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FROM SON TOM TO HIS FATHER XVII, Hotel Egraph, Indianapolis, Ky. Dear Dad: Well, prepare for 4 shock, as the warden confidentially whispefed to the condemned con viet on the way to the chalr, pater. T have go many things to put in this letter that I will probably have to Jsend it by freight. So if you don"t receive it, why, you might inquire at the railroad station for it. Don't forget to bring it with you to proye that I sent it. Shock number one, father, is that I am no longer an inmate of Hoo- rah College. 1 escaped last week with the full consent and warm, even enthusiastic, approval of the faculty. In fact, Dad, they--eh -- suggested it. I was sorry to leave in a way, particularly in a way such '| as I took my departure, but it shows what they think of me when they held special commencement exercis- es forme alone, during which I was formally presented with the Royal Raspberry and given the degree of G.0.0.F.Y. This is about five hun- dred degrees above Zero, pater, and next to Imperial Kleagle, it ia the highest degree ever bestowed on & human being. Only three men in history. have held higher degrees, and 'they are named Percy Q. Ther- mometer, Ignatius F. Centigrade | The Rubyiat Of a College Man BY H. C. WITWER bad inside of a month the breath-taking twins had 186 fraternity pins, 50 class rings, 76 engagement rings, 2,- 499 letters and 36 autographed di plomas, The co-eds were on the verge of suicide until your clever son broke up the combination ' by marrying one of the Heavenly Twins. : o When I first met Bthyl, dad, I had no more idea that. she would win me for a husband than you have of being mistaken for Cal. Coulidge. Being young, handsome and of an arresting presence, I have naturally had the five or six hundred thousand affairs that every student is sup- posed to have at a co-educational college, but, like measles, none of them were serious. But with Ethyl it was all d@ifferent. Father, I haunted Ptomaine Joe's and ate ham and eggs served by Ethyl's fair hands until the sight of a pig or a chicken (of the cooking variety) gives me convulsions! Don't think for a second, pater, that simply because. Bthyl was a waitress that she is of poor family connections, social or otherwise. Her father, Wood Elkahall, became fa- mous over night with his book on the care of hem's teeth, and her brother, Grane Blkahall, has been cheer-leader for "a cofrespondence gghool for the last sixty-four years. S0 you see, she means something. HR "Well, prepare for a shock," Bosco Fahrenheit, respectively. I wag heard to remark before, sorry to leave Hoorah not near as sorry as see me go. The cheer- awakened people in given a send- like the Csar e i gid fied gEE-cifsls "aged Ts EEgEEicl css : g2F E85 i 8 ReB ART Macewa as the warden whispered. Joe Heehaw had the inside trick for awhile, dad, becausd his father is a well-to-do millionaire, but when Ethyl heard that my father rah a New York City garage, why, she dis- missed Joe Heehaw as a piker! But I will' stop these ramblings, pere, and get to the events leading up to my marriage to Ethyl Elks 'hall, and also my dismiss--eh--my sudden graduation from Hoorah College when my sentence still had W {three years to run. Well, the other night Joe Heeha who became strongly attsched . | Methyl when Ethyl threw him over fn my favor, suggested that we take the girls for a ride in his 3ily Six. The girls were nothing loath, dad, and 1 was nothing lokth, so about eight o'clock of a beautiful, moonlit evening we climbed Jaboard Jo#'s long, low and rakish sportstér, stepped on the gas and slid out into the open country. We had put somewhere between 30 and 150 miles behind us when the car sud- denly came to a stop. The girls each alléwed a beantifully modaldt- ed shriek to escape them, as the place we stopped at Was a bit oft | oy Lift Off-No Pain! Doesi't hurt one bit! Drop a little "Freezone". on an aching corn, in- stantly that corn stops hurting, then shortly you lift it right off with fing- ers. Your druggist sells a tiny bottle of "Freezone" for a few cents, sufficient to remove every hard corn, soft corn, or corn' between the toes, and the foot calluses, without soreness or ir- ritation. long ago, and you oaR>usderstind perhaps the effect of the moonlight and the woods upon two young and beautiful nymphs like Ethyl and Metliyl .and the two young and love- sick fauns like mé snd Joe. We talk- ed about this aid we talked about that and whispered sweet nothings into 'edich other's ears, and a milk wagon coniing along the road at 4 a.m. wag the first thing to apprise us_that the evening had indeed fled. Well, father, we were now in a serious predicamént and no mis. take. In the first place, we cannot get into our dormitories after 10 p.m., and in the second place, both the girls lodge at Ptomaine Joe's, and he watches them like a hawk, which, by the way, is what he re- sembles. Wildly infatuc'ed with eh---both of the beautiful twins, he has threatened them more than once for going out with us. Here we are, endless miles fram town and the auto as dead as Columbus! What to do? 