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PORT PERRY STAR - Monday, December 23, 1991 - 7 i § § 5 } £ 3 i } EM a I hate Christmas. Why, you ask, could anybody hate Christmas when we've moved substan- tially closer to peace on earth now that the Berlin Wall is down, the hostages in Beirut are free and Imelda Marcos has her bullet-proof bra back from the Philippine government? Well, there are a lot of things that depress me at this time of year. First, they always release another Zamfir Christmas album, which I think just adds to the workload of people who man suicide hot lines. Then there's always that highly improbable story about the girl in the manger giving birth to the kid with no father. Folks, I grew up in a rural ham- let called Dain City. If I've heard that story once, I've heard it a thousand times. The only difference is in Bethlehem, this immaculate conception story resulted in the beginning of Christianity and in Dain City it always ended in a shot-gun wedding. Girls in Dain City could never understand how their parents could believe the Bible, but never the boyfriend. And of course there's the four-page Christmas card list I have but no longer use, the 60' of Christmas lights in the attic that stay right there and the night-after-night round of Christmas Straight From by William Thomas WHAT TO BUY THE CAT WHO HATES EVERYTHING parties that I never get invited to. "Iis not the season of my good cheer. But the real reason I hate Christmas is that it's a family time of year and in my case the one time every year I have to face the fact that my entire, immediate, live-in family con- sists of one very short being who has to be de-flead on a regular basis. Theres something basically sick about a person who looks forward to spending quality, holiday time with someone who drinks out of the toilet and can go days with particles of food encrusted under his nose. Then, theres always the problem of a gift. What do you buy an arthritic cat with a bladder problem. Depends? OK, but how do you keep them in place? Bungee chords? No, it's not that simple. Malcolm is 17 years old and has yearned for just one thing each and every Christmas - a two-year-old female in the advanced stages of reproductive heat. But what if meow means no. I can't handle that kind of responsibility. I can't get him what I get my mom and my sisters. It's embarrassing enough to see all of them lined at Bi- Way with their gift certificates, not Malcolm too. Cologne would be great but they don't make oil of red snapper. Slippers and a robe sounds nice, but it would be just five more things I'd be picking up after him. One year I bought him one of those expensive cat beds, round with a form- fitting corduroy cushion. Today it's a wine rack in the basement. I used to buy him all the latest cat toys on the market but he just let them all run down and he never once replaced the batteries. There's a 30-minute cassette on the market called Kitty Video which shows "birds at close range-chirping, flutter- ing, flying and walking." The purpose - to keep bored cats captivated. It's not the kind of hi-tech toy Malcolm deserves. What Malcolm deserves is a dub of the feature film 101 Dalmatians - dogs at close range - barking, growling, biting and treeing cats. My purpose - to keep a bad cat terrorized. A trip for Malcolm would be a dream gift (my dream}, but the single supple- ment you have to pay for cats travelling alone these days doubles the price of the package. Plus, airlines will not sell you a one-way ticket for a cat on any of their international destinations. I called. Food is always a favorite with Malcolm but how long can you keep raw liver under the tree. Practical gifts are always the best. I thought about getting Malcolm his own cat-operated can opener but then what useful purpose would I ever serve again. i p pa What Malcolm really needs is one of those automatic doormats like the supermarket has. This way when he wants to go out he just walks up to the door, onto the mat and presto! - it opens and lets him out. Then when he wants to come back in, which happens to be the exact moment he gets out, he steps on the mat and presto! - he's back in. At which point he always wants to go out again, and then in again, and out and in and out and in and out again and in again until finally he would become disoriented and pass out until late in the spring of next year. And I would adjust the speed on the automatic door ever so slightly so that as he ages and slows down, the opening and closing action of the door would speed up until this very simple proce- dure of exiting and entering the house became an exciting and somewhat dan- gerous sport that would cause me to pull up a chair and spectate with the aid of fresh popcorn and beer. As it stands now, he's driven me to the point where I'd like to put the little bugger out without opening the door at all. With so little time