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the examiner Tuesday Oct 1979 When marriages tail Separ Marcia Perryman is one of new breed of social worker she counsels couples who are undergoing the tragedy of marriage breakdown With one in three marriages today failingicounsellors to assist couplesnn reaching an amicable separation agreement will probably become fairly common At present Ms Perryman is the first and only such counsellor in Barrie She operates out of the family court offices Examiner Photo Fall meeting of Barrie Presbyterial of WMS The first fall meeting of the Barrie Presbyterial of the Womens Missionary Society was held at the Orillia Presbyterian Church September 18 Mrs Forrest McKee presided using the theme Serve the Lord with gladness The different ways The MemoMatic knitter lets you create the latest fashions in wide variety of yarns quickly simply and at fraction of the readymade cost Just slip one of the handy pieprogrammed punch cards into the knitter Irademarl of Singer Company at Canada Ltd or spreading joy were pointed out as the ladies of the Vangoughnet Group presented the meditations Mrs Graydon Boyes gave full report of the happenings going on in the different sec tions as the fall sectional meetings are being held Plans were set into motion regarding the annual meeting January 15 1980 It will be held at the Essa Road Presbyterian Church The Rev Miss Bowner minister of the Oro Essen and Uptergrove charge was given hearty welcome to our area Knit sweatera night orawardrobe aweek If that sounds too fast and easy to be true come see the Singer MemoMatic knitter Youll find the patterns you want or you can design your own patterns Come see the amazing Memo Matic knitter at your Singer Store Well be happy to give you demonstration Theres no extra charge for lessons While the MemoMatic knit ter is easy to operate wed ike to make sure you know how to use it to its fullest potential So well give you up to 12 hours of lessons upon purchase at no extra charge SINGER GEORGIAN MAll 7287960 fs By MARY DELANEY Of The Examiner The institution of marriage is in trouble At present one in three marriages breaks down and that figure is on the in crease The relaxing of social and religious values sexual libera tion and increasing economic pressures are simultaneously causing people to marry earlier while making it harder for them to stay married The socioeconomic framework which supported marriage in the past is crumbling and with it the institution itself Marcia Perryman is one of new breed of social worker responding to this problem She is conciliation counsellor working out of the office of the Barrie family court As yaduate student researching adult education and counsell ing in masters of education program at of she has studied the problems of the family from the outside As woman who has recently been separated from her husband and left with two preschool age children she knows about it from the inside NO COST TO CITY Her job is to council separating couples to help them to reach an amicable separation agreement with an emphasis on the children She is the first such counsellor to work at the court house in Barrie The job is her placement for completion of her degree and as such costs the city nothing She sees her job as pilot pro ject firstly to prove the need and secondly to demonstrate the results Its ironic she says that government cutbacks in social services in the end cost the government and the tapayer more in court and police costs In her year as con ciliation counsellor she has no doubt that the value of such service will become self evident WIIATS HAPPENING Counsellors of all kinds are needed to fill the gaps that once were provided by the community Marcia believes that the lack of community in modern life is the root cause of many problems not only marriage breakdown The extended family is not as close as it once was Grand ma isnt just down the street to help the young mother who is finding it difficult to co pe People dont have the same closeness with the family doctor the parish priest or even their neighbours Smaller families and more leisure time coupled with this lack of community means the intensity of the manwife rela tionship is magnified Negative energy cant be diffused and small problems soon grow into large ones Its no secret that the younger people marry the better the chances that the marriage will not survive Ms Perryman believes as do many counsellors and social workers today that the legal age for marraige should be raised Making it more difficult or costly to separate however just makes it more difficult for those who are already undergoing financial troubles and increases the possibility of the husband simply deserting his wife rather than reaching proper separation agreement with her Threeyearold lvana Matas travelled all the way from Belgrade to Torontos Sick Childrens Hospital for an operation to correct congenitally dislocated hips She and her parents will remain in the city until the cast comes off in few weeks CP Photo people and places Wargames meeting for Wargames miniature military figurine and train enthusiasts is being held Thursday in the Downtown Centre at 730 The meeting is organized by The Trainmen Toastmistress The Barrie Toastmistress Club is pleased to announce that Mayor Ross Archer has proclaimed October 21 to Goa tober 27 Toastmistress Week in Barrie This is the second annual Toastmistress Week in Barrie and the festivities are hilighted by joint dinner meeting with the Barrie Toastmasters Club on Wednes day October 24 at Howard Johnsons Dinner will be serv ed at pm sharp followed by an exciting pro ram on the theme SpecialE ition For more information call Kathy Watson 7371908 Horticultural Society The Barrie Horticultural Society will hold its annual banquet on Thursday October 630 pm at Central United Church 54 Ross Street Barrie Guest speaker will be Dr Joseph Connell Secretary of the Grand Valley Conservation Authority from Waterloo Tickets for the roast beef dinner are $650 available by calling 7284032 or 7283873 Nearly new Trinity Anglican Church will hold its annual Nearly New Sale on Tuesday and Wednes day at the church next to the pet office on Collier Street Donations may be made Mon day Fifty per cent of sale price goes to donar the rest to the church Bridge The Royal Victoria Hospitals marathon bridge will be starting soon Call An drea