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mark twain q0e3 xlsbibg ttsn el his friend play m very mesa joke on biin avar back in the 60s when mark twii resided in 8an francisco and was the regu lar correspondent of a nevada paper he was a character among the bohemiant and was aisocuted with many jolly souls who i are now numbered among tne mlstig and lef sike7tlhrgreer many who are still well known in san fran- m t t pearl8 of truth you must not be ashamed to ask what you do not know it is not what we intend but what we do that makes us useful happiness is a roadside flower growing on the highways of usefulness it is a good thing to be able to let go the ciaoo mark was an ardent angler and was never happier than when sitting with his legs dangling over the side of a cozy yacht and waiting for the slow and lazy nlbuiea of the denizens of the sea in those days alexander badlam and fait berry owned the tug fanny ann and to gratify marks piscatorial whim they fitted her op one day with a dozen or two bottles of bait and a lunch and with a few choice friends steamed off for angel island mark had constantly expressed as the desire of his life that ho might catoh a mess of red rock cod those in the san francisco markets being of a bright red very attractive to look at and tery choice food fish the part conmstbd of mark twain 0 p sutton formerly sec retary of the pacifio bank general john mccomb then editor of the alta a prominent san francisco judge now deceas ed alexander badlam and fulton berry the two latter knowing full well there were no red rook cod this side of the farallons islands purchased a large fine specimen in the market and placing it in a gunny saok smuggled it on board the steamer after a pleasant sail across the bay the fanny ann was anchored across the stream at a point on angel island known as balstons quarry so called from the fact that the rock for the bank of california was taken from thai place the tide was ebbing strong and sfter anchoring all the party except badlam and berry dropped their lines on the lower side these two gentlemen dropped theirs on the upper side of the steamer with their lines drifting under the steamer while those on the opposite trailed toward the sea when unnoticed badlam attached the large red rook cod to his line and apprising the others of the faob pulled him to the surface amid great excitement the fish was im mediately placed in a barrel of water whioh had been provided to keep alive what fish might be caught it was suggested to mark twain and his friends that they had better fish on the upper side of the steamer as they prefer shady places whith was concur red in after the lines had trolled nnder the steamboat berry removed the bait from his hook and on the opposite side trailed and caught mark twains line the latter complaining that his line was foul was as sured that on the swinging of the steamboat it would soon loosen in a few moments the rookcod wa taken from the barrel and hooked on to mark twains line a vigor ous pull was given and at the top of his voice mark yelled out ive got a whale 1 ive got a whale i he landed him in fine shape the two jokers taking him off the book and plaolng him in the barrel temperance la a tree that has content ment for its root and peace for its fruit dost thou love life then do n ot squan der time for that is the stuff life is made of a promise la a just debt which should always be paid for honor and honesty are its security beware of the man who is always sus picions of everybody elses motives the chances are that he has some bad motives himself if you wish to live the life of a human be ing and not of a fungus be social be bro therly be charitable be sympathetic and labor earnestly for the good of your kind beautiful souls often get put into plain bodies but they cannot be hidden and have a power all their own the greater for the unconsoiousnets or the humility which gives it grace people who have no occupation must worry the human heart is like a millstone if yon put wheat nnder it it grinds the wheat into flour if you put bo wheat it grinds on but then h is itself it wears away there is nothing so delightful as the hear ing or the speaking of the truth for this reason there is no conversation so agreeable as that of the man of integrity who hears without any intention to betray and speaks without any intention to deceive the history ot the world teaches us no les son with more impressive solemnity than this that the only safeguard of a great intellect is a pure heart that evil no sooner takes pos session of the heart than folly commences the conquest of the mind the best thing to give to your enemy is foigiveness to your opponent tolerance to a friend your heart to your child a good example to a father deference to your mother condnot that will make her prond of you to yourself respeot to all men char- ity mistakes of all kinds shonld be avoided as far as possible and there may be a careless ness really culpable which gives rise