'What to do? "Well, Joe," sald Methyl to Joe echaw, "take those gpark-plugs olit of your pocket, put them back on the motor, and we'll go away from here!" "What!" cried Ethyl. "Is that why the car wouldnt start?" "Certainly," smiled her charming sister. "I saw him take the spark- plugs off the engine when we stop- ped that time. Sheepishly Joe replaced the plugs, dad, and in about halt an hour we rumble dp outside Ptomaine Joe's restaurant, It is nearly six in the morning, and, like the night before Christmas, "not a creature rifig, not even & mouse." Then, the that neither of them . "806 8s not to disturb their employer, by ringing the dell, pater, I wag endeavoring to break the door down when it was sudden- ly flung open and Ptomstne Joe stood before us, his face contorted with rage, jealousy and St. Vitus dance, with which he is afflicted. With an oath that would have made a longshoreman cry "Shame!" padré, Ptomaine Joe begain reviling the girls for staying out all night with what he sacrilegiously referred to as 'a couple of them llege dumbells!" This wag too much, for my overwrought nerves! I decided to protect Ethyl's fair name and al- so demgnstrate with one stroke the fast that a college boy can be as rough and tough as the next one when forced to be by circumstances. "pon't you dare speak that way to my wife!" I said easily, and Beauty stirs | THE DAILY BRITISH WHIG knocked him flat with a well-timed punch on the nose. : Joe Heehaw them reached down and dragged the unhappy restan- ranteur to his feet, Ptomaine Joe was in a state Dest described as "goofy," . father, and he gased around wildly, seemingly mot know- ing what it was all about. Joe Hee- haw shook him. "You know the way yom just spoke to that other boy's wife?" he asked coldly. Ptomaine Joe nodded dizsily. "Well, sir," said Joe Heeha® cour- teously, "don't you dare speak that way to my wife, either!" And, dad, he stretched Ptomaine Joe out on the ground again with a Dhehutiful left hook. The next day, pater, Ptomaine Joe had to go and blab to the fac- ulty, and that's how I came to gra- duate from Hoorah College while still a' Freshman. > ' Oh, yes--I1 forgot about "me be. ing married. You remember in the first part of this letter, dad, I wrote that one night Joe Hephaw suggest- ed we take the girls for. an aut You should buy your . Furs at Gourdier's. Quality Distincti Value Gourdier's Brock Street ' 3 bile ride? Well, we had just besa married--the four of ug--when Jo- seph made that suggestion. A bit romantic and that sort of thing, what? Your affectionate son, TOM. P. 8.--~The beastly landlord has just rapped on the door of our love- nest, father, and informed me that it 1 don't pay my bill by the end of the week he will have me arrested. |i The bill is $387.50. If you send the $387.00; pater, I am sure I can raise the fifty cents on Ethyl's en. gagement ring. TOM. ~~ FROM FATHER TO HIS SON TOM XVIH. The Elite & Repair Shop. 3652 Eighth Avenue Dear Tom: When I first read your letter it took four men to hold me, and it's a good-thing I can't throw a gledge-hammer from here to In- dianapolis, or you wouldst of pass. ed sway from concussion of the dome five minutes after I open the envelope. I "am sendin' you five hundred fish. Pay the hotel bill, pack your cigarette case, and come back here as soon as immediately. It they's no way out of it, bring voir child-bride with you. I guesy you wasn't cut out to be neo college | man, or anything else, either, but maybe you are simple enough to run this garage and gimme chance to get a slight vacation. As for the matrimonial escapade, we'll see about that part of it. Like as not, I can it cancelled on the grounds that you was cuckoo when you dome it. I don't even need a lawyer. I can prove to amy jury in the world that you are crasy simply showin' them your letters! Your father, , 3 PATRICK FRANCIS CULLEN. EFFICIENT HOUSEKEEPING By Laura A. Kirkman. TOMORROW'S MENU Breakfast Btewed Dried Peaches Cereal Fried Bggs and Bacon Toast Coffee : Dinner Celery Leg of Lamb Potatoes Roasted in Pan Peas Lettuce, Russian Dressing Steamed Cranbérry Pudding Hard Sauce Coffee ' Supper Welsh Rarebit Jam Sandwiches Cake Tea A Hand Bag. "R. BE. H." hes requested direc tions for. crocheting a handbag but omitted to state whether she wished it in more or less of &n open pat- tern, and what- approximate dimen- sions she had in mind. faye: "1 with the 80 : word is stead of the letters." I believe, how- aver, she will like the following: i ti Kingston Music Studios | | "PHONE 207. 258 KING STREET Mr. H. Packer, ATOM. .. Miss D, Johnson, AT.CM. | Mr, H. Hill Modern methods. Special: free advantages to pupils. Pupils prepared for examination. , Rates on YOU BUY WHEN! Piano appeals to the most ascethetic taste. The excéptional tone quality in the Weber HEAR FOR YOURSELF Al C.W. LINDSAY'S Warerooms, Princess Street iE AND BE CONVINCED. CHRIST Trees and Ferns of all kinds. Telephone 770. Holly Wreaths, Mistletoe, Holly by the bunch. ' Wedding Bouquets and designing. Kingston's Leading Florist Corner of Brock and Wellington Streets WY AS PLANTS Cholos selection to pick from----Asles, Cyclamen, Cherty All 'seasonable Cut Flowers, i H. STONE, Manager, J Electric Percolators, wn We Nave just a few left at this price. Toasters, apright and fiat, at the lowest prices-- : $2.00 to $650 _ ELEOTRIC IRONS; best qualiéy and guaranteed. Priced Boudoir and Table Lamps 10% Off OUR SPECIALLY REDUCED PRICES. 3 These are sll SPECIAL OFFERS for the LAST THREE DAYS! H. W. 167 PRINCESS rr i moud Tr.) three times, then make tour Tr. in for Tr. chain three, and turn. . > Row Two: Tr. in each of wext three Tr,. (four Tr. in repeats), two H. S. st., single stitch each side of the single stitch between two H. 8. st. of previous row, twe H. 8. st. two single stitches as before, two H. 8. st., four Tr. over four Tr, chain three, Now simply repeat thess two rows 411 you have 31 rows with H. 8. st. sew them together, ke a ctochet two handles of Tr. these draw-strings through ivory rings attached to top of bag. - . Ibe All Inquiries adaressed to Mim Kirkman in care of the "Eiticient Housekeeping" -will be department answered in these columns fn their | uiris ccasideruble time, however, owing to the great : . 80 if a personal 0) Newman Electric Co. STRENT Sr PHONE 441 ---------------------------------------- NO TABLES FOR BEDS on fii! ¥ i