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pine { | : PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, December 17, 1991 - 7 ra "Ho, ho, ho" laughs Santa Claus. "tis the season that Santa will be dropping by to lay little dollies under your Christmas tree!" Not a chance, fatso. This is the 1990's. In this, the decade of political correctness, cultural counterbalance, sexual neutralism and raciall beigeness - "ho, ho, ho" could well mean "no." In Canada today that once innocent statement could be construed as child abusive, degrading to women and antagonistic to environmentalists embroiled in pitched battles with lumber and paper conglomerates to stop the wanton depletion of our forests. Sorry Santa, the gig is up, you're about to be santatized just like the rest of us. First up - lose fifty pounds and trash the pipe big guy -- you mock the model of today's health-conscious male and kids say kissing you is like kissing an ashtray that recently contained King Albert's can. Personally, I like the way you look Santa but why should you and I contribute the same to OHIP when your obesity and smoking habits mean you'll be a much greater benefactor of the system than I, Yeah sure you were by William Thomas A SANTA FOR THE 90s ood to me when I was a kid Santa, ut I'm sorry, I won't bear the guilt of Christmas' past. And besides what have you done for me lately? Next, the threads have got to go. Those shiny black leather boots and matching leather belt? C'mon Santa, where have Jou been living for the past ten years? The North Pole? Those items are not apparel anymore, they are tools of rough trade that could be demeaning and threatening to the submissive party in any ongoing Sadomasochistic relationship. I mean for gawdsakes Santa, you're advertising everything but the chaps, the mask and the hand cuffs. And that tangled mane of white hair with the unruly mustache and beard to match? Uh, uh fella. Not with us 90's folk you don't. It's unkept and unhygenic. Trim it all back and get a portable sneeze- guard bolted to your brow a.s.a.p. ankly, the shock white color is an affront to the "grey power" movement and it makes you look like a drug- crazed Timothy Leary of the senior citizens set. The hairless face is an honest face and with those wire-rim glasses you too could be an N.D.P. provincial premier. Get yourself properly positioned politically Santa, your job too could be up for redundancy. And that floppy red night cap with the white tassle on the end? en Don't you think we have enough people in this country making fun of Joe Clark without you mocking his bedtime attire? And Santa, I wouldn't say that your reputation as a jolly ol' gift giver with a belly full of ely is in trouble, but the way you dress and treat your elves has the gay community referring to you as Old Saint Saddam. Sure they goof off a lot and don't take their jobs too seriously but that's no reason why they shouldn't get an iron-clad guarantee of job security just like our federal public service employees. I mean sure your elves may be a little mischievous but they're not downright surly. Lighten up a little. And keeping Mrs. Claus at home to cook and clean all day. Ho, ho, ho -- no freakin' way you silly ol' soul. In what cave did you meet this woman anyway? No, no, no. You keep this up - you keep calling her "honey" and the "little woman" and "my better half" -- and your Sleigh is going to be blown out of that sky faster than an Iraqui military aircraft requesting permission to land at the White House. Santa, trust me, mouthing off to L.A. gang leaders is safer than talking down to women these days. Just give them whatever they want and start wearing a hockey helmet. It'll be sels on a one-man show like yourself, but effective immediately, Mrs. Claus becomes C.E.O. down at the factory and as of midnight, Dec. 24 -- you gotta let her drive. I don't even want to tell you what the animal right's groups have planned for you in their 1992 campaign code- named "Setting Free The Reindeer" but suffice to say Rudolf has, without your knowledge put Eddie Greenspan on retainer. That's right Santa, the next time you whack that lazy little bugger in the rump (and yes I agree there are times when he deserves. it) 'twill be your own ample end that'll be feeling the sting. And by the way Santa, that route you take every year over the North Pole and then across the world -- well it seems your flight pattern has been scaring herds of migrating caribou in the orthwest Territories and subsequently playing hell with the hunting habits of native Inuits. I know it sounds harsh, but until further notice