The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

Page 4, Terrace Bay-Schreiber News, Wednesday, April 2, 1986 Terrace Bay Schreiber The Terrace Bay-Schreiber News is published every Wednesday by: Laurentian Publishing Co. Ltd., Box 579, Terrace Bay, Ontario, POT 2W0. Telephone: (807) 825-3747. EDITOR ADVERTISING , Se ena oa ee Be ey Conrad Felber oe EE ee eee eer. Gigi Dequanne Grice... ee ee sa ep ee Gayle Fournier PRODUCTION MANAGER ee Mary Melo Single copies 35 cents Subscription rates per year in-town -- $14.00 out-of-town -- $18.00 Member of Ontario Community Newspapers Association and The Canadian Community Newspapers Association. Editorial Council counselled Time brings changes, and changes bring confusion or, at the very least, uncertainty. What will Terrace Bay Coun- cil become, now that Jim Files has left and Chris Joubert has taken his place? The difficulty is compounded by the fact that the new Council has only been in place a few months, after being sworn in last December. After settling in to various respon- sibilities, Reeve Ollie Chapman warned that Committee duties may have to be reorganized now that Joubert is on Council. Of course, even if Joubert is given the same obligations as Files had, things will still be a little unsettled down at Town Hall for the next few weeks or even months as the new Councillor becomes accustomed to. his latest responsibilities. This is why area residents should be patient and understanding for a while. It is possible that Joubert will quickly become used to the position and all of these con- cerns will be for nothing, but do keep in mind that this is still a new Council with an even newer replacement Councillor. At the same time, we should all bid a fond adieu to departing Councillor Jim Files, who is moving to Orillia later this month. He may have not been the most outspoken member of Council but, by all accounts he did the job, and did it well. He will be missed. So it's goodbye to Jim and a hello to Chris, as well as congratulations for getting a Council seat after losing the election. Good luck to both. By Conrad Felber A deleterious conspiracy current- ly exists in this world of ours. I'm convinced of it now. It's based on a prejudice that has somehow manag- ed to persist while other bigotries have been either subdued or com- pletely vanquished. What the heck am I talking about, you ask? My favorite writer, Harlan Ellison, knows whereof I speak. Behold this quotation of his which discusses this entire matter, perhaps for the first time: "Tall people get me very cranky. Because of their insecurity at their yeti-like monstrousness, they have long engaged in a dire con- spiracy to inconvenience those of us who are normal height, that is, five foot five or under. This conspiracy manifests itself in the height at which kitchen cabinets are built, the dispat- ching of six footers with enormous naturals who -sit in front of us at By Arthur Black The famous French philosopher Voltaire once opined "the best government is a benevolent tyranny, tempered by an_ occasional assassination." Well, old Voltaire was a bit of a cynic, and given that he penned his ° acidic aphorisms back in the 18th - century, he was probably thinking about royalty when he talked about tyrants. He lived an age when kings and queens carried some clout. Back then, if someone told you the '*Queen is not amused," -- it meant you'd best not make any long-range retirement plans. And when a monarch said "Off with your head,"' there was no point in shopping around for a lawyer. Times have cHanged. Kings and queens have largely been shouldered out by presidents, prime ministers "Ger with ir, BABy ! THE TOURIST PITCH NOW 1/8 THE SWING - ING NIGHTLIFE | " movies, the inability to get a decent suit of clothes without shopping in the cadet section ... and other such in- dignities."' (Harlan Ellison, '*Sleepless Nights In-The Procrustean Bed," 1984) One extended paragraph later, and now I'm sure you' re thinking that I'm just joking around again. Would that I were, readers. No, I am deadly serious in revealing unto you a most evil scheme which apparently permeates all levels of society. Until now this had only been a suspicion on my part, but then just last month this entire, secret, vile collusion revealed itself. Actress Roberta Maxwell, of the TV series "Airwaves", was schedul- ed to present the Best Picture Genie along with actor Donald Sutherland on March 20 at the Genie Awards. So far, so good. I must admit I had not heard of Ms. Maxwell before, but that's my problem. Anyway, follow- ing the dress rehearsal, the Academy of Canadian Cinema and TV decid- ed to drop Maxwell from the show. This was because, as one Genie organizer put it, the actress supposed- ly looked "awkward and very wrong" standing beside Sutherland at the podium. Small wonder (no pun intended). Sutherland, one