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10 -- PORT PERRY STAR -- Tues. November 27, 1984 (From page 3) Oshawa) recommends that the wife seek legal advice. She should never rely on what her husband tells her. She should also see a doctor to obtain a medical report on her condition, which could be needed if any charges are laid. Above all, Project Auberge urges abused women to tell the truth about their scrapes or bruises, not to keep abuse a secret. . And if you suspect someone you know is abused, Joyce Killin of Project Auberge, suggests you try and help the person, not ignore her. "Don't turn a blind eye to it," she said. "Don't close your eyes to abuse any longer. As our government says, let's break the silence." Project Auberge opened its doors for the first time last August and has had 90 per cent occupancy rate ever since. For up to 10 women and children at a time, Auberge provides safety and protection for those who have fled from family violence. It pro- vides accomodation, food, and emergency clothing, as well as counselling and advocacy for abused women on an individual and support group basis. CRISIS CALLS It also operates a 24 hour telephone line for information and crisis calls, and Ms. Killin suggests that any woman considering leaving her home call ahead so arrangements will have been made when she arrives. But in most cases of abuse, women don't leave the home. 'People say, 'Why doesn't she leave? Is she crazy? Stupid? The fact is, she's terrified," Ms. Killin said. "Always hanging over her head is the feeling she doesn't know when it will happen next." Statistics have shown that abuse will not stop but will probably get worse, unless the abus- ing partner admits that he is responsible for doing something wrong; that he wants to stop, learn new ways of coping with his feelings and agrees the person he abuses is not respon- sible for his actions. The Cycle Theory of Violence explains how women have become victimized, how they fall into 'learned help- lessness" and why they don't attempt to escape. Phase One: Tension Building Stage. During this time minor batter- ing incidents occur. A woman may handle these incidents in various ways that have been successful before becoming compliant, anticipating his every whim, staying out of his way). She lets the batt- erer know that she accepts his abusiveness as legitimately directed toward her. Not that she believes she should be abused, rather, she believes what she does will prevent his anger from escalating. If she does her job well, then the incident is over. If he explodes, then she assumes the guilt. Phase Two: The Acute Battering Incident. Characterized by uncontrollable dis- charge of tensions built up in Phase One. =~ It usually between two and 24 hours, though some women report a steady reign of terror for a week or more. SAFE PLACE Only the batterers can end the second phase. A woman's only option is to find a safe place to hide. Why he stops is unclear. When the acute attack is over, usually followed by initial shock, denial, disbelief, both batterers and victims find ways of rationalizing the ser- iousness of such attacks. Free C CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR KIDS ONLY -N Pay the Sales Tax. Trocomtes & Gift Wrapping. s and Thank You for Merry Christma throughout the Year. Your Patronage O ADULTS! MFP IEP EPP ERE ee Pe ru a oo ] lasts - Phase Three: Kind- ness and Contrite Lov- ing Behaviour. Char- acterized by extremely loving, kind and contrite behaviour. It's an unusual period of calm where the batterer feels sorry for previous stages. He truly believes he will never again hurt the woman. This behaviour often convinces the woman to stay in the relationship. There doesn't seem to be any distinct end to this phase. Most women report that before they know it, loving behav- iour gives way to batter- ing again. Why do women return to an abusive situation? Most leave with no job, no money, no home, but still have the respon- sibility of caring for the children. Most have been house- wives, therefore they lose their occupation and sense of identity when they leave home. They hare faced with the prospect of being a single parent and head of a household when self-confidence is low. They often have to go on . welfare which in most cases is a drastic change of lifestyle. In- ability to overcome feel- ings of fear and help- lessness and a view that the husband is all- powerful and will "Get her' eventually. FRUSTRATION Frustration arises. from not being able to find suitable affordable housing, and promises from the husband that he will try to change make it easy for her to go home again. Going home also gives her husband a second chance after proving that she does have a way out of the situation, and pressure from children to return to their father or the material comforts of their home is more then enough reason to send her back to an abusive situation. "So it's a fairly bleak situation," Ms: Killin said. ALCOHOL Although alcohol is often involved with battering, it isn't the reason, merely a license for violence. And for some reason, abuse escalates during preg- nancy. If a husband's father was a wife abuser, chances are the husband will abuse too. As will his son. Wife abuse is a learned behaviour and there is a high probability that little boys will grow up hitting their wives if that's what their dads do. "As well," Ms. Killin points out, "girls can become victims in their relationship and abused women as adults." Under the law, women have the power to fight back against abusing husbands, but as lawyer Barry Evans explains, most battered wives don't follow through to protect themselves. Physical cruelty is grounds for divorce without a three year separation period. Court orders are available to ensure separated husbands don't harass their wives. And under the Criminal Code, battering husbands can be charged the same way any other criminal can. "But it's not so much Wife abuse more common than public thinks | what the law says but how it's enforced that is important,'"' he said. "The practise of police is to wait a few days to lay charges in order to give the woman a chance to think about it." Police do that, he explains, because more often than not, women will drop the charges once the husband begins Phase Three in the Cycle Theory of Violence, or in other words, once he shows remorse for what he has done. The waiting time also gives the woman's ~ mental wounds a chance to heal. MENTAL PAIN "I think, just as a human factor, that we tend to forget pain the farther we get from it," he said. Lately though, government agencies have been directing Crown Attorneys not to drop the charges, in spite of the woman's frame of mind when her husband comes to trial. The choice has been taken from the woman and put in the hands of those who prosecute the laws. Which means more husbands will be pros- ecuted for their crimes. For more information about abuse, call Pro- ject Auberge at 728-7311, the Scugog Crisis Centre at 579-8006, the Yellow Brick House at 727-8591 or a local family counsellor. ALAN J. RISEN :....s LAW OFFICES OF RISEN, ESPEY & FARQUHARSON LORD SIMCOE PLACE Suite 1C- 57 Simcoe St. S., P.O. Box 278 OSHAWA, L1H 70L3-571-3942 (After Hours: 985-9012) - NOTICE - Township of Scugog SNOW REMOVAL Any vehicle parked on Township of Scugog roads or streets that interferes with snow removal, will be towed away at owner's expense. (SEE SECTION 4, SUBSECTION 3-D, BY-LAW No. 25-79, TOWNSHIP OF SCUGOG) R.C. MacDonald, Roads Superintendent, Township of Scugog. ami n . TE i AER Ny ng te CERT pou "