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"A Famlly Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, June 21,1994 - Ja ! 4 A couple of weeks ago in Toronto, where sneeze guards at salad bars are being replaced with bullet-proof glass, they had a 17-year-old kid running around shooting people. He shot four people before the cops could collar him. Police believe they would have caught him sooner but they were forbidden to enlist the help of the public. Why? The Young Offenders Act. They could not release the photo and name of this potential killer because he is protected by law. Yes, there are still those in our society, walking upright and using manual dexterity, who believe that the availability of guns and the protection of young criminals from prosecution are pretty good ideas. Therefore I say we have no choice. I say we go the other way. So today I'm introducing the all-new Ye Olde Offenders Act. Think about it. Most of us are rushing toward senior citizenship so fast we barely have time to stop and pull up our support hose. And there are a lot more of us than them. Fair is fair -- why shouldn't the old get the GRUMPY OLD GUNMEN same break as the young. Ye Olde Offenders Act: anybody over the age of 55 will henceforth be able to take a leek in a public fountain any damn day of the week and there isn't anything, anybody can do about it. Man, standing in town fountain whizzing: "Look at this officer - I'm the Golden Jet!" Officer: "Are you doing what I think you're doing?" Man, dumping large box of Tide into water: "Yeah but look...I"m cleaning it up! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." Officer: "Come over here. How old are you?" Man: "Fifty-six." Officer: "Hold out your wrist. SLAP!...Okay you can go." Ye Olde Offenders Act -- gonna love it. You want to check 40 items through the 8-item-or-less counter. Be my guest. What are they going to do? Call a cop? You see The Young Offenders Act assumes that anybody under the age of 18 committing a crime is not a criminals he's a social problem. Now you're with Ye Olde Offenders Act, the government is going to have a bunch more social problems to deal with and these more mature, non-criminals are not going to be a lot of fun to deal with because their prostates are overheating all the time. Think about it, we'll never have to worry about the government de- indexing our pensions. Short of cash? We'll just get a bunch of boys from the bowling team and we'll rob a bloody bank! (Please note, if you're going to rob banks with other senior citizens bring along a young person who can remember where the getaway car is parked. Then pin the crime on him. He's young! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! No, you won't have to worry about juvenile delinquents by the year 2000, it's the senile delinquents that you'll walk across the street to avoid. You and the little woman want to take a trip to Florida next winter. No problem. You book a real cheap domestic flight, say Toronto to Ottawa, then pack light and pack right -- i.e. a gun. ~ Once on board you place the muzzle of that gun behind the ear of the pilot and show him the map in the Dunedin brochure so he can land on that long stretch of beach and you can walk to the ball park from there. Oh sure, there'll be a real kerfuffle Straight From The Hip by William Thomas upon landing but what are they going to do? Extradite you back to Canada to give you a good talking to? They can't do anything -- because you're not a criminal. You're a social problem who just can't seem to get enough bran. . Plus, we won't cost as much to control. If they keep the Young Offenders Act they're going to have to build more juvenile institutions. But not for old offenders. We already have those institutions. They're called Sunset Havens. And the best is, we can use Ye Olde Offenders Act to override The Young Offenders Act. When a bunch of us old people see a couple of kids committing a crime, we'll just grab the little buggers and whale the beejeesus out of them. There'll be more of us and....that's right, we can't be charged --- we're too old! We'll call ourselves "The Hole In The Wall Of The Heart Gang," no, no, "Grumpy Old Gunmen," no, "The Bad Bran Bunch." Yeah that's it, and I'll be "Wiley OI' Willy," no, no, I'll be "The Prostate Punk." Signed copies of William Thomas' book "Malcolm and Me" can be mailed direct to you by sending $22 to Malcolm and Me, P.O. Box 130, Port Colborne, Ont. L3K 5V8. Please include how you would like to have the book inscribed. INDIVIDUALS ~ Chartered Ac Income tax planning and return preparations ¢ Personal tax returns electronically filed Financial, estate and retirement planning CORPORATIONS ~ SMALL BUSINESSES ~ FARMS 204 Casimir Street, Port Perry, Ont. LYL 1B7 (905) 985-9725 "Van Camp & Keller countants DAISY'S FABRICS We can take the mystery out of curtain malcing! Kelly, Zuly, Greenway, Bruce Barristers and Solicitors Motor Vehicle - Criminal - Personal Injury Wills - Real Estate - Family Law Corporate & Commercial EVENINGS AND WEEKENDS BY APPOINTMENT 114 King St. E., Oshawa 723-2278 THE DURHAM BOARD OF EDUCATION SUMMER COMPUTER/ ACTIVITY CAMPS We can help you with any custom drapery order. Talk to one of our friendly sales people and see what we can do for you! Installation service available on rods and blinds - Ours or Yours! The Durham Board of Education is committed to helping students become computer literate. In addition to regular school computer programs, the Board now offers summer computer programs for those students who wish to start or extend their computer skills. VERTICALS, VENETIANS & IN-STOCK ROLLER BLINDS 0% OFF Register today for a 5 day summer computer/activity camp being offered in your community at the following schools: SCOTT CENTRAL P.S. PORT PERRY H.S. JULY 18 - 22, 1994 JULY 18 - 22, 1994 852-9751 985-7337 All camps run Monday to Friday from 9:00 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. and cost $125. per student. Registration must be received by Monday, June 27, 1994. Please contact schools B offering the program . for further information and registration forms. [Located in the rear ol Lukes Country Store. Sale ends June 30, 1994