to them but in far the greater number of cases mis takes are the steps by which each one must olimb to excellence in any direction there is dew in one flower and not in another because one opens its onp and takes it while the other closes itself and the drop runs off so heaven rains goodness and mercy as wide as the dew and if we lack them it is beoause we will not open our hearts to receive them mark immediately procured a piece of chalk and commenced to score tne catoh of each of the fishermen and during the next two hours this same fish was hook ed on in the same manner fifty or sixty times on the lines of all the parties and pulled op in the same manner and placed in the barrel of water twain of course having saught the larger nnmber when the fun became monotonous barry hooked the fish in the tail hoping that mark wonld drop on ihe joke but he did not but simply said lb takes an artist to catoh a fish on the wrong end i nave often done so in trout fishing in nevada the fisn having had its gills all torn out scales most torn off and no place to hook on to him any more the jokers in desperation fished np twains line and suttons line at the same time and tied a monkeywrench on the former and a hatohet on the latter screams were raised that tbey had got a devilfish and the wrench and hatohet were landed on the deok words can not depiot the faesi of the fishermen twain pulled sff his coat looked at the score looked at the monkey wrench at the hatchet and then at the barrel rolled np his sleeves and fished out the poor solitary worn nut red took cod and holding it aloft sail boys we have had lots of fun to day lets go home he was the only one in the party who took it goodnatnredly the other gen tlemen refusing to converse on the sport ot red cod fishing and always looking on the transaction as a very mean joke driven into matrimony a boy whose father thrashed him weds n lady or mature years louis jelp is a stont 17yearold boy living in anderson oonnty ky one day he was ploughing on his fathers farm near lawrenoeburg the pic ugh was drawn by a mule of vicious propensities the mule balked and jelp to make him go along all right struck him with the plough line the animal then kioked the plough to pieces and ran away jelps father was ploughing the adjoining field and witnessed the run away and tmashup he was angry at his son for striking the mule and picking np a piece of the plough line gave him a severe thrash ing after the whipping very young jelp sore both in body and mind went to the sext farm occupied by mlts higgins a lady with a red head and fortyone years to her credit the boy knew her will and he re lated to her bow oruelly his father had treated him miss higgins wss full of sympathy and suggested to him that there was a way in whlob he oould easily emanol- site himself from the oontrol of an unfeeling ther he enquired how it was to be done and she replied that he might marry her and thus settle all his difficulties jelp accented miss higginss proposition and on tho following day the two took the train at lawrencebnrg for louisville they imme diately crossed over to indiana ihore where a license was issued and they were married by esquire john hnohely on the following day the bride and her youth ful husband returned to the formers home m anderson county mrs jelp has no fear of her husbands father and invites him to make trouble if be dare sho is worth 10- 800 the british divorce returns for thirty years ending in 13s7 show that there were 10 s61 petitions for divorce or dissolution of marriage of which 7 321 were successful tne increase since 1831 is gradual be cheerful a wellknown philanthropist in new york whose time was given to the help of the criminal and pauper olasses had upon his library table a turkish figure of a laughing donkey the beast was so convulsed with merriment that no one could look at io with out a smile why do you keep that absurd figure there a friend asked him it seems to jeer at the gravest subject which we dis- cubs simply to remind mo that the gravest sub- jeot has its cheerful laughable side he an swered i find it a wholesome warning in the midst of so much misery many a canadian needs to be daily re minded in some way that life has its amus ing happy side an hours rest a oheer- fnl book a talk with a friend would serve the purpose better than a laughing donkey we are a nervous anxious people and many of us have inherited from our an cestors a belief that amusements and mirth are sinful a southern woman lately visiting her friends in new england exclaimed one day this is the best year of my life i my hus band and children are in good health and free from financial worry my sons are honor able christian men we have many good pleasant friends god has heaped blessings on me i am perfectly happy 1 s an ominous silence followed these words and melancholy shakes of the head it makes me tremble to hear you one said at last vwhen i think how soon all this may be changed and that you may even be deid