big guy, you're grounded. Wake up Santa and smell the milk and cookies. It's the 1990's - the era of image. The fat guy in the red suit pulling dolls out of a duffle bag - Santa, it won't wash. You gotta be hip, aware, sympathetic, neutral, retreating. I see you with a whole new 90's look Santa - kind of a Bob Rae look-alike handing out fax-o-gram gift certificates at the local shopping mall. Letters io the editor Road upgrading needed The following letter was sent to Scugog Township Council by Ward 3 candidate John Abbott. A copy was sent to the Editor of the Port Perry Star. To Members of Council: Re: Regional Road 7 Upgrading As a result of the fatal acci- dent on Regional Road 7 on Dec. 12, I am writing this letter to once again bring to your atten- tion the hazardous road condi- tions on Regional Road 7. This has been the third sin- gle-car accident on this road since October 1, 1991. I have witnessed several accidents of the same nature, including my- self being thrown into the ditch . after being caught on the drop off shoulder of the road on a curve. This is a terrifying expe- rience when you lose control and are left at the mercy of the road conditions. I ask that council immediate- ly contact Durham Region who is responsible for the mainte- nance of Regional Road 7, to pave or hard top all shoulders of this road as a temporary meas- ure to assure reasonable safety on this road in all conditions, until a permanent solution to this very dangerous situation can be resolved. This concern was raised dur- ing my election campaign and also reported in the two local paperson Oct. 1, 1991. How many of our neighbors have to die on this road before actionis taken? I am pleading with council to make the above recommenda- tions. A prompt response would be appreciated. Yours truly, John Abbott Pets for presents a no-no To the Editor: Every year numerous pets are given as Christmas presents. And every year many of thesg animals are de- posited at the local animal shelter or pound a day or two after Christmas. While the ini- tial intention of giving an ani- mal to someone at Christmas may have been good, the out- come often is not. Unfortu- nately, it is the innocent dog or cat which is the victim in these situations. There are several reasons why pets do not usually make good Christmas gifts. Often the recipient, although sur- prised, does not even want a pet. Even if the person does want a pet, chances are he/she wants to- choose his/her own animal. It is vital that the per- son acquiring a pet be allowed to select the animal that the individual wants. If the person for whom the pet is intended is not involved in the selection process, he/she may be disap- pointed. For example, if a child has his/her heart set on a medium or larger sized dog, then he/she may be disap- ointed if presented with a toy Pend This disappointment could result in the person nev- er warming up to the animal. This is unfair as the pet will sense that it is not wanted. Turn to Page 8 Remember When 2? HISTORIC PHOTOS COURTESY SCUGOG SHORES MUSEUM This picture of the Seagrave Store was printed on a postcard. A gentleman named Austin Mitchell sent the card to his mother in 1913. {Photo courtesy of Martin Fisher} 45 YEARS AGO Thursday, December 12, 1946 Mr. Joel Aldred Sr. of Scugog is plastering the new church with Mr. Victor Aldred assisting him. A shower was held in Memory Hall, Utica in honor of Laura Rodgers and Melville Lakoy. Statistics to Community Hospital for October and November of this year: Patients admitted 65, Operations 6, Minor 20, Medical cases 20, Births 19, Deaths from July to November 30 - none. Mr. Roy Robertson, a member of the Ontario County Flying Club, Oshawa has received his private pilot's license. 35 YEARS AGO Thursday, December 13, 1956 Dr. M.B. Dymond was installed as Master of Fidelity Lodge. Brother L.D. Colbear was the installing master. This year the Lions Club and their ladies held a Christmas party at the Flamingo Restaurant. Mr. Hugh Baird, Greenbank was presented with a piece of luggage by Greenbank W.A. Mr. Baird was Champion Tractor ploughman. 30 YEARS AGO Thursday, December 14, 1961 Fire on Tuesday destroyed the workshop of E.G. Michell at Birdseye Centre. At the annual meeting of the Hospital Auxiliary the new slate of officers were elected as follows: President - Mrs. M.B. Dymond, 1st Vice - Mrs. Lavern Martyn, 2nd Vice - Mrs. George Smith, Secretary - Mrs. B.L. Wanamaker, and Treasurer - Mrs. Don Crosier. A program of choir music was presented at Utica United Church under the direction of Mrs. Frances Sandison. 25 YEARS AGO PLEASE TURN TO PAGE 8