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"A Family Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, May 10,1994 - 3a by William Thomas system, otherwise I'd robably be able to my arteries as they creaked and I'm headed for a heart bypass opera- tion just as sure as God made little green apples, kernels of corn and coco- nut palms. And I'm none too pleased about this neither. I run threestimes a week, bike into town and play tennis almost every day of the summer it doesn't rain. My weight jives with the corresponding 6' height level on the health chart. I eat red meat only once a week and I've nev- er ever smoked unless ha! ha! ha! ha! (sorry, I just had a flash back).....unless you count my days at Waterloo Lutheran University in the late 1960s and even then, thanks to an unscru- pulous supplier, that was mostly orega- no. (Even today, if I order an Italian salad in a restaurant and it comes with too much oregano, I'll automatically roll it up in a napkin and try to light it). So I ought to be the picture of health instead of a prescription for pul- monary disaster which I'm certain I am according to that study released by the U.S. Centre for Science in the Public Interest. I'm dreading my date with the doctor. Doctor: "Everything seems to be in order why do you feel you need a triple bypass?" MY NAME'S BILL AND I'M A POPCORN EATER Me: "I go to see one, sometimes two movies a week." Doctor: "The scary ones?" Me: "No, usually foreign language films. I like to read the book and see the movie at the same time." Doctor: "So?" : Me: "So I've been consuming one to two tubs of buttered popcorn per week for the past 25 years." At this point the doctor hauls out his office demonstration skeleton, the bone-bare cadaver with all the parts clashing and jangling as he pulls it from the closet. Doctor: "See this?" Me: "Yeah!" Doctor: "That's you. You're a dead man." As you've heard the Centre for Science study decreed that one tub of buttered popcorn, because of the high level of saturated fat of the coconut oil it's cooked in, is the equivalent of eat- ing eight Big Macs. Let's see, one-and- one-half tubs of buttered popcorn for 1,300 straight weeks times the fat cont- ent of 12 Big Macs is.....carry the two...subtract the special sauce...add the three cans of cold beer I sneak in the show...Listen, it's a damn good thing that I learned mathematics at all three levels of the Canadian education to figure this out and I'd drop straight away dead looking at the total! Oh yeah, and after I sat my eight Big Macs which are disguised as but- tered popcorn I go to Danny Zack's Bar where I have a double order of hot chicken wings, celery and blue cheese and beer. Good grief. If I should simply explode before I can finish this column, please somebody out there, on my behalf, sue the 8#?'@X! ears of corn off Orville Redenbacher. Three additional shocking statistics which I've learned from a leaked report that the Centre for Science is afraid to make public are: * Orville Redenbacher is actually 27 years of age but he nibbles off the con- veyer belt a lot. * That eight Big Macs a week would be enough to even cause Brian Mulroney's heart to stop, if he had one. * Eating those charred unpopped kernels at the bottom of the box can cause avid theatre goers to wear over- sized raincoats inside the theatre like Peewee Herman. I'm becoming a nervous wreck over all of this. In fact I'm so sure I'll need the bypass I'm thinking I should avoid the four-year wait for heart operations here in Ontario and go straight to the clinic in Cleveland now. And you know what pushed me over the top? Schindler's List did it with a running time of three hours and 20 minutes. I had two tubs of buttered pop- corn or 16 Big Macs on the fat-o-meter. People behind me kept saying "Shhh!" groaned and finally slammed shut. Imagine that? The Great Oscar Schindler saves the lives of thousands of Jews and sends an ex-Catholic col- umnist to his death in a darkened little cinema in Buffalo, New York. It's just not fair. I'm dying for the editing excess- es of Stephen Spielberg. When it's over 1 want all my readers to march slowly past my grave leaving empty tubs of buttered popcorn. In the time I have left I plan to start smoking cigarettes, drinking large . uantities of hard liquor, cheering for the N.D.P. and standing in front of gov- ernment office doors at 4:01 in the afternoon. Hey, I'm already a goner! As a last request I'd like to be Richard Nixonized. I want high profile and reputable people to come to my funeral and tell big bare-faced lies about what a great man I was. No men- tion must be made that I spent a good deal of my adult life slumped in darkened public places addictively mainlining dangerous amounts of a veg- etable grain cooked in a natural nut oil. I'm sorry. It started with a couple tokes of oregano and before I knew it...well. I beg you, sit your children down today and talk to them about Italian seasonings and buttered popcorn. Signed copies of William Thomas book "Malcolm and Me" can be mailed direct to you by sending $22 to Malcolm and Me, P.O. Box 130, Port Colborne, Ont. L3K 5V8. Please include how you would like to have the book inscribed. ) Rankins celebrate 25th Anniversary Church and Sunday School this week will be held in Utica starting at 11 a.m. There were 15 tables of eu- chre played on Friday night in the hall with the following win- ners: Ladies first - Verna Slute, second - Margaret Gall, third - Jean Harrison. Men's first - Verna Draper, second - Bill But- ters, third - Lloyd Smith. Freeze-out winners were Bill Butters and Malcolm Allbright with Carol Brown and Martin Gall coming second. Draws were won by Bernice Appleton, Elsie Pogue and Gordon Wilson. Irene Elson was the winner of the 50/50 draw. There will be another euchre in two weeks, May 20. Congratulations to Jean and Jim Rankin on the occasion of their 26th wedding anniver- sary. Their family held a cele- bration for them in Utica Hall on Saturday night. I'm pleased to report that Travis MacSween is home fol- lowing his recent surgery and is doing well. This Wednesday Trevor Mac- Sween will undergo surgery to correct a problem that has oc- curred due to the broken nose that he sustained last year. Best of luck. Sharane Dear, Adam and Ian had supper at Lorne and Eileen Slutes on Saturday to celebrate the boys birthdays. Lorne and Eileen were at Ken Slute's for supper on Sunday evening. On Sunday, Hillis and Carol, Todd and Carolyn Wilbur at- ROBIN WILLIAMS SALLY FIELD tended the christening of Hillis and Carol's granddaughter Brittany Wilbur and their great-niece Maddison Thom at Greenbank Church. The fami- lies gathered at the Port Perry Lawn Bowling Club for lunch afterwards. Jean Scott of London spent a few days on the weekend with her mother Mrs. Crosier. Eileen Mole's sister from England is spending a few weeks with Bill and Eileen. BS. DOUBTFIRE * Includes required quantity premium oil and Toyota genuine oil filter. (Trucks & vans extra) il TOYOTA il i LINDSAY'S OLDEST IMPORT DEALER [ Little Britain Rd, across from McLean's Auction Bam. OFFER ENDS MAY 31, 1994. Hwy. 7A at 1874 Scugog St., Port Perry Open 10am to 10pm everyday, all week 985-4459 (705) 324-6771 A * Water Damage e Wind Damage Complete Insurance Consultation WE PAY THE DEDUCTABLE maximum $100.00 OVERRIDGE RENOVATOR 60 Vanedward Drive, Port Perry (905) 985-7754 || | Care for the whole family We provide our patients: ® State-of-the-Art Care ® Comfortable atmosphere * Relaxation techniques (4 ® Nitrous Oxide (gas) ® Cosmetic Bonding * Emergencies welcomed ® Insurance assignment (we collect from insurance companies) DR. A. CHIA DR. J. COTTRELL DR. M. GARFAT DR. J. HARDY DR. T. 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