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------ i I Ca 2 Ed re -- chm rr -- i PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, April 14, 1992 - 1 I'm lucky to be alive. My assailant, who looked nice enough with his quick smile and clean, casual attire grabbed me from behind as soon as I was sitting down. Before I could even scream for help he had my arms pinned behind my back and his knee in the base of my spine. I heard my back crack like old, dry kindling and in that split second, with my nervous system immobilized by pain, he released my arms and seized me by the neck. He quickly got me into a headlock and twisted my neck - first one way and then the other - until the noise of snapping, crackling vertebrae caused me to black out momentarily. When I came to and stumbled. to a standing position I was face-to-face with him once more and he was smil- ing, still. I thought about punching his lights out, faking a roundhouse left hook and then kicking him in the groin so that he'd go down just long enough for me to smash a chair across his back and leave him writhing in agony on his own office floor. ~ But instead I went out to the recep- by William Thomas CHIROPRACTIC PAIN NOW, PAY LATER tionist, wrote out a cheque for $22 and booked another appointment for the following week. Oh yeah, and I thanked him for beating me to within an inch of my miserable little poor-postured life. CHIROPRACTIC - the World Wrestling Federation with x-rays and wall charts. Chiropractors - we love them, we line up to see them, our government subsidizes them and we pay them well for the pain they inflict. I like chiropractors because their moves are very clear: 1] they want to hurt people. 2] they want to make a lot of money. They don't want to actually kill you like say Revenue Canada does; they just want to hurt you the way Victor Derocco did when he caught you play- ing doctor with his sister and you couldn't produce a valid certificate to practice medicine. They don't want to make an outra- geous amount of money like say profes- sional baseball players or dentists. On the contrary, chiropractors are happy people, they're polité, they're sympathetic and theyre punishing. Now take my chiropractor -- take him out in the alley and tenderize his lower back muscles with an axe handle and bill him for the privilege - please! .. [1 really like my chiropractor - Dr. Mark "Bonecrusher" Bosilac or as the cut-ups down at the paddle tennis club call him: "The Fonthill Fracture." Mark was too short to be a professional wres- tler and too Yugoslavian to be a mob- ster so the only other career avenue open to a young and ambitious pur- veyor of pain was chiropractice. Mark is a superb communicator, constantly in touch with the patient as he goes through a session like the one I just described. Mark: "Are you feeling a little dis- comfort in this area?" Discomfort? In that area where you have your thumbs buried up to their second knuckles and your fingers are playing chopsticks on my thorastic ver- tebrae? That area where at this moment my minora flexor is screaming for the sciatic sacrum to dial vertebra 911 and tell the trauma unit Lumbar 5 to haul its sorry asscus down here? Me: "No, that's okay." Never admit to discomfort. This is an open invitation for the chiropractor to intensify the treatment so as to alle- viate the discomfort and bring on real gut-wrenching pain. Mark: "How long have you had this discomfort?" Oh, I suppose it all began shortly after you told me to take my shirt off. But you don't say that. Me: "Not long. It comes and goes. There it's gone! I'll just get out of your way now." Mark, slamming me back down on the couch as I instinctively extend my arm for the tag from my partner in the corner: "I'm a big believer in exercise which is why I'm over stimulating these cervical regions." Right. I'm a big believer in not cry- ing in public which is why I just bit through my bottom lip. Me, standing with my mouth open in front of the x-ray machine: "No harmful effects from x-rays, is there?" Mark activating the machine by remote control and shouting at me from Tim Horton's just across the plaza: "No." Yet chiropractors employ the swee- test secretaries -- they're charming and cheerful and always humming: "Peo- ple...people who need people..." If chiropractors really wanted to be up front with their patients they'd hire Gerda - Receptionist To The Third Reich to sit out in the lobby: "Yes, Heir Thomas today the doctor will beat you * 80 bad only your dental records will be able to recognize you. Now strap your- self in that rack." Chiropractic: physical abuse that we not only pay for but keep coming back for more. Motto: No pain, no capital gain. "i -------- i to ad Sams Se --------E 45 YEARS AGO