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| cave it to the advertisers to lend some semblance of reality. On the pack page is an ad for a miniâ€"van featuring several filthy, petulant preschoolers scowling for the camera, their pudgy hands grasping a soccer hall. the slhime dripping from their collective foreheads like primordial ooze Martha swectheart, welcome to your market. Oh, that you were that soccer ball and 1 could find my shoes. This month it‘s Curry scented pancakes, Muâ€"shu pork with warm plum sauce and Mandarin fruit sundaes. In a twinkle, a tasty livle supper for four is at your fingertips made from such basic kitchen staples as halsamic vinegar, coconutâ€"scented rum, dark sesame oil and shntake mushroom caps. Piece of cake W hat planet is she living on? Her demographic is huge. Her empire is everâ€"expanding. All across North Amenica legions of bobbedâ€"haired suburbanites, armed with glue guns. are ready to do her bidding. 1 find it all a little frightening. In the same issue there is an eightâ€"page spread on personalising your own stationary, "the last totem of civility in an anachronistic world" Also a feature on how to make a nifty fixture from a tumâ€" blewced. Turn that sucker upside down, throw some white Christmas lights underneath and Viola! Martha chic. I can just see all those Gapâ€"clad Martha wannabes hiking down those dusty ravines in search of the perfect clump of dead shrubbery. In a hurry with your fastâ€"paced lifestyle? Martha provides us with handy pullâ€"out recipe cards and a foolâ€"proof preparation schedule so that any maladjusted obsessiveâ€"compulsive can prepare this months simple menu ~ negativeâ€"nutrients that microwaved entries can deliver, served while the dog slunk out of the house to eat the lew brave little blossoms that had appeared on the $12 magnolia | planted last spring. Pontificating monthly on what she terms the ‘subject of living‘, ing all who will listen that graceful living is simply a matter of organâ€" isation. I find this far more offensive than the deformed plastic boyâ€" toys in Playboy. At least they are overt about their dysfunction, Marthas‘ is so much more subtle â€" and unrealisitic. Let me give you an example. In her calendar for May, Martha informs us that the first Monday of the month she had her pooled cleaned, Tuesday she had her selfâ€" l & | |â€" l planted fruit trees sprayed, Wednesday He goes out for milk and returns with her. The spinner of the fairyâ€" tale. The Sueâ€"Ann Nivens of the ‘90s. Wearing a satisfied smile, his palms moist, he eagerly grasps the magazine that bears her name and sports her perky visage. She preys upon his longing for a homeâ€"cooked meal. She is the ultimate other She is Martha Stewart. As far as I am concerned she represents the Fax No. _, 8869383 . , Waterloo Town Square 75 King St. South, Suite 201 ~___ Waterloo, Ontario N2J IP2 Ha dnb otveceianin y Oe nightmare of soccer games, dance recitals and mustâ€"attend meetings all scheduled for the same nights. Dinners that week contained all the leeks and shallots and on Saturday, she capped off the week by raking and feeding her lawns. Thursday she gave a lecture in She is evil My week consisted of the logistical Maureen McNab Tim Gardner Pete Cudhea (Sports Editor) Bill Karges Millie Martin Let the record show that 1 believe in the hereafter. What 1 sometimes find hard to believe in is the here and now Without a Prayer: Its a pity theres yet another move to return religion to public school classrooms. It hasn‘t a prayer in the face of the Charter of Rights. All it means is that a lot of earnest people will be disappointed. Council thundered that it would withdraw LIGI’"AY Justice was once swift, fair and certain. Now support from United Way agencies that parâ€" it is none of the three. Court cases drag on, ticipate in the program sometimes because of clogged cours, somj That‘s a hollow ultimatum because union _ times as a strategy. The penalties, if any, att members are the same kind of giving citizen as We . 