left, I decided that the basic gifts are best: a toe-nail clipper that also cuts the ends off of his hand- rolled catnip cigars, a large tin of Carnation Evaporated Milk and a cigar- ette lighter which, when turned upside down, drains all the colored liquid out so Miss Mew appears absolutely naked. Merry Christmas Malcolm | Letter S to the editor Suggestion re: Young Offenders Act foolish Your bashing of the Y.O.A. To the Editor: Remember When 7? HISTORIC PHOTO COURTESY OF WILMOT PHAIR Your editorial comment "Punishing the Kids" (Dec. 17, 1991) suggests that the root of all evil in matters pertaining to youth crime is the lax Young Offenders Act. With all due respect to you and your otherwise fine publication, this suggestion is utter non- sense. To rely on a strict cause and effect relationship between an increase in crime among young people and what you postulate as weak punish- ments under the Y.0.A. is akin to suggesting that if women wear short skirts, they're going to be sexually as- saulted - there may be some superficial and apparent con- nection, but the proposition simply does not stand up to any kind of analysis. There has been an increase in youth crime because we, as a society, have utterly failed to preserve any semblance of re- spect for personal rights, per- sonal property or any essence of goodwill among men. One sees this in our schools, on the streets and in every aspect of daily living as it involves our young people. It is we, as a so- ciety, who have failed to en- sure that our young people have a sense of discipline and respect and it is this and not any federal legislation that * has contributed to the prob- lems that you outline in your editorial. is typical of the attitude of many adults with whom I have spoken who would like the problems that we face with our youths to be solved by somebody else. Until we, as a society, address this funda- mental issue in a personal way, no legislation in the world is going to change the problem. A final point - at the end of your editorial you suggest that the media should be permitted to publish the names of young persons charged with criminal offences and to have some more extensive access to the courts in this regard. The pre- Your Friend oy T whan, T. ALEEKT SCHOLES. SATFIRLD, CHRISTMAS, 1849, ? ~ - : ~ ' n RE | gv Poy Hort 1s io f. " vist (edd Tea pplatiin, ae LY dalith est dishes (av A Merry heistmas, ~ 2A Fappo Ale {ea Ving evar? ss nes, avery rith, 1,7 CATE Thirds Exp ITO Land ag, cake in age and ycuih God's wisdom 10 adore, ¢ Liav those who teach, and those wha learn, Walk in the narrow road ; In every sphure of thought diccern An ever-piracent Ged."'--=Die. Dewart, - aad a doppus Fulure, Lave xxi 40, sumption of innocence is frail enough in our modern society, without having our media publish the names of persons who have not been convicted of anything. I am entirely in favor of extensive publication of events and the names of persons who have been con- victed of criminal activity. This is clearly in the public in- terest. But what possible good can flow from the publication of the name of a person, under the age of 17, who has been merely charged and not con- victed of a criminal offence. It may sell newspapers, but it does not advance the adminis- tration of justice. Bryan T. Davies Port Perry, Ont. Thursday, December 19, 1946 Friends and neighbors spent a pleasant evening with Mr. and Mrs. Norman Crozier of Scugog as they will be moving to Woodville soon. The Norman Mein's house in Port Perry has been sold to Arthur Gordon of Sunderland. The Port Perry Yacht Club are holding a New Year's Dance in the high school. 45 YEARS AGO 35 YEARS AGO Thursday, December 20, 1956 The Scugog Island congregation formed a new church, "Scugog United Church." Over 40 new members were received by letter of transfer, as well as 91 from the three uniting congregations. Rev. J.K. Brahm conducted the morning service. Miss Ruby Wilson formerly of Epsom, now a Yours very truly, fiasianary in Nigeria is enjoying a holiday at Mr. Arthur Hyland, Blackstock was elected T. Albert Scholes, public school teacher in Saintfield, sent this Christmas greeting card to his puplis in 1890. This card was addressed to Rosella. by acclamation to fill the vacancy in township council. 30 YEARS AGO Thursday, December 21, 1861 At the regular meeting of council in Port Perry J.J. Gibson reported that the new 300,000 gallon water tank is nearing completion. At the same meeting a resolution that the corporation enter into a three year lease with Canadian H.W. Gossard Company was passed. 25 YEARS AGO Thursday, December 22, 1966 Population growth in Scugog has increased to a total of 3,000 up from a 1953 survey of 1,300. The increase during the same period for Reach Township was about 600, from 2,809 in 19563 up to 3,404 at the end of 1966. Honeydale Women's Institute will donate four PLEASE TURN TO PAGE 10 a al a Pye mma hy