before night and shall i not thank god while i am yet in the land of the living replied her friend this world no matter how poor or ill or solitary we may be is not for any of us al together a vale of tears it has its sunshine and pleasures ita oheerful heights whioh may be climbed by all of ns if we have but com age and faith the man who will not yield to disaster and disease who makes the best of his poverty who finds something to laugh at in all his misfortunes will not only draw more friends to his side than his melanoholy brother but aotually live longer colonel sellers bad found the trne philo sophy of life when he lighted a candle in his empty stove to make oelieve there was a fire and praised the rare flavor of the raw tnrnlp and cold water whioh made his scanty meal the man whose religion makes him gloomy austere and hopeless falsifies christ a teaching who should be happy if not the christian who should make light of the troubles of this short life if not he who believes in an unending life of happi ness at its end 1 in everything give thanks orled the apostle after he had been scourged nigh unto death and again having fought with beasts at ephesus he calls from bis prison- cell to the weak and unhappy in all ages rejoice in the lord alway and again i say rtjoice t m during the recent presidential eleotion in the united states an albany manufacturer bad printed on all the envelopes in which his workmen received their wages the follow ing inscription the one issue of this campaign shall american goods and products or eoglish goods and products stock onr homo markets shall american wages or english wages be paid to our work- ingmen and working women now that the election is over and the party to which this manufacturer belongs has won the day he has notified his men that their wages are to bo reduced twentyfive per cent it would be interesting to hoar what these de luded workingmen have to say on this sub ject the wilds of mexico in the wilds of mexico that sounds pretty strong doesnt it well when you are where in all probability no white man has ever been before i do not think tte ex pression at all out of the way leaving the city of mexico yon travel southeasterly for about 200 miles passing numerous small indian villages whioh seem to consist mainly ot naked children and dogs and reach the city of hut tamo this is an old spanish town of about 2000 inhabitant the main feature of whioh like all other spanish towns is the plazt a large square around which are about all the stores the town contains sunday being market day this plaza is quite interesting to a stranger the natives from the surrounding country come in upon that day to sell their garden truck salt tobacco handmade blankets straw goods ropes and goodness only knows what not four upright poles are planted in the ground cross poles fastened to them and over all is laid a grass mat thus making innumerable little stalls where you can ob tain most articles you need and a far great er number of articles yon cannot conceive as being of any possible use to mankind now mount your horse and come with me we leave hnotamo behind us and ride forward toward what seems to be a solid wall of mountains the road is fair that is after you have keen over some others in this oonntry and yon ride forward through a lovbly valley filled with fruit trees and flowers the air is invigorating at this time of the year your horse knows he is going home and you swing along at a good pace knowing that the following day your road will be but a cowpath over the mountains and you must make your 33 miles today or you will not leaoh the mine upon the following small mountain streams are orossed many little indian huts are passed and far ahead of you appears a tiny moving speck you know what it is as nearer and nearer yon approach each otber until finally you perceive an indian with his knapsack tight ly fastened to his shoulders awing along at his running walk he is tb6 mail no atop for him he muav be on time and with a buenoa dias he is passed and still you ride on the sun now becomes intensely hot for it is nearing noon and abont that hour yon reach a small indian hut where you halt for dinner two women one child and eleven dogs constitute this household during the daytime and if you succeed in getting a couple of eggs and some corn bread you con sider yourself fortunate horses are un saddled and allowed to roam at will while you stretch yourself under the welcome shade to go to sleep just when you begin to dcze you below yon for mile upon mile stretches an immense valley and you follow the course of winding streams aa they thread their way in and out along the base of huge plateaus and embryo mountains that rise here and there upon every side herf can be jen the palm in all its glory the cactus in its numer ous varietiev and nature in her wildest dlspcrt on what a ranch 1 would bs the first cry of a stockman oh how beautiful i the first cry of an artist and both weald be right a winding