4 mostly a joke. T everyone else. They are not the meetâ€"youâ€"atâ€" > t i Gosh, I can recall the process when it was dik theâ€"barricades miltants who attend meetings C C ferent. Take the bank robbery in Linwood. The, and make threats. $A k | two bandits were nabbed about midâ€"afternoon As proven in election after electiort, the labor "f%‘ } in a field off the Kitchenerâ€"Guelph highway. _ bosses can‘t deliver their members. They vote â€" > «i The next morning at 10 they pleaded guilty i0 and they give to United Way â€" just like you armed robbery and Magistrate Polson sentenced and me. Thank heavens. Sandy Baird them to something like 12 years. By noon they And, say, I could do without the objections were on their way to Kingston. of social workers and sundry other cookieâ€"pushers. Among _ True, we can‘t duplicate that speed, but we can unclog th¢) other things, they speak tearfully of the humiliation of workâ€" _ courts. We can appoint enough judges and have them do a rt@. fare participants. sonable amount of work. And other things can help make jus Pray tell, is there anything more humiliating than to take _ tife again swift, fair and certain. money for doing nothing? Granted, a lot of today‘s folk are less That‘s a far cry from what the attorneyâ€"general is proposing. | than enthusiastic about work. They think it‘s OK if it doesn‘t _ That makes it sound like we‘re on our way to something bor take up too much of their spare time. rowed from supermarkets;, Express Courts â€" for crooks Without a Prayer: Its a pity theres yet another move to _ 10 crimes or fewer. ol Pray tell, is there anything more humiliating than to take money for doing nothing? Granted, a lot of today‘s folk are less than enthusiastic about work. They think it‘s OK if it doesn‘t take up too much of their spare time. That‘s a hollow ultimatum because union members are the same kind of giving citizen as everyone else. They are not the meetâ€"youâ€"atâ€" theâ€"barricades miktants who attend meetings and make threats. labor‘s bluff and voted overwhelmingly to join the province‘s workfare plan. What a sick threat labor‘s sawdust Caesars had made! The Waterloo Region Labor Council thundered that it would withdraw support from United Way agencies that parâ€" ticipate in the program. 1 see that Coun. Mike Wagner (who else?) is determined to press ahead to make the old jail and governor‘s house into a wonder of the world or some such. Oh? The buildings were messes before they were shut and they haven‘t improved since. As a matter of fact, the other day the termites were out on the parking lot betting on which way the buildings would fall. Labor‘s United Way threat is empt High Octane: The feds are going to investigate the soaring 413 Sharon Walter Jerry Fischer Circulation Circulation Manager Andrew Pearen Rick Campbell J The Waterloo Chronicle is 75 King St. S., Suite . . w â€" 1 J Sandy Baird The views of our columnists are their own and do not necessarily "P“”; the views of the newspaper. im < Waterloo Chronicle ONCE oveR LIGHTY And coming next is Father‘s Day. It‘s a lot like Mother‘s except that you can get by with a cheaper gift Under the $; So, OK, let‘s have no more laughier Mother‘s Day gifts. Not when one mom turned up at Fo variety store on Lancaster Street with a Mother‘s Day ticket worth a cool $5,000. r The Fairway Group Subscription rates 240 Holiday Inn Dr., Unit F :$45 yearly in Canada. Cambridge, On. $90 yearly outside Canada. N3C 3X4 +GS1I price of gasoline. I wish them well, but if the past is any the result will be zilch. : Besides the price, there‘s another bad thing about gasoline: selfâ€"service. It‘s always so bad. @ Fullâ€"Court Press: 1f Attorney General Charles Harnick been floating a trial balloon on streamlined court proc let‘s hope its punctured by now. $ The proposal aims at fewer trials, but it appears to offer an is published every Wednesday by even softer touch for criminals. For example, serious crime involving violence would be taken to court only if there‘s a "reasonable prospect" of 1 do not feel that of business to dete guidelines should be lish, monitor and 1 ing bylaws. A regic towards a 100 per ness by the year 7 Waterloo Region is in ALL places of bi cent smokingâ€"free e The bylaw under c« far and in my opinic sake of business. 1 also feel that it unfounded fears of address the health : seems to be the Health and scale. To the exten "wickle down" to the tax dollars say the top 10 per ce ing to the Tories‘ able evidence su members of our s their money in C key element of 1 725,000 jobs, eve now predicts that ared. Clearly, the ariammm‘"n a splendid bit of so that you cou yoursell to exam the move. to be an that to earn our just for doing so. more than a that keeps a for keeping their LETT E by 30 per cent low through on (albeit with a ; have long said There are two It‘s a measure at the