Porter 7262394 or Madeline McKenna 7287730 before October The marathon consists of 10 games at $1 per game Bazaar Baking preserves and crafts will be featured for sale at the fall harvest bazaar Saturday October 13 at the Parkview Centre for Seniors from 10 amto2pm vr ations not the easy way out N0 PREVENTION Essentially says Ms Perryman there is nothing to pre vent separation without the prsence of yalues No amount of laws or cost can stop the husband or wrfe from walKing out of marriage Today we have culture that sends messages that say if it feels good do it Call it the me generation hedonism whatever its not particularly meaningful Twenty years ago we still had lot of institutions around marriage You would never consider divorcing quickly Todays sexual liberation is in many ways very positive says Ms Perryman Its step in the right direction The problem at present is the inability of people to deal with this freedom without corresponding social va ues Without any other values sexual liberation means that people are disposable If your Bic lighter doesnt work you throw it out In the same way the liberation of women is essentially positive movement but its leaving the male ego badly damaged Couples are having difficulty dealing with mar riage in which the wife earns as much or more or in which the woman is no longer willing to sacrifice her career either to have children or to follow her husband in moves that will further his career It takes time for family structures and for men to deal with these changes My hunch is that todays children will be blase about the different role models When role models for husband and wife were clearly defin ed and leisure time essentially consisted of Sunday after noons it made it all much simpler If the man farmed all day and the woman cooked all day and took care of the 10 kids you just didnt have the energy either for problems or for infedelity You also didnt have the same expectations You have to have time on your hands to worry seriously about whether you are being fulfilled in the marriage And you must have both time and money to be able to afford an affair NOW WIIAT It would seem that total restructuring of society is necessary if marriage is to survive as an institution in any form Ms Perrymen feels open marriage or weekend mar riages may be the next stvi She also fees that todays children are growing up to be just as blase about having single parent as they are about the changing roles of men and women She also hopes that mens liberation will come soon Its already on the fringes with men acting as house husbands men joining their wives in the delivery room men taking paternity leave But it will be very hard she predicts In the meantime marriages are falling apart with frightening regularity and everybody is suffering With the change in family law ruling out automatic alimony husbands are no longer forced to bear the financial burden of collapsed marriage Women however are suf fering Especially the middleaged woman who has no career and is left suddenly to fend for herself Jobs are not easy for anyone to find especially if you are older and un trained Often it is not the people themselves who are the problem in relationship it is the nature of the relationship itself Until it can be redefined says Ms Perryman the problem is that have lot of hurting people coming out of relationships with little to turn to except the same kind of relationship In the meantime before the whole thing can be redefined rearranged and reinforced the marriages are crumblng All that can be done in the interim is to make the separations as amicable as possible so that those involved particularly the children suffer as little as possible socially emotional ly or financially If the parents cannot reach an amicable agreement it is the children who are the innocent victims Theyre used like football says Ms Perryman One parent will threaten to cutoff visiting rights the other will threaten to stop supporting them The children are torn between their love for both parents and invariably feel that they are responsible for the breakup ONCIIJATION Heres where Ms Perryman comes in Once the couples have themselves decided separation is the only answer it is her job to counsel them towards an amicable separation agreement In her office she must work with the couple in all the extremes of anger bitterness jealousy tears and threats If however she sees the slightest hint that the problems may be worked out without divorce she will recommend that they see marriage counsellor would be carefully tuned to even the vaguest innuendoes she says If they sudden ly changed their minds thats great Its hard to get people to see counsellor of any kind so her services are usually recommended by the family court judge The sessions cost nothing and are only held for seven meetings Money time and feelings are spared by not going to lawyers who all too often only feed the anger and bit terness of the couple Shell talk with the children to find out how they hurt where they hurt and to offer an adult who is willing to listen totheir problems Its difficult work emotionally trying especially for one who is undergoing the same problems herself She feels however that it has made her more sensitive to their pro blems and their needs more able to coax the blocks of ice and get them to admit their own pain Separation is not always the easy way out that people think It hurts she says and ignoring it will not make it go away Services such as those provided by conciliation counsellor are needed more and more Its sad but its reali ty KellGiffen Mr and Mrs Keith Kell of Gilford are pleased to announce the forthcoming marriage of their daughter Joy Arm to James Douglas Giffen son of Mr and Mrs Douglas Glffen of Minesing The ceremony will take place on Saturday October 20 at 330 pm in Gifford United Church Photo by Favero Saturdays Examiner incorrectly printed Giffen as Griffen We apologize for any embarrassment or inconvenience our error may have caused brown boot leaving me with perfectly matching pair except one of them was black stomped around town for couple of days staring suspiciously at every pair of boots met It got straightened out eventually but not before what felt like half the world population had pointed out my mistakel Nothing lasts forever though and by the end of last winter knew my old failhfuls were due for retirement Ann Landers