path now leads down into the valley small streams are crossed a horribly stony pith is left be hind one more river one terribly long hill one more descent and we are at the mines he madethe bear dan0e a farmer paid five cents to see the fan and he was bound to get his moneys worth as a farmer was driving with his wife on the outskirts ofjkingston n y he came up on a turk leading a tame bear the farmer wishing to have his wife see the bear dance said he would give 5 cents to the master of the bear if he would make it dance af tor the dirty turk got the money he told the farmer the terpslchorean performance would not begin until another s cents was placed in his hand this made the farmer angry and he said if you dont make that bar dance ill make yon dance and the bar too the owner of brain made no move until the farmer got off his wagon to carry his thieat into execution when he put his hand to his pocket as if to draw a revolver then the farmer let out with his right and sent the bearowner sprawling in the gutter as soon as the turk could get np he took the muzzle off the bear and in an unknown tongue told bruin to go for the farmer the bear thus encouraged went for the farmer who soon made nia fingers almost meet around the bears windpipe when the farmer saw fit to let go the bear sneaked up to its master coughing and spitting blood and its master began to make tracks from the spot all this time the farmers wife sat still in the wagon simply saying james i wiah you wouldnt be so foolish i cant help it marier aaid the farmer i wasnt brought np in the woods to be scart by owls miscellabious the pension authorithe of the doited states have decided that a soldier drowned while bathing died in the performance of his duty and that his relatives are entitled to a pension the reasons assigned are that bathing is not only allowed but enjoined by the regulation that soldiers are to keep them selves clean the reasoning seems to be sound and the oause of cleanliness should gain by the decision two vassar girls ella s leonard and caroline g llngle went to atlantic high lands in new york state bought out a sickly newspaper from a man revived it and are now doing a flourishing business the two young women not only do all the literary work of the paper but manage large job printing establishment the nkv york reporter who visited the office rv marked upon its unnatural cleanliness and almost sinful sir of comfort a corsage model for a graceful figure has short sharply pointed fronts the back cut with long narrow dlrectoire coattails whioh reach to the very edge of the dress skirt down eaoh side of the front are large revers of the dress goods beneath smaller ones of velvet and the collar and cuffs have donble revers to match a narrow vest is introduced this reaohlng considerably bjlow the points on the bodice showing at the throat between the velvet revers are rudely awakened by a harsh voioe shrieking into your ear the single word ya 1 that means ready so you rouse yourself eat your eggs and bread drink your blaok coffee light a cigarette frown at the woman and doze again it seems you have not been asleep five minutes when your servant wakes you and you find the horses ready saddled pay the virago 12 cents mount and off again it is now 3 oclock and you hare only 12 miles to go before sunset or 6 oclock now a lope now a trot now a walk according to the road you ride along through the valley paying no attention to the high mountains covered with palm trees and huge caoti which rise on either side of you for you know them by heart and are only anxious to reach quinohendio one lonely peak at last comes in sight standing alone onehnge rook 700 feet in height and you know you are almost there your horse knows it also the road is good he quickens his pace and you now pass through mile after mile of corn and sugar cane but the end comes and you ride up to the palace of this part of the world an adobe house where you can ob tain food for your animals a fairly good supper for yourself and a bed made of ropes stretched across a wooden frame with a bullocks hide for a mattress after a hearty supper the main point of whioh is a bountiful supply and a stout jol ly old indian woman to serve it a smoke and talk with the master of the house and a cheery i aasar buenas noche you roll yourself in yonr blanket and are soon asleep at day light you wake to find a bowl of steaming hut ceffee and corn bread awaiting yon your appetite sharpened by the oool air of the night yon break your fast with a relish and mount your horse with a sigh for you know a hard days journey lies before you although only about 30 miles or to still the road is fairly good to jaol nd pa but you can rarely go faster than a walk as your horse must piok his way through wind ing paths over looao stones oyer fallen trees across swollen streams and woo betide him if he slips and woe betide you for many a time a slip would moan doarh to horse and man and you look sometimes with a shudder at the