South Marysburgh Mirror, 1 Apr 2015, p. 13

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TheThe South Marysburgh MirrorMirror Adver(cid:415)sing By George Underhill Aching muscles, diarrhea, rashes, swollen limbs, runny nose, painful urina(cid:415)on, diﬃculty breathing, weight gain, fatal bleeding, bruising, yellow skin, diﬃculty swallowing, pancrea(cid:415)(cid:415)s, thoughts of sui- cide….Jeez, I don't want that disease. Only it isn't a disease, they're the possible side eﬀects of various pills adver(cid:415)sed on TV. I didn't capture many of the side eﬀects because the adver(cid:415)sers say them so rapidly it's hard to write them down. I suspect that's purposeful. "Ask your doctor if these pills are right for you." I don't have to ask. With all these possible side eﬀects, I don't want anything to do with them. If you watch day(cid:415)me television, a(cid:332)er a li(cid:425)le while you're sure you must have some terrible ill- ness because of all the cures adver(cid:415)sed. These cures are interspersed with insurance ads for inex- pensive burial. I suppose you would need these if your "thoughts of suicide" came to frui(cid:415)on. If you ever watched "Judge Judy" or any of the courtroom drama shows, you're inundated with adver(cid:415)sements for law ﬁrms. "You know what to do, call 222-2222!" is one of them. They all have these clever telephone numbers so you won't forget them. "CALL SAM!" is another one for a lawyer named Sam. They say they won't bill you unless they win the lawsuit. Pardon me for being cynical, but if that's the case they won't take your lawsuit unless it's a laydown winner, and then they won't go to court because the expenses are too high and there's no proﬁt margin. Also, their percentage of the award must be extraordinarily high. I feel that lawyers adver(cid:415)sing on TV don't have a high proﬁle on ethics and morality. Pat's Playhouse Hand-Made Scarves, Mitts, Socks & Hats, Toys, Receiving Blankets, Baby & Lap Quilts as well as Rose of Sharon and Burning Bush plants and a selection of Jams. Pat York, 113 Morrison Pt. Rd. 613.476.6929 Follow me at Pat's Playhouse on Facebook! Please patronize The Mirror's advertisers without whom the paper couldn't be published. And please tell them you saw their ad! 13 Have you ever seen beer adver(cid:415)sements that say the beer is "clean" and/or "crisp"? Would they adver(cid:415)se a beer that was "dirty"? I don't know what clean is in terms of beer. "Crisp", what is that? Beer is a liquid, how can it be crisp? These are just pleasant sounding words, meaning nothing, meant to persuade you to try the beer. I'm drinking Mill Street beer these days, available at the LCBO. It's organic. What's organic beer? Well, I know what organic is, but when swilling down the suds, does it really ma(cid:425)er if they're organic? There's lots of other ways beer can kill you. It's like organic dope or you could sniﬀ organic gasoline. And then there is a plethora of remedies for headaches and colds. Typically, some poor devil is on death's doorstep, with blotchy skin, runny nose, debilita(cid:415)ng head and body pain and cannot sleep. But wait! One Advil or Aleve or Nyquil or one of these kinds of pills and, miraculously, the person is leaping cheerfully about, u(cid:425)erly cured. I used to think that religious faith healers had the corner on miracles, but not anymore. You know, I don't think the adver(cid:415)sers actu- ally think we believe all this nonsense. Then again, they apparently believe in miracles. 613.661.0669 HAPPENINGS AT ST. PHILIP'S ANGLICAN CHURCH, MILFORD St. Philip's Calendar of Events 2015 Canoe Trip May 18 (11:00 a.m. from Guernsey's ending at Morrison Point Road) August 5 Pork & Corn Roast (5:30 - 7:00 p.m.) Turkey Supper (5:00p.m. - 7:00 p.m.) Yard & Rummage Sale (10:00 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.) Christmas Tea (2:00p.m. - 4:00 p.m.) October 3 Sept. 16 November 14