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'1knew she'd catch up with ya some day' IF ever you decide to do some research on the lower forms of wit, I can tell you how to go about it. Just get yourself a black eye. I had a doozer one time. My wife gave it to me. Allright. Not that way. She was sitting in the car, waiting for me to carry the groceries into the house through the rain. Just as I bent and reached for the car door to open it and ask her if that was all, she opened it smartly from the inside to ask me why I hadn't brought out an umbrella. When the door nailed me in the eye, I thought I was a goner. My wife shrieked and ran straight into the house to see whether my "loss of limb or eye" accident policy was paid up. Within a few minutes, the eye was the size -and color of a bartender's beezer. But by the lime we'd finished arguing about whose fault it had been, it was obvious that I'd live. --_ Bil Smiley We didn't have a piece of steak, and if we'd had, I doubt that it would have been sacrificed. But the Old Girl, bless her, dug out some hamburg that was going a bit blue, and made me lie down with a big hamburg poultice on the injured optic. Right off the ice, it felt pretty good at that, and I dropped off to sleep, moaning but brave. During the night, the bandage worked loose, and when I woke in the dark, I thought the eye had fallen out. But it was only hamburg, all over the pillow. Next morning, the orb looked like a purple golf ball. We patched it up as best we could, and I set off to face the wits. The comments were hilarious. They - ranged from the simple, dry brilliance of "Hoo hitcha?"' and "Forget to duck, eh?" to the coy, insinuating, "I knew she'd catch up with ya some day."' They ran the scintillating gamut from the inevitable, "'I suppose ya ran into a door"' to the ineffably humorous sally, "'Meet the former welterweight champ of the Smiley household." I came back with some real funnies myself. '""My wife,' I replied. '"'Footwork isn't what it used to be." I admitted. "Yotta see the the other guy,' I quipped. I can go along with a joke as well as the next bird. But after a while, in fact if I remember rightly, it was just after the fourteenth "Hoo hitcha?", I began getting a little sore, I mean, fun's fun, you know, but, after all. So, when the next joker made his move, I told him, dolefully, that a maiden lady who didn't like my column had thrown acid in my face, and that I'd never have the sight of it again. He turned green. My next customer was a woman, who tit- tered, "'That'll teach you to write things about your wife in that column of yours." I gave her a gentle, sad look from my good eye, and suggested that she not let the divorce alienate her with her mouth open. I quickly disposed of an elderly lady, strong in the temperance movement, by informing her the injury had been received from my young daughter, when she clubbed me on the eye with a half-empty whiskey bottle. It's good sport. Next time the old trouble-and- strife hangs one on you, Jack, you'll know what to do, Guess what | Best way rentall, Bay Street, Midland, mid morning, miserable weather. I had to call in there on business and talk to Wayne Turner about a nibbler. Wayne stocks most things from 'A', (air compressor) to 'W' (wrench, torque) but nothing listed under "Z" as in zither. ' We talked a few minutes about a new item laying on the counter. It was displayed under the notice that said "'New company policy, we are now making an effort to be pleasant to our customers, this will stop as soon as business picks up." It must have been a bad week as he was so pleasant, anyway back to the new item, nestled between a wolf grinder and a notice that said 'please take one' lay a two-month- old child. On enquiring the rental price Wayne said he hadn't worked one out yet but the possibilities seem endless. FOR RENT OR WANTED It could catch on better than cabbage patch kids, depending how it's marketed, with sliding rental scales. saw on the counter at the local rentall ? --Ray-Baker- was apparently brand new, just released from the manufacturers. The package or container it was in, com- prised a plastic moulded chair-cum-sleeper, it was not marked "this side up", instead a safety web harness with a quick-release buckle passed over the shoulders and beneath the legs. If the container was inadvertantly inverted the contents would not fall out. This particular model was in an attractive pink outfit with contrasting white rabbit ears on the woolen hood. This finished wrapping for marketing purposes varies on the time of year and outside temperature. It also comes in blue. On being stroked gently under the chin, _ clear blue eyes opened, a slightly unfocused gaze appears, and then a quick glimpse of a beautiful smile. It then closes its eyes and goes back to MAINTENANCE MADE