Thursday, April 10, 1947 Mr. Frank Dowson and son Joe of Scugog Island have leased Mr. Powell's farm which was vacated by Mr. M. Collins. Seventy-five members attended the annual meeting of the Businessmen's Association in the Sebert House with the following new officers elected: president Harry Peel, past president M. Gerrow, vice-president Wm. Carnegie, 2nd vice- president Oscar Beare, 3rd vice-president J.J. Gibson, secretary V. Stouffer, and treasurer | Gordon Reesor. Mr. George Crawford of Blackstock has been appointed superintendent of an extensive building project at the Guild of All Arts in Toronto «Wallace Marlow, Blackstock, was elected to the Cartwright Board of Education, succeeding Harold [= A Remember When ? | HISTORIC PHOTOS COURTESY SCUGOG SHORES MUSEUM The Scugog Shores Museum Village Is asking township men to grin and "beard" it. The museum Is hosting a Canada 125 Beard Growing Contest from May 18 to Sept. 19 (125 days). An all-women panel of judges will select winners In a number of different categories such as best handlebar moustache, bushiest beard, and longest beard. A prize will also be awarded to the fellow who collects the most pledges. Showing how good they look in beards are (at left) Samuel T. Cawker, a Port Perry butcher, and T. C. Forman, treasurer of the Presbyterian Church for more than 40 years. For more information about the contest, call the museum at 985-3589. Philip. 35 YEARS AGO Thursday, April 11, 1957 High winds last Thursday fanned a fire which destroyed the repair shop of Tripp Construction Limited on Shirley Road. Two bulldozers, tires and other equipment were destroyed and the building burned to the ground. At a special meeting of Port Perry Council, the rates were set as follows: residential - 66.5 mills; commercial - 72 mills. Members of the council were J.J. Gibson, reeve; A.T. Cox, W.T. Harris, F. Godley and Irving Boyd, councillors. 30 YEARS AGO Thursday, April 12, 1962 Miss Barbara Jean Coates graduated from the PLEASE TURN TO PAGE 8 Let ers io the editor Wants Rae to resign To the Editor: In the very near future Bob Rae and his no-names are to re- turn to the legislature prepar- - ing to destroy this province more. One of the bombs being that of the budget, in which they insist on taxing the al- ready empty pockets of Ontari- ons and the second bomb, should we call it the Atomic Bomb, is that of the Labor Law Amendments. Why does he in- sist on crippling industry when its already crippled due to his socialistic views Does Mr. Rae realize that his amendments to the labor laws are precisely the same labor conditions put in by the labor party of England in the early 1970s and in turn brought Eng- land to its economic knees? Rae's legislation would give the Ontario Labor Relations Board the power to force a company to unionize, even when less than 50 per cent of the workers sup- ported that move. In the event of a strike, workers who disap- proved of the strike would not be allowed to work and manag- ers would not be allowed to hire replacement workers. Collective contracts would follow a businessman so that the free market would become an anarchism. What that means is if I ran a restaurant chain and decided the cost of cleaning from supplier X was too high because that supplier had negotiated a high wage set- tlement, it would do me no good to go to supplier Y. Why not? Be- cause under Rae's proposed la- bor laws, the businessman would be compelled to pay sup- plier Y the same rate as A erX. Come on Mr. Rae, give your head a shake or if you like, I'll shake it for you. If Mr. Rae stays in power and implements his ec- onomic programs, I'll make a bet that the bourgeois laws of Ontario - eroded as they already are by the alliance of feminists and left-wing special-interest groups - will increasingly be re- placed by the coercive structure of communism. The only way in which Onta- rio will differ from the Old So- viet Union is in the degree of cruelty and repression. Enough is enough Bob Rae. RESIGN - that goes for you too Mr. Gord Mills and the rest of your no-name MPPs! Yours sincerely, - Ron Colvin and Rob Long Identities revealed The identities of the two peo- ple featured in last week's Re- member When photo have been revealed. The photo, submitted by Sea- grave General Store owner and operator Martin Fisher, showed a man and a woman at the Sea- grave Train Station. The newpaper had barely hit the newsstands when the Star office received a telephone call from our friends at the Scugog Shores Museum Village. Kim McLaughlin, an employ- ee at the museum, said the couple in question are Mr. and Mrs. Albert Dance. Mr. Dance was the last station agent at the Seagrave station. The Star thanks the museum and Miss McLaughlin foridenti- fying the Dances. a