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At-the Mot _--- te by David Krayden ocal film draws reviewer S fire Fireballs, now playing at Penetang's Pen 1, is uniformly tasteless and without a single redeem- ing quality. From the opening shot of a firetruck racing down Midland's King Street to the closing scenes of revelry at the Midland fire hall, this film il- lustrates that they really can still make them this poorly. The brainchild of pro- ducer Mike Strapko, this film appears more brain- dead than anything else. We should be warned from the first five minutes of rivetting ac- tion as the camera records a party at Balm Beach. Large-breasted women throw off their bikinis and dance around a bonfire. A lot of drunken oafs are rolling around on the sand, "dancing" to the "music" and occasionally puking. We are then introduced to the film's premier per- formers, three disgusting louts who drink lots of beer and burp frequently to show their approval. Interestingly, their names are not revealed until well into the film. Then we learn the nominal leader of the trio is called "Sam" while the most obnoxious of the group goes by the name of "Buddesky."' Since everyone in the movie seems to go on a first name basis only, the in- clusion of the latter @ Cottage Neat and Tidy Home Cleaners FAST PROFESSIONAL CLEANING @ Residential B Commercial @ Minor Renovations @ Fully Equipped Call for your FREE Estimate (705) 526-2111 BONDED BOX 1675 PENETANGUISHENE ONTARIO LOK 1P0 character-would seem to represent a concession to last names. The boys are firefighters in the im- aginary American place of Georgian City. A Japanese car manufac- turer is coming to town and he wants to make sure fire safety is upper- most on the minds of peo- ple. Hence the fire department has to be strengthened and the search is on for more "talent." Review Naturally, our three drunks want only "gorgeous babes"' (yeah, man! Awesome!) so they rig the competition to keep "the losers" out. Though initially suc- cessful, the firefighters are removed at the re- quest of the Japanese auto maker and then returned in glory to their duties after rescuing a family from a burning house and "proving their worth." As the film closes, the trio have returned to the fun and games of smok- ing dope and copulating and having constant par- ties at the fire hall. Along the way, we are treated to some of the most truly tacky scenes in cinematic history, in- cluding one of a seeming- ly retarded Sikh drown- ing in Georgian Bay. Other potential Oscar- winners include the pathetic sinking of one of the "'losers" into the quick-sand of the Wye Marsh while the fun- Remember when? The cast of Fireballs relax after a strenuous day of production. When this picture was taken in August 1987, many in Huronia wondered what the finished product would look like. You can see the awesome results at the Pen theatre in Penetanguishene. Mike Stapko, the producer of the film, is seated third from left, portraying the character Buddesky. loving trio guzzles down the beer and_belches, shouting obscenities at each other. The mayor of this fair American city is por- trayed as a combination of Huey Long and Col. Sanders, shouting obscenities in a wierd hybrid of an accent. Apparently the pro- ducers of this film couldn't remember who won the American civil war since Confederate flags appear with the same frequency as Old Glory. The Ontario licence plates suggest that free trade has fulfilled its critics' worst predictions. EMIT SCRATCH YOUR OWN DEALFOR A Renee Cniol COLOR TV Page q 0, Wednesday, January 25, 1989 $100 OFF EFFECTIVE JANUARY 21 TILL MARCH 4, 1989 A Zenith Remote Control Colour TV Perhaps the most touching moment of the movie occurs when three children are trapped in a raging fire and our "firefighters" are charged with the responsibility of rescuing them. We are greeted with several scenes of the wailing trio screaming "Hellllp!"' with all the conviction of a cranky toddler in a grocery store. The youngsters' anguish is on- ly matched by that of the audience, who by this time are anxiously awaiting the final credits. Some of the film's most memorable dialogue oc- curs between Sam and Buddesky, apparently bosom buddies from ear- ly childhood. The fact that neither has psychologically progress- ed beyond that point adds poignancy to. their performances. When Buddesky finishes off a bottle of li- quor he points to his achievement and says, "It's empty." Ever witty, Sam returns with, "Yeah, just like your head." Fun- ny, funny! The females in this film show their unique abilities by gazing at the camera amorously and frequently disrobing. To add insult to injury, the gals are just trying to show that they can do "anything as well as men." With its constant repetoire of disgusting humor ard tasteless in- terplay, Fireballs must rank as one of the 10 worst offerings of 1989 or any other year. Beside it, Animal House is a tour de force of technique. Graciously, prior to the premier of the movie, a Three Stooges short was played to the audience, perhaps as a grim warn- ing that the worst is yet to come. Rated: Restricted, with frequent nudity, foul language. Rating: Bomb. French written here Tiny Township residents, who wish to get information from the township office, may now do so in French. Tiny Reeve Anthony Lancia said the new guideline was to make the township more approachable. "Maybe more senior people would be more MPP's suggestions Ken Black is pleased by the news of the formation of a committee to help school boards develop a drug education policy. Muskoka-Georgian Bay's MPP recommend- ed such a committee in his report on the use of il- legal drugs in Ontario. Karl Kinzinger, direc- tor of education for the North York Board of Education, will chair the committee. Kinzinger is an "excellent choice,' comfortable, since that would be their first language." Lancia has said the move doesn't mean all the township employees will have to be bilingual. "Whoever's in the of- fice who can take the call will be put on to them," he said. accepted Black says. Consistent drug policies for the province's school boards are impor- tant, the MPP feels. A policy is to be in place by September, 1991. BARRIE All Robes, Sleepwear and Selected Lingerie January 24th to February 4th Corsets 2 N'. Crinolines Bidg. 2, Unit 34, Cedar Pointe Business Park 737-4818 HOURS: Tues. - Fri. 9:30-5:30 Sat. 10-4 0% 0% OFF CLOSED MONDAY