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-- "A Family Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, July 5,1994 - 3a My cat Weggie has just been inducted into that exclusive club known as MENSA. Normally this elitist organization only accept people with the highest 1.Q.s in the world, but they've made an exception in Weggie's case. (I understand Lassie had all the votes necessary for acceptance/¥ntil he took a leak on the front left io of the car of the MENSA rep who came out to the farm with the certificate). Anyway Weggie got in because he was able to prove he is approximately three to four times smarter than his owner. That would be me, the guy with the $300 screen door budget. You see when Weggie wants to go out, a screen door between he and the great outdoors is about a 10 minute tunelling job in the bottom right hand corner. I know this because although I have not actually seen him do it, I have replaced four screens on my kitchen door, all with cat size holes. It's either Weggie or I have ants that escaped from Stephen King's last movie. Suffice to say, it's a good thing he can't wield a hammer, otherwise I 'wouldnt have a window left in the house. WEGGIE - ONE SMART LITTLE FELLA You may think I'm exaggerating but if you drive through the nearby town of Port Colborne this summer, you'll notice in the window of Reichman Lumber on Main Street: "The Weggie Special." Basically when any cat who goes through a screen door four times, the fifth repair job is free. It's just fortunate that, at less than two years old, Weggie is protected by The Young Cat Offenders Act - otherwise I'd have disciplined the little begger by now. Once, when I heard the digging in progress, I threw a bucket of water from the outside, at the door. By the time I got into the kitchen, there he was sitting calmly at the edge of this little lake on the floor, having himself a drink. What could I do? You can't whack a guy for having a drink. If you could, my name would be Welt not Will. Yet another time, in the middle of the night, I heard the snapping of wire mesh so I crept into the kitchen with a rolled up newspaper and right there, at the bottom right hand corner, I smacked the cowering, dark culprit five maybe seven times in all. Yes, standing naked and still mostly asleep I gave my rubber boots the thrashing of their lives. No sir, they're never ever going to try to escape at night again. Meanwhile back in the bedroom, Weggie was circling a spot at the foot of the bed, just settling in for a good sleep. Did I mention Weggie is smart and fast? One evening as I'm coming up from the lake I heard the unmistakeable sound of teeth and claws on screen mesh on new screen number three. So I crept up to within 10 yards of the kitchen door and grabbed one of the rubber boots I'd previously beaten half to death. Holding it just over my right shoulder in the quick toss position, I crouched behind a shrub and waited for the little monster to snap one more strand of wire. And I waited, patiently, because this is the shot that's going to be heard round the neighborhood. And I waited, in this frozen, live-action pose, because I know when that boot hits the screen in front of his face, he will never touch another sliding door as long as I let him live. And I waited in this coiled-and-ready-to-lunge position until my lower back went numb and my throwing arm fell asleep. I stayed so long in this contorted posture that I wasn't sure if I could resume a normal stance, ever. And when I moved my neck to the left, to ease the pain in my shoulders I saw him. You see the house makes an "L" shape around the kitchen patio Straight From The Hip ... by William Thomas and there he was sitting in the livin room window staring at me. He ha been sitting in that window staring at me for the entire 20 minutes I stood like a statue of a man holding a rubber boot. And after we stared at each other for one additional minute -- me, unable to unfreeze my stance without suffering serious muscle damage -- he looked past me toward the road hoping to catch just a glimpse of the turnip truck I fell off of on the way into this town. Then he looked back at me and I swear he shook his head. It was a "way too much T.V., Bill" shake of that arrogant little head. Then he licked himself and went to bed. I went and soaked in a hot tub for an hour to regain most of the feeling in my back and upper body. Did I mention he's a really smart little fella? But I'll catch him vandalizing that screen door, you can count on that. Of course when I do, about the only thing I'll be able to do is push my walker in his general direction to scare him a little bit -- but I'll catch him, of that much I am sure. Signed copies of William Thomas' book "Malcolm and Me" can be mailed direct to you by sending $22 to Malcolm and Me, P.O. Box 130, Port Colborne, Ont. L3K 5V8. Please include how you would like to have the book inscribed. CAN YOU READ AN ICE CREAM CONE? You can when it's the best in town from Nuts About Chocolate. During July, every time you buy one, 25¢ will go to Scugog 2 Memorial Library to buy books. How's that for literate enjoyment? SH NUTS pt ed tl d rans BOUT i) 7 [5 ¥ NUTS ABOUT CHOCOLATE Quality & service like they used to be. For Classified Ads ( That Really Work Long Distance Toll Free to place your ad 1-800-561-6698 Port Perry Star customers please call 985-7383 Durham Stearn LOOSE RUGS BROADLOOM Cleaning \pHoOLSTERY 3M Scotchguard A TE ORUTR TTR CTR ONE TURE OER TE RT TR nan ne nin arimm VOTE ADVE YOUVE 10000408080 VERVCRY U0 RRT UI URGE VI NORL LR RAIL LALLEAT EL All concerts will take place on Sunday Evenings beginning at 7pm. Everyone welcome. No admission. Bring your own lawn chair or blanket. July 10 ~ JOHN DEEHAN (Jazz Music) July 17 ALEX INGRAM (Big Band 'Seniors') July 24 SCUGOG BRASS (Variety of Music) LARRY SHEPPARD (Neil Young Tribute) Aug.7 Aug. 14 OLD TYME FIDDLERS Aug.21 UXBRIDGE CONCERT COMMUNITY BAND (Variety of Music) Aug.28 GOOD TYME CLOGGERS (Dance) rrr CECE CCR TCR CE CR CRRA TR TCR TITRE TART TTR CHET TAR YOUR 18 V18 VR VON VER VEN TVR VS TORE TERY AT VAY UT VIO TOY LAY LOO TER Ed TRV TTR TEATRO TH TTT RT TER TIER RTE TT HL TH TATTLE DR. J. HARDY DR. T. KING (Orthodontist) Emergencies welcomed Insurance assignment (we collect from insurance companies) DR. A. CHIA DR. J. COTTRELL DR. M. GARFAT New patients always welcome! Gentle Dental Care for the whole family We provide our patients: ® State-of-the-Art Care * Comfortable atmosphere ® Relaxation techniques 44 § ® Nitrous Oxide (gas) ® Cosmetic Bonding @ [J ' PORT PERRY ) DENTAL CENTRE 238 QUEEN ST. - PORT PERRY \ 985-8451 Evening & Saturday appointments available