The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

"A Family Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, August 231994 - 3a Baby, Think It Over is a brilliant invention by San Diego engineer Richard Jumain. This anatomically correct doll that cries, screams and pees without warning, has social agencies in the United States ordering at a rate that far exceeds production. The doll's erratic baby-like out- bursts can only be turned off by a key. The idea is to have teenage girls who think it would be really neat to have a baby, carry this little bundle of mayhem around for a month or so, sleep in the same room with it, and be ready at any moment to rush over with the key to restore peace and quiet. The doll even has a monitor to register rough shaking or slapping. After a month the young women are asked, now do you really want a baby? The answer is almost always - - I'll think it over. And that's why I'm suing Richard Jumain for $3 million because he produced a baby without any pain whatsoever, and I, on the other hand...no, that would be ridiculous. by William Thomas HUBBY THINK IT OVER I'm suing Richard for intellectual theft. You see, I've had this same basic idea for years. My doll is larger than Richard's by about 200 pounds but otherwise the concept is the same. My doll is a six foot, tall, anatomi- cally correct male that performs all functions of a human being except he can't cry. He never cries. My doll has a bit of a paunch, thinning hair and has a six-pack strapped to the inside of the right foot so that when he sits down in front of the television set, the beer is right there on the floor where he can reach it. He walks and talks but consumers are warned that putting gum in his mouth can cause one of these func- tions to fail. He wears loose underwear with cigarette burn holes, and he can make a scary noise like a foghorn, except you can never see his lips move. My doll can write his name in the snow. My doll's name is Hubby, Think It Over. A single woman, hoping someday to get married, carried Hubby around the house for one month. She pushes him out of bed in the morn- ing, makes his meals, does his dish- es, refills his six-pack, hands him the remote control, puts a pillow behind his head while he sleeps in front of the television and eventually gets him into bed where he performs his finest function, loud snoring. At any time, night or day, she must run to him when she hears the hair- trigger, electronic chip alarm (a belch), and using a special key, stop whatever male malfunction that is occurring at the time. At the end of one month the wom- an does an easy two-step marriage evaluation. First, she honestly answers the question: do I really - want to get married? Then she sends a certified cheque to Michigan to get on Dr. Jack Kevorkian's waiting list. I would have had Hubby, Think It Over on the market this week, but then major league baseball went on strike and now I have to add a "rant and rave" feature. Also, due to the baseball strike, Hubby, Think It Over now cries. He cries almost eve- ry day. As a companion product, I now have Honey, Think It Over in development. The real problem I'm having is Straight From The Hip ... that this female doll overuses the cerebral mechanism and is always blurting out questions like: "Do you still love me?" "You used to love me but I don't think you love me any- more, do you?" ' No matter how much I reduce the frequency, out comes: "I don't think I know you anymore," and "What are you thinking about right now?" I've put them in the same room, Hubby and Honey and though the male doll is simply not designed to respond to the female's questions, it's fascinating to watch. Honey will say: "Can't 2 at least try to communicate?" and Hubby will squirm, sweat, take a swig or two from the six-pack, then he'll purse his lips and "Phhhaaaaaargh!" Did you hear that? Now doesn't that sound like a foghorn to you? When 1 finally perfect Hubby and Honey, I'm actually going to give them away free of charge. Then I'm going to sell the keys that shut them off for $10,000 each. : Baby, Hubby, Honey - let's serious- ly think it all over. Signed copies of William Thomas' 'book "Malcolm and Me" can be mailed direct to you by sending $22 to Malcolm and Me, PO. Box 130, Port Colborne, Ont. L3K 5V8. Please include how you would like to have the book inscribed. | HAPPY 40th ANNIVERSARY Alice & Lou Whalen on Aug 24th Cetol® 1 and Cetol® 23 Plus 4 To Protect the Natural Beauty = { E 1 = of Your Exterior Woodwork Star ; CALCULATORS | ¢ Basic e Sharp ; e Solar e Scientific e Canon + Texas Instruments Port OFFICE C 188 Mary Street, Port Perry 985-7383 us ss ANU TIR PRU OISEN IRN » Specially formulated to All At Guaranteed Low Prices ropa water. --_-- * Effectively penetrates and : U N ; T E D FAMOUS 4 protects wood surfaces. | CARPET" || BLINDS <= Largest Carpet Selection » -- Sikkane Tl: Illa |e i . . i . a Si pns ' pS 1 wah Scugog Township | | VERTICALS « VENETIANS a H-- J fhik buying group in Canada PLEATED SHADES | ; CENTRAL | TE -- BEES" PAINT & WALLPAPER HOMESTEAD by Ballard & Carnegie HWY. 7A EAST - PORT PERRY 985-2451 or 985-2157 _s|| 295 Ritson Rd. S., Oshawa 434-3939 5 Dance Schedule AUGUST 27TH YN: i a as Congratulations to Comfort Ride Taxi on your new Transporter For The Physically Challenged. a ----. John Groeneveld Bridgeport Signs & Lettering 26 Water St., Port Perry "Rainstone" SORT PERRY RT PERRY 5. 6 High Street, SEPTEMBER 3RD DANCE : Port Perry "Christian Bechard" | auto glass & trim id. Written go | ~ ~~ gree Guarantee SEPTEMBER 10TH DANCE e INSURANCE WORK ° "Prior Convictions" SAVE upto naw ene spacamet SEPTEMBER 17TH DANCE ; WINDSHIELD PEBOCC rao cam "DJ with most insurance companies with this coupon at time of purchase B tions * Mobile Service 985-8507 Port Perry 085- "We Support 3 boot ok Guaranteed 668-2003 Whitby 225 Platten Blvd. 985-9763 By Bren ors? Scugog Island - Dance Doors Open 8:30 P.M. SOT ---- en'