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4 The South Marysburgh Mirror LL PARTY TINE Continued from page | themselves. If they were, there would be somewhere to sit. The guests are expected to enjoy themselves by standing, enduring shooting back pain, while they desperately seek out a topic to discuss with an utter stranger. But, you say, there's food and drink. I suppose that's true, if you would categorize cheese logs, raw A Lo CE CO Fh So SE SIERRAS aan ae ARES RISE Thi retardants, or skiers describe slushing down some hill, but there's no denying that they seem to enjoy this conversation. So let them. Trash the sardine canapes and the little wee weenies. Provide lots of pretzels, chips, and roast beef sandwiches. Provide no stuff that's drippy because it will find it's way onto my shirt and as I leap up in revulsion will then ooze to the sofa that's been in your family for two generations. Do not go to the store for pineapple juice. vegetables to dip in porcupine poop, and dried out little Provide an abundant supply of beer , pop, ice, and balls of meat impaled on toothpicks as food. Why do holiday punches invariably contain pineapple juice? As far as I know, human beings don't drink it for breakfast. Is its only use as an ingredient in fruit punch to disguise the lack of alcohol? It's not over with Christmas, though, because New Years Eve immediately follows. I'm up for watching Dick Clark try to make the Time Square Falling Ball a spectacle, but for other New Years Eve Parties, colour me at home. It isn't the crepe streamers falling in my drink or the goofy hats the attendees are compelled to wear that get to me, it's the false camaraderie. I feel a little uncomfortable in church when you have to grasp the hands of the people all around you and wish them a blessing. I go nuts when guys I don't know wring my hand, clasp me on the shoulders, and wish me the "best of good fortune in the next year". Crazy ladies plant wet kisses on my face and I'm supposed to like it. Pity the poor ladies, as semi-crazed men pursue them about the room so they can kiss 'em a Happy New Year. I am generally made unhappy by people who, like any opposition party in Parliament, point out the failures of various systems without offering alternatives. For the benefit of those Canadians who insist on hosting holiday parties, I offer the following suggestions. The number of chairs must equal the number of people who will attend. To set the tone, the hostess/host should sit on one of these chairs for a large part of the event, rising only to make food and drink available to the guests. It is insufficient that the sole commonalty shared by the guests is an acquaintance with the host/hostess. Guests should all be neighbours, golfers, model railroaders.... something that allows a basis on which conversation can begin. Boredom reaches an apogee when a couple of golfers discuss their shots on the various courses, farmers discuss the latest weed wine. Ido not wish to discover at your home that I have an allergy to mango or passion fruit juice or some other inventive concoction sourced in the Far East. The invitation should explicitly state that jeans are welcome. After all, many businesses, even IBM, have discovered people are happier when they discard the suit and tie. I'm surprised this dress code anachronism has survived. What purpose does a necktie serve? I don't think people look a great deal better with a rag tied around their neck, even if it has Woody Woodpecker on it or if they paid fifty bucks for it. Lay out a few decks of cards, so those discontent or uncomfortable with communicating can start a game of euchre. Turn the TV to a football game, with hand lettered signs welcoming the guests to slouch down and watch . If there's no sports on the tube, throw a couple of reels of "Rock 'Em, Sock "Em Hockey" or "Greatest Sports Bloopers" in the VCR. I admit a few of these amenities might serve to please the male component of the crowd more than the female, but even an insensitive slob like me can come up with a few things that would make a party more enjoyable for women. Make the invitation explicit, "No high heels allowed, slacks welcome". Why not also mandate that host/hostess gifts are not appropriate? This will save your guests a trip to the LCBO for wine, or parting with some home made pickles. In my experience, women are more sensitive in seeking out a nice gift, and squander a great deal of imagination and effort on it. Be a pal, save them the trouble. If it wasn't for our serious efforts to reduce government overhead, I'd recommend a Royal Commission on party giving, then pass a few laws. It would sure increase my enjoyment quotient in the last quarter of the year. - George Underhill