EASY No instruction sheets were in evidence, apparently each one is unique. However, a large container of disposable absorbent material is recommended as an optional extra as the unit is self-lubricating. Maintenance is simple, every four hours, day and night, an inverted bottle containing special formula is inserted in the main facial orofice, when empty the bottle is removed and the unit is secured over the left or right shoulder and its rear upper quadrant is firmly patted. Accompanied by the magic words '"'There you go." Spares present no problems. It generates its own, in fact scissors and files are part of a mandatory tool kit, to remove an excess of parts from finger, toe and scalp. Wayne is considering short and long term leases with no built-in options, all rentals being final. questions like "But what else does it do?" He assured me it was the finest known remedy against a good nights sleep. "In fact," he said, "It is unconditionally guaranteed to create instant insomnia", as an added inducement, if enough units are acquired il can lead to a condition known as 'Financial short-fall' all in all, it would ap- pear an ideal acquisition for anyone suffering from a good nights sleep or an excess of money. If any of you gentle readers wish to pursue matters in connection with the latest item on his display counter go ahead, let me know how you make out please. P.S. I thought you would never ask, a nibbler is a hand-held tool, driven by elec- tricity and cuts any shape in metal sheet using the recipricating action of a hardened steel blade held captive in a guide. It 'nibbles' its way through the material. This Weeks Quote A short grace 'GOOD GOD, LET'S EAT" Ray Baker is a freelance scribe, He and his family live in Penetanguishene. They have also been cured of a good nights sleep and an The one in question on the display counter sleep. No trade-ins. Down to the technical excess of money from time to time. Summer recreation programs being lined up in Midland Midland Recreation Department is offering four summer recreation programs for children. All programs will run from July 2 to August 23 at various locations, usually from 9 a.m. to 12 p.m. and 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. Playschool, Playground, Sports Skill Development, and the Arts Awareness and Development programs offered a wide range of program activities to choose from. Call the Recreation office at 526-4770 for details or drop in to the office which is located in the Civic Centre on 605 Yonge St. You may register prior to June 12 during the day or on Wed. May 29 and Tues. June 4 from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. at the Recreation Office. Costly 12-day strike comes to abrupt end An agreement early last Thursday to go to binding arbitration on major issues has ended a costly 12-day strike by Ontario's 15,000 Ontario Hydro workers. The strike cost Hydro an estimated $2 million to $2.5 million a day. Consumers are expected to be hit with the bill at some later date through monthly billings which has annoyed many to say the least. Buck will run in November Midland's deputy-reeve will be seeking a place on the next municipal council. "T feel that I try to do a good job for the people of Midland, all of the people of Midland - I'd like to emphasize that - I think I still have something to offer," Claude Buck said last Friday. Buck has not decided the position he will seek. He was acclaimed to the position of deputy-reeve in his first attempt at election to council. Braesyde Estates without a lawyer Braesyde Estates of London, Ont. is no longer represented in its multimillion dollar lawsuit against Victoria Harbour by the London law firm of Cohen, Melnitzer. Victoria Harbour's solicitor, Gordon Teskey, says that he is in contact with another law firm which is deciding whether it will represent Braesyde Estates. Teskey says he has hope that he will be able to convince the new law firm to advise Braesyde not to proceed with the lawsuit. Meanwhile, in Victoria Harbour, preparation is underway for a change of ownership of the Sportsman Motor Inn, the centre of the lawsuit. Jobs in the Inn, which has been closed for a year, have been advertised in this newspaper. The village office has been asked to provide copies of documents used in changes of ownership. Parks Canada's Centennial season is now in full swing Parks Canada's biggest operations in Ontario, the Rideau Canal and the Trent-Severn Waterway are now open for the summer. The birding season has peaked at Point Pelee, all of the historic houses and forts at the National Historic Parks are gearing up for the summer and the campgrounds at Pukaskwa, Georgian Bay Islands and St. Lawrence Islands National Parks are ready to receive guests. The National Parks Centennial is underway! North-Simcoe ------hhewss briefs -- $16,000 and counting during Red Shield drive As of last Friday, the annual Red Shield Cam- paign in North Simcoe for the Midland Salvation Army has raised $16,000. May's target is $25,000, reports Doug Reed, chairman of the month-long campaign. University in Simcoe County? You can find out on May 22 What makes York University's First Year B.A. Program in Simcoe County different from other first year programs? What does the Faculty expect? How big are the classes and what will the other people in the class be like? On Wednesday, May 22, from 7-9 p.m. in the library at Georgian College (Orillia), York University has arranged for counsellors and professors as well as first and second year students from the Simcoe area to be available for discussion and questions. This will be of interest to Grade 13 students and to anyone who would like to take a course in an- thropology or one in Canadian literature for example with no particular plan to continue towards a degree. Evening of Sacred Music An evening of Sacred Music will be held at Martyrs' Shrine on Wednesday, May 29, reports Mark Bell. The 8 p.m. concert will feature church choirs, soloists, instrumentalists and special guest per- formers. Free admission. Contractors proposals sought Six contractors interested in collecting newspapers, glass, and cans for the North Simcoe Waste Management Association were asked for their proposals last Thursday. Suggestions as to how the job can be best done are to be delivered to the Association recycling committee by June 7. The recycling committee has a co-ordinator, Port MeNicoll's clerk, and a _ depot, in Penetanguishene. The committee's hope remains that the first pickup will be in late June, recycling committee chairman Claude Buck says. Nothing can happen until provincial government approval is given. Approval normally takes four to six weeks, but the committee has been assured than this case can be resolved sooner. Medi-vac planes make presence felt] Medi-vac aircraft from Wiarton have been using the landing field at Huronia Airport of late to 'ransport patients from Huronia District Hospital to Toronto. In recent weeks more medi-vac missions have been conducted in this area by fixed wing aircraft than by Bandage One, Ministry of Health's helicopter ambulance despite the fact new landing pads were constructed at both HDH and Penetanguishene General Hospital las! Sep- ember. Lower costs and availability of aircraft are often cited for using medi-vac planes. Member of the 'Rat Pack' here You've read about her. You've heard about her. Now you can see her in person tomorrow evening al Penetanguishene Legion. That's where Hamilton East MP Sheila Copps will be. : The outspoken federal Liberal backbencher and a member of the so-called '"'Rat Pack" that has been looking into Tory patronage will be guest speaker al the annual meeting and dinner of the Simeoe North Liberal Association. No more frost until September If you haven't planted your crops or garden yet for fear of frost nol 10 worry. : We've probably seen the last of the frost until -mid or late September. So... get planting. Airport. landing for Kap. aircraft Talk about an out-of-town plane using Huronia Airport. Last week a Medi-Vac aircraft flying out of Kapuskasing made a Janding at the tri-municipal airport in Tiny Township, west of Midland, on its way to Pearson Interantional Airport at Toronto. Additional $2.7 million earmarked The Ontario Ministry of Colleges and Univer-. sities will provide an additional $2.7 million to Georgian College over the next three years. "We intend to use the money for the benefit of all areas of the College". The last Auxiliary In the midst of congratulations, after their highly successful Banquet and Awards Night Thursday, the Midland Minor Hockey Ladies' Auxiliary has disbanded due to a lack of support for its volunteer activities. Since the resignation of the president and vice-president,. earlier this season, the auxiliary executive has been composed of jus! three women: Treasurer Sharene Cooper, Secretary Joan Beauchamp, and Past- President Marg Maheau. The Auxiliary has traditionally been responsible for the complete organization of the Annual Awards Night, arranging for crests and trophies at the Silver Stick and March Break Tour- naments, and over- seeing the fundraising which raised $2,000 this season, for new house league goalie equip- ment. In addition, Rosanne LeClair served this year as Chairperson of the Awards Banquet, while Bernadine Moreau solicited all the banquet prizes donated by Midland Area merchants. Although the Auxiliary feels there is insufficient response to their requests for help, they have agreed to hold sufficient funds for next year's banquet in trust, and make their notes, records, and advice available for another auxiliary. Tuesday, May 21, 1985, Page 7