hundreds and hun dreds of feet bolow you but you are rid ing a mountain horse and have no fear as he ollmbs up or slides down places at whioh the proverbial goat would hesitate the scenery now becomes wild in the extreme and yon commence to realize that you are going further and further from oivillzation houses become a rarity fewer dogs rush with mad velocity and uproarious barking at your horses head the youthful srvage in his pristine glory no longer diver sifies nature and you still ride on the sun rises throwing beautiful lights and shades upon the mountains the road grows nar rower and rougher huge trees with their parasitic companions call forth yonr admir ation although often seen before and you are fairly in the wilds by noon you reaoh janindito a small cluster of indian huts whero pigs roam t will through the hovels whero everything and every one is dirty and where innumer able inseots cause you to think that surely life is not worth living but hero you must stop for dinner or starve so you stop and glad you are for a mexican omelet corn bread and a enp of coffee let alone the fact that yonr horses have a bard afternoon she broke him up oh george this is terrible it willbreak my heart oh i reckon not mollis youll get over it i shall never get over it sorry but youll have to sis i am engaged to isabel jones and you intend to break your engage ment with me why of course but what if i institute a suit for breach of promise you have no witness to prove that we ever were engaged and i cant get damages unless i have no little one im sorry but you should have looked out for that well goodby goodby youll kiss me for the last time yes george now since all is over between us i want to ask you one question certainly dear dont oall me dear any more you dont seem to understand no 1 do nob it la hard to realize but what was the question you wanted to ask oh yes i well i often wonder why yon always had this sewing maohine in the parlor and why you always insisted on sit ting so olose to it when we were saying sweet things to each other why was it that that is not a sewingmaohlne what is it a phonograph a phonograph i thunder 1 is it in good order i you bet and has bsen every night i have been here indeed it has darling do you want me to turn the crank just for fun no indeed yon have turned him sotto voce but what a funny girl you are to think i meant what i said just now to tease you i was only joking im not engaged to isabel and we will get married as soon as you like how nice i yon are suoh a dear kiss sweet kiss good kiss honorable darling i never doubted you of course not goodnight darling i will see you to morrow night and our wedding next week goodnight preolono tomorrow night and now she said to herself as she heaid the gate close behind him i mnst not let him find out that that phonograph is out of order and doesnt record a thing until after the wedding it broke me all np when i found it out the other day but i reason his darling little mollie got there with both feet tonight he dont play any isabel jones racket on her at present before them and mast rest no waiting until 3 oclock today the mino is only about 16 miles away but 16 miles no n r- them horse would face for now yon have only a cow path over the mountains and as your horse stops from rook to rock climbing steadily up up up novor faltering nover swerving never hesitating you cannot but love the noble animal who carries ycu so steadily and surely forward at length the top of the mountain is reached and what a sight bursts uoa you admiral kimberleys beport admiral kimberley in his official report tj washington on the samoan disaster re fers thus to the british war ship calliope the calliope steamed into the harbor this morning showing signs of having experienc ed heavy weather she goes to sydney as soon as possible for repairs and through the kindness of captain kane her diving outfit has been turned over to us and it will be of greatest aatlstanoe in saving stores i commend his servioes to the department and trust that- they will be regarded as worthy of recognition the czir of russia is said to be learning to play the cornet and it is cruelly suggest ed that the nihilists will now have a good and sufficient reason for endeavoring to kill him the czar may escape however if he avoids practising airs that he does not know and cannot pick np that is tho rook on which the amateur cornetist is apt to strike sympathized with nature granger doc thar mus be eutbin left har ye pul led that tooth for me last week its aohed eversence dentist examining the moutb nothing there sir but a vacuum how big why about tho size of a tooth of course wal yanker out doc i knowed snthin was wrong ive hcerd that nscher obhors a vaokeynm an dingod if i blame er f she ever got one stuck inter or jaw the water supply of egypt is brought a distance of over two thonaand miles by the nile but the equatorial rains appear to have been scanty and the usual inundation has not occurred irrigation can