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All The World's A Circus Questions Folks we live in troubled times - the world teeters on the top of political abyss, imperilled by the impending black clouds of battle. This is why I urge you adults to sit down with your children and patiently explain this frightening Mideast crisis as I did this morning with my little Malcolm. (Okay, so he's a cat. Like I should become a Big Brother just so I can make & political Speeches to some runny-nosed kid named Dwayne?) Actually Malcolm brought the topic up after breakfast which delighted me because if I had to eat what I make him eat, I'd have brought up breakfast. "So what's this business about "the dogs of war" Uncle Bill?" he asked, a few bits of gravy matter perched under the opening of each nostril. He was visibly relieved when I explained that it was more a literal term refering to the hostile and destructive nature of war rather than real dogs like Hisler's German Shepherd who was once responsible for Malcolm spending a Labour Day weekend atop a utility pole. "So like who are the "dogs of war" Uncle Bill?" (Oh I hate it when he calls me Uncle Bill.) "Well in the Persian Gulf war, I guess the real dogs of war are Saddam Hussein and George Bush" I replied as honestly as I could. I went on to tell him that Saddam Hussein is called "The Butcher of Baghdad" even though he doesn't own a meat store which makes him a very bad man. "How bad?" "Well Malcolm" I explained "remember the guy who slammed the door on you when you were a kitten William J. from a cat which is why you've always walked funny for your whole life?" He nodded, reluctantly. "Well Saddam Hussein would have also slammed that door on you causing you permanent disability of the spine...then he would have ordered you to represent Iraq in the 100 meter sprint at the International Cat Olympics to be held in Brussels in 1993." Malcolm was horrified. He was certain Cleveland had been awarded those games. "And George Bush?" . "Well" I said, "he's certainly no dog of...I mean he's not exactly a...he's...George Bush is no Saddam Hussein!" I concluded, defensively. Malcolm rolled his eyes. like: "Yeah, and he's no John Kennedy either!" Quite uncharacteristically Malcolm revealed his inner most fear that he and K.C. Colavincenzo might be called up to fight in the Persian Gulf because he'd heard something about "Desert Rats." I assured him he had nothing to worry about. At 16 years of age (112 in human years) he was way too old to be drafted. (We both agreed neither one of us would be too upset if they sent that stupid Siamese over there!) ' = I went on to draw the anology that world war breaks out when one male tries to take over another male's territory like when Irene Kohl's tomcat used to come onto our property and beat the hell out of Malcolm ona daily basis until he was finally repelled by my starter's pistol. Malcolm didn't remember any specific losses in battle but he sure remembered Irene Kohl's cat. I continued on page 6 Thomas é Life, According To "Baba" Page 5, News, Tuesday, March 12, 1991 Life may be a Garden of Eden for some, a pit of Hell to others, but what it must surely be to everybody, is full of little frustrations. You know, the tiny, inconsequential things which drive one absolutely mad. Take toilet paper. Yeah, take it, far far away when it comes time to put a new roll on the hanger. Where's the beginning? You look, you feel, you fumble, you search, around and around and around, all. the time you're sitting there with your bare bum hanging in the breeze. Finally, in desperation, you tear across anywhere and end up with a mess of tissue pieces floating around the bathroom like a sudden snowstorm. Same thing with those awful rolls of wrapping tape. There's something else to drive one berserk as you pick and pick along the roll trying to find where it starts, and when you finally manage to lift up a sliver, it unravels itself in a long sideways strip absolutely good for nothing. Or manages to wrap itself around everything in sight like some kind of unmanageable sticky octopus. It's enough to drive one to the Bug House! And what about those awful plastic packets of peanuts, candies, cheeze bits, whatever. You're always faced with trying to open a piece of packaging which defies Superman. Big men have been known to cry after wrestling around with one of these, and little kids actually do. Only brute force, or one of those neat little gizmos is the answer. It's a plastic thing with a sharp pointed end for piercing and a sliver of a razor blade inserted for cutting open, and must surely be one of the greatest inventions of all time. Olga Landiak Frustrations of life And jars! What about those g°d. jars over which we fight and strain and almost get a hernia trying to get the top off. It's like an Olympic event: 'Jar Wrestling', I calls it. Fortunately for my sanity, I ran