heck of a gangling abberation, would indeed look out of place next to the normal sized (five foot five in heels) Maxwell. My proof that the conspiracy ex- ists lies in the simple fact that they didn't even consider bumping Sutherland, even though I am sure we would all much rather look at a cute, petite female than a hulking brute any day. The Toronto Star, in recently toss- ing an editorial "dart" at the ees Academy, did note that "it's not Maxwell who's small; it's the minds of the people who made that dumb decision." Too bad the Star didn't have the guts to mention the real reason behind the Maxwell Mess. So you still doubt that the Colossus Conspiracy is real, eh? Well, con- sider this: the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms covers just about every possibility, including race, national or ethnic origin, sex, age, mental or physical disability, and so on, but with no mention as to size (especially the lack thereof). Even the government's behind all of this! - At least I can take comfort in I Samuel 16:7 (no, I won't make you go and look it up): '"But the Lord said 'Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature ... for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for men looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.'"' Also of consolation is the following: "How many times ... have I vainly speculated what inward difference be- ing a human creature of my dimen- sions really makes? What is -- deep, deep in -- at variance between Man and Midget?" (Walter de la Mare) Also, read and take heed of this one: "Tis true my form is something odd, but blaming me is blaming God; Could I create myself anew I would not fail in pleasing you. Were I so tall to reach the pole or grasp the ocean with my span, I must be measured by my soul; the mind's the standard of the man." (Isaac Watts) Oh ... why, you ask, does this grand conspiracy disturb me? I guess I neglected to tell you. I'm five foot one, but with a mean left hook, so watch out you witless, shambling behemoths or I'll bruise my knuckles on your kneecaps! | and politically agile generalissimos. Most of them, that is. Not in good old Great Britain. Curious thing about British royal- ty. Britain has its Royal Family, and the British press can't stop carping about it. They cost too much to main- tain. Anne is too snooty. Margaret is too frumpy. Andy was.-too randy... The Americans don't have a royal family -- and they can't stop raving about them. They pay lip service to democracy, but in their Republican red-white-and-blue hearts they're head over heels in love with anything that wears a crown. When the Queen and Prince Phillip toured the U.S. west coast recently, Americans turned out in the tens of thousands, even though monsoon rains were racking California. Frank Sinatra threw a party. President Ron- nie touched up his Grecian Formula, and the First Lady curtsied. Yup. Americans are mad_ for monarchy. Latest manifestation: The Book of Royal Lists, published by Simon and Schuster. The book was written (appropriate- ly enough) by a Limey/Yank duo, Englishman Craig Brown and American Lesley Cunliffe. Cunliffe was born in Massachusetts, but for the past 13 years has lived in Britain, worshipping the royal family. It's not exactly a worshipful book, ' though. For one thing, it chronicles certain regal oddities which I'm sure Britain's blue bloods would rather see forgotten. Anne Bolyn has three breasts and an extra finger; James I had a tongue that was too big for his mouth; Ed- ward the Confessor was an albino. The book also demonstrates that royal-types can be just as philistine as the lowliest commoner. Example: George V to Queen Mary, while looking at a Cezanne painting: "Come over here, Mary... here's something that will make you laugh."' Edward VII's assessment of Rome. "You look at two mouldering stones and they tell you it's the temple of something."" Prince Phillip's reaction to a sculpture at the San Francisco Art Museum: "That looks to me like something to hang a towel on."' British royalty is a trifle odd when it comes to collections as well. Ac- cording to The Book of Royal Lists the most prize possession of Henry VII was Sir George's mummified left leg. And there's one other "collec- tion.'* Britain's male monarchs made rather a speciality of it -- 16 of the 34 kings since William I fathered il- legitimate children. jus about everything a royalty watcher; could crave -- anecdotes, habits,' peculiarities... even quips about' royalty by non-royalty. i Which brings to my favorite in the book. The famous British novelist E.M. Forster, near the end of his long life, was invited to St. James Palace for a wedding. Mr. Forster was very old, and very short-sighted. Asked by a friend if he would like to meet the Queen Mother, Forster said: '*Oh. I thought that was the wedding cake."