Doesnt like her ditto Dear Ann Landers Im 24yearold Woman who works in bank My problem is so embarrassing Im ashamed to discuss it but need to know what to do Theres girl used to go to school with She was always loose morally Her nickname in high school was Roun dheels She started to do modeling and graduated to entertaining at stags posing for pictures in various stages of undress and now hear she is making pornographic films for home use Unfortunately Roundheels and could pass for twins Whenever anyone says think Ive seen you before my knees begin to knock If hear two men talking in hushed tones imagine they are talking about me Last night at party new acquaintance said know met you before but cant recall where Should have told him about my twin and removed all doubt Please advise Dont Like My Ditto Dear Dit Although you may resemble Miss Double Ex posure your manner of speech expression and general de meanor should leave no margin for error For heavens sake dont get on the defensive or you will surely raise questions and put ideas into peoples heads Dear Ann Landers while back you printed letter about young man who worked for mortician He went calling on his girl in hearse Herparents said it created lot of talk among the neighbors and they wanted to know if it was considered proper etiquette didnt pay much attention to that letter when it appeared because it had no special meaning to me It does now Last week our daughters boy friend went to work for mortician He drove over here in funeral coach It caused lot of talk on our block Our daughter was mortified My husband thought it was funny felt it was rather un fortunate since some neighbors suffered recent bereavement and it occurred to me that the sight of that hearse might have renewed their grief Please comment Westchestcr Dear West To use funeral coach for social visit shows extremely poor judgment If the young mans boss knew of this Id be very much surprised Dear Ann Landers Ive been married 10 years to lovely guy We get along fine Our only problem is his parents My husbands father owns lot of real estate including the house we live in We do not pay rent My husbands younger brother has the same arrangements Both boys work for their dad and drive companyowned cars Im sure you get the picture Our children are six and eight years old My motherin law is over here every day telling me how to cook what to wear and who to entertain Recently she has tried to take over the disciplining of our children know she means well Ann but feel hemmed in on all sides Id give anything if we could lead our own lives Any suggestions Trapped In Ohio Dear Trapped Youll never be able to lead your own lives so long as you are obligated to your inlaws for the roof over your heads etc Theres no such thing as free lunch free house or free car You pay for everything one way or another But why am telling YOU this Youre getting the lesson firsthand Goodbye Old Faithluls By MARGARET WORTH havent thought much about winter boots for the last few years They were just there when needed them on the first snowy day of winter They were comfortable rather shabby suspect but cosin familiar did have rather uncomfortable experience couple of years ago when some absentminded soul took my left Both toes were scuffed and one of the heels kept falling off The end came suddenly one Tuesday morning when the nylon zipper slowly unravelled halfway down my right calf Regretfully threw them away went shopping for new boots this weekend pathetically unprepared for what fashion and inflation have done to the foot market was aware that one of my daughters had recently purchased boots for close to $100 but have long since ceased to wonder at the prices they pay for the clothes they wear tried several stores before settling for one that seem ed to carry wide selection sales clerk oozing charm undulated over to where was standing peering desperate ly at the tiny row of coded figures on what should have been the price tag Would Madam care to try something little more stylish she wondered with disdainful glance at the good solid conservative boot in my hand was like sheep led to the slaughter We looked at steel toes and fr inges and bagged fronts and several creations that would have done Annie Oakley proud Finally my Virgo common sense struggled to the surface Something in dark brown with heel please said firmly Naturally paid an arm and leg for them and they probably wont last more than one winter but at least dont have to worry about zippers breaking these boots arepullons If can just learn to take them off without Sitting on the floor in basic yoga position feverishly tug ging at my heels Ill be all set for the winter Pollys Pointers Vase left its mark POLLYS PROBLEM DEAR POLLY used to keep vase on my Chinese black lacquer table but it left ring cannot remove have tried using mayonnaise petroleum jelly etc on it but nothing has helped ESTELLE DEAR ESTELLE Do proceed with caution and test anything on an inconspicuous spot before diving in Per haps the suggested remedy for heat marks on lacquer would solve your problem Mix powdered pumice and linseed oil and rub the marks always rubbing with the grain of the wood POLLY DEAR POLLY store ice cubes in my freezer in brown paper grocery bags The cubes stay separated and one or all can be used at any time BETTY DEAR BETTY This has long been the way my sisterin law stores extra ice cubes She too likes it better than any other way she has tried POLLY DEAR POLLY am an elementary school teacher and when one of my students told me how he earned his allowance thought it was fantastic His mother appointed him the household Energy Saver It is his job to turn out all lights that are not being used be sure all faucets are turned off tightly monitor the thermostat shut doors take shorter showers etc When the electric gas and water bills come they are compared with the previous bill If they are lower and they usually are this boy gets the difference JACK DEAR POLLY When making potato salad peel and wash the potatoes cut them into cubes and then cook This avoids having to handle hot potatoes and they cook in half the time The potatoes also cool quicker and this helps speed up the final preparations MARILYN Polly will send you one of her signed thankyou newspaper coupon clippers if she uses your favorite Pointer Peeve or Problem in her column Write POLLYS POINTERS in care of this newspaper