therefore not take place to anything like the usual ex tent the ootton crop will consequently be short the fellaheen will suffer business in the cities will be depressed the government will be unable to collob the taxes eryptlon bonds will fall inparis and londonand a few investors in these bonds will be sufficiently pinched to emigrate to manitoba whioh will thus feel the effects of a drought in emln beys territory the rejection of prohibition in massachu setts was expected the state had tried prohibition before and was not satisfied bat of late years the liquor law is probably more stringent than that of any non-prohi- bition state in the union the lowest sa loon licence is now 1000 and there is no maximum limit the number of licenses to be issued is determined yearly by vote to the people and the new york tribune says it is argued that this steady inorease in the stringency of temperanoe legislation is largely due to the system of annually sub mitting the question of licenoe or no licence to the voters of each community in a letter to the buffalo express capt hoffman tj s a now stationed at fort niagara sys that the desertions from the united states rmy number 3000 annually this wonld be a large number for even a european army but it is simply enormous when the sizi of uncle sims army is taken into consideration the deserters represent oneeighth of the wholo force capt hoff mann attributes the frequency of desertion to the smallness of the pay girenby the government during his first two years each private receives in compensation for his services inoluding pay rations and oloth- ing about 20 a month or sixtyseven cent a day trusts appear to have as many lives as cats when judge barnett of new york deliver ed a judgment some time ago that one of the big sugar refining companies in the united states had forfeited its charter through hav ing become a member of the sugar trust and that a reoeiver should be appointed it was thought that the days of the latter were numbered but suits having been instituted against its other members it is now found that they have all assigned thus rendering the appointment of receivers by the court impossible the suits will have to be dropped therefore but the parties to whom the companies assigned now really form the trubt which seems likely to go on forever along the west side of like michigan during a rainstorm last week clothes hung up to dry were spoiled and stained by ashes where the ashes oame from was not ap parent bnt their presenoe la clearly account ed for by the great fires whioh had just be fore swept the prairies of difcoti that the ashes of great fires can be carried to a considerable distance we have had abundant evidence in ontario during the prevalence of bush fires volcanic ashes arc known to have been borne from iceland to the faroe and shetland islands ashes of the great eruption of krakatoa in the eut indian archipelago it is said fell long afterwards in belgium at any rate analysis showed their composition to be identical with that of the ashes whioh fell near the exploded mountain that these things occur pos sesses a practical interest for laundry people a recent deoision of the english courts oarries the law of libel to the extreme both of absurdity and injustice it is to the effect that a newspaper publishing a judges charge is answerable for libel if statements of faot or opinion are wrong it is hard doctrine that a daily paper publishing the proceedings of a trial inoluding the charge of the judge is to be hald responsible for errors of statement into which that func tionary may be betrayed if the rule stands it most practically prohibit the publication of the reports of trials for judges do make mistakes being mortal and the press would be unable to protect itself against suoh mis takes but the rule will not hold it is contrary to a long ourrent of eoglish deci sions whioh makes the publication of legal trials privileged matter certinly there is no danger that it will beoorxe operative in this country the manager of the international exposi tion at buffalo has secured a novel attraction a human skyrocket the handicraft of mr edselle of callao peru formerly of the united states navy hit model has been successfully experimented with in south america signer camarsra made the initial trip the apparatus consists of a combination of rockets of immense power with a parachute attaohment whioh folds over the apex fonr tubes form the frame work and contain the explosives the na ture ot the explosive is a secret and is called dynoasoenlmite its peculiar property is that it is detonating a small volumo of the solid makes an immense volume of va pour and lifts the maohine with lightning rapidity into the clouds the test took place under peruvian government patronage near callao in december tho charge touched bv electricity sent tho machine over 15545 feet and the descent by pira- ohcte was perfect sigoor caraarara landed five miles from the starting point no worse for the trip a i