across another neat little gizmo which has saved me from an early demise from a blown blood vessel. It's merely a small, cup-shaped rubber thing which fits into the palm of the hand and can be used on any jar whatever the size. With the nice firm grasp it affords, bingo, the top comes off in a trice. Well worth every cent of the twenty-five I paid forit atasale. -- Now, what about the frustration of zippers what won't zip or what get stuck especially at the bottom. Or, worse still, zippers which quietly unravel their trillion hooks like a slowly shedding snake and leave you open to embarrassement if said zipper happens to be in a very embarrassing place. Let that be a lesson to one and all, male and female, to ALWAYS carry a packet of safety pins in your purse or hip pocket. You never know when that 'zipper snake' might attack. Or what about those darling little tins of puddings which no kidnik can open so they hand it over to adult you. You yank just a little too hard on the "g.d. finger-slicing tab, and whoosh! chocolate pud all over your front. Or the darling little cans of pop aussi, which the darling little kid also wants you to open and carefully forgets to tell you he/she has been shaking it madly for the last few minutes. Whoosh! Pop all over your stupid face. Or the Express(?) lines at the Stupormarket which are ten times longer and slower than the ordinary continued on page 12 Those who were expecting the NDP to change Ontario overnight are going to be disappointed. I've managed to piece together the NDP's forestry agenda covering at least the next two years, and it falls far short of what they promised during the election. They haven't exactly welshed on their promises, they're just slowing the whole process down from what some might have expected. During the election, Bob Rae promised to phase out Forest Management Agreements, and replace them with local community forest authorities. He said "only independent, locally-based community forest authorities can ensure that local priorities are respected." Rae said these local authorities would "ensure the end of clear-cutting - cutting everything in a large area as opposed to selective cutting - which has increased Ontario. Other provinces have limited the size of clear cuts. Different logging from 70 per cent to 90 per cent in- techniques such as alternative strip- cutting and shelterwood systems would be used...to create more jobs in the north." Rae wanted to phase out the FMAs because they "give too much control to absentee landlords, have minimal reforestation requirements and are difficult to enforce." NDP goes slow on forest promises operate a "consultative government" - to listen to people before changes are legislated. So instead of going full speed ahead to phase out FMAs, abolish clear- cutting and all their other forest platform planks, they've decided to buy themselves some time. They're about He also. NORTHERN to launch a promised that INSIGHTS series of an NDP gove- Sass Studies and mment would by Larry Sanders reviews that appoint "a will take at permanent and independent Provincial Forest Auditor who will report annually on the state of the province's forests." Now that the NDP has been in office for six months, they've realized there's a large difference between Opposition and Government - particularly when you consider the economic recession, a provincial deficit that could be as high as 10 billion dollars, and a federal budget that capped transfer payments. The NDP also has to fulfil its vow to least two years. Bud Wildman spelled these out to participants in the long- -- running timber management hearings during private meetings in'the last week of February and the first weeks of March. He'll give details in announcements in the next four to. six weeks of the following: 1. "An independent forest audit": Wildman says this will just be an audit of the so-called "second forest" - not the old growth forests in contentious areas like Temagami, and not the . process "aimed at building a consensus existing forest we're harvesting now, but the one that's supposed to be growing back from out past regeneration efforts. This audit should take about a year. The government has not yet indicated whether they intend to keep their promise of appointing a permanent forest auditor. 2. "Development of a comprehensive forest policy framework": this arises from a report prepared by Peter Pearse from British Columbia for the outgoing Liberal government, and completed at the end of August, just before the election. I'm told this review will involve a lot of consultations across the province, and likely be done by a team of people, rather than just one person. Pearse called for a policy review for our real forest objectives". Pearse recommended that such a review should take only one year, so it doesn't become wound up in bureaucracy and its own self-importance. Marty continued on page 14