route and I guarantee that not only will you go to your grave ■ v -, l » to# 4 ?'* Short-form 24 moves EASY TO LEARN IN 12 WEEKS Sept. 12 - Nov. 28 Thursdays 10 a.m. at Orono Chiropractic Clinic $36.00 Minimum Enrollment required Please call Pat at 905-983-9475 with a thick thatch on your noggin, you'll also be able to hit those really high notes like Celine Dion. That's right men, I'm talking talking about castration. There is no such thing as a bald eunuch. Put...well, baldly, a defoliating chap can elect to retain his testicles or his head hair, but not both. So, ironically ironically enough, baldness is a sign of virility. Not everyone recognizes that. Some guys who are going bald fear that women will no longer be interested in them as partners. Wrong, guys. Certain women may look down on hir- sutely challenged suitors - but those are the airheads, the bimbos and the Barbie Dolls. Once they're out of your life you're left with real women with functioning brains - the ones who know that a cascading cascading pompadour is about as important as, well, big boobs. I say, skinheads of the world, unite - we obviously have nothing to hide. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll slip out the back way. Anything to escape those hordes of women hammering at the front door. Smoking By-Law Continued from page 6 ate the report that will be reviewed on Sept 5. "Durham Region residents have made their voices heard and have told us that this issue is very important to them," says Brock Township Regional Councillor Larry O'Connor, Chair of the Region's Health and Social Services Committee. "We're very pleased that so many area residents took the time to participate. The input that we've received has provided us with very valuable information." information." Fred DeVries proprietor • FREE ESTIMATES • COMPETITIVE RATES • • INSURANCE CLAIMS • FRED'S AUTOBODY (905) 623-6353 163 Baseline Road, Unit 1 Bowmanville, Ontario L1C 3L4 Complete Collision Repair, Restoration and Refinishing 8335 Hwy. 35/115 Orono, Ont. LOB 1MO FREE ' 24 HR On-Site Rentals Estimates TO Will G * or ^ nsurance Replacements Speedway Collision Offers: • Friendly service to all our customers • Expert handling of all insurance claims • Professional, top-quality repairs on 4x4, conventional and uni body frames • Frame Straightening • State-of-the-art paint colour matching • Lifetime guarantee on collision repairs • Speedway collision uses OEM parts direct from your vehicle manufacturer. No substandard replacements. m Lome & Monika Call 905-983-1118 Gatingtm Leading the Way CORPORATION OF THE MUNICIPALITY OF CLARINGTON PUBLIC NOTICE www.municipality.clarington.on.ca NOTICE OF HIGHWAY CLOSING A PORTION OF THE UNOPENED ROAD ALLOWANCE BETWEEN BLOCKS 2 & 3, ACCORDING TO C.G. HANNING'S PLAN IN LOT 28, CONCESSION 5, VILLAGE OF ORONO TAKE NOTICE THAT the Council of the Corporation of the Municipality of Clarington, at the meeting to be held in the Council Chambers, 40 Temperance Street, Bowmanville, Ontario, on Monday, September 16 th at 7:00 p.m., proposes to pass a by-law to stop up and close a portion of the unopened road allowance between Blocks 2 & 3, according to C.G. Hanning's Plan of the Village of Orono, shown as Part 4, Plan 40R-21260. AND FURTHER TAKE NOTICE THAT before passing the said by-law, Council or a Committee of Council shall hear in person, or by his Counsel, Solicitor or Agent, any person who claims that his land will be prejudicially affected by this by-law and who applies to be heard. Patti L. Barrie, A.M.C.T. Clerk Municipality of Clarington 40 Temperance Street Bowmanville, ON L1C 3A6