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Wednesday, December 29, 1999 THE OAKVILLE BEAVER A7 COMMENT WHAT THEY REALLY WANT Limited Time Only ^ I K l' U * most amount of sand caught between the greatest number of toes. Partiers will gather on the far east coast of Newfoundland to be the first in North America to greet the new millennium but because of the "half-hour earlier in Newfoundland rule," many will arrive late. In what might be the strangest way to celebrate this new year, on Robben Island in South Africa, Nelson Mandela will go back to jail. Honest. Barbara Streisand will sing for 13,000 highrollers at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas at $2,500 a ticket. At $32.5-million a show, they gotta lift the two drink minimum. Right? And, in the heart o f the Amazon jungle, 20,000 surviv ing members of the Yanomomi tribe will celebrate the new mil lennium by going to bed. They do not believe in or use calen dars. So, it's torches out at 10 and hang up the loin clothes until the next millennium morn ing. Oh sure, they might put a poison dart in some lout with a transistor radio who starts singing Auld Lang Syne at mid night, but that's about i t I'm definitely with the Yanomomi on this one. The massive global hype over digital clocks turning up three zeroes in a row and the garish galas that were supposed to accompany this otherwise unspectacular numerical sequence has left the spirit of this New Year's Eve flatter than a profile photo of Ally McBeal. Like the Yanomomi, I'm tuckin' in early this eve. Late afternoon, I'll probably go out and spear a wild boar and have a couple of hits of fermented bark dew but after that, it's listening to Cat Stevens and wishing with all my might it was 1978. Oso Ana Jijjilia which is Happy new Year in Yanomomi. And you can say it anytime. They do. I told you before -- they got no calendars, eh? New Year's Eve all over the world Unlimited Evening & Weekend Calling M idnight madness, 12:00, Dec. 31st, 1999. Just days away and I couldn't be more excited. Think C of it: Commercial airlines land ing on the street in front o f your house. 40 M essiah imperson ators performing The Second Coming in Jerusalem. The End of the M illennium Chinese N uclear Fireworks Display. A big mushroom cloud visible over India whose 22 atomic power plants are being operated by Ryan, a 12-year-old hacker from New Jersey. A phone call from a guy with a Russian accent thanking you for your life's savings. Your household appli ances making beeping noises and slowly staring to surround you. People w ithout heat, water, and electricity heading for the hills only to find the hills are alive with the m usic of Celine Dion. The pyramids will crum ble, the Eiffel Tower will top ple, the Golden Gate Bridge will collapse, the QEII will sink, the Concorde will stall and make an em ergency landing at the London Zoo, where animals will autom atically begin to board it, in pairs. And though Arm ageddon may come as early as 12:03 this New Year's Eve, there's one thing you can count on: Dick Clark will look as perfectly pre served as the Christmas fruit cake you got in yesterday's mail. Here, in Canada, the land of vast deposits of irony, our feder al cabinet will be in their Y2K war room in Ottawa on full alert on New Year's Eve. These are people who get more days off than the unemployed, but come the biggest part of the last 1000 years and they're working. And, of course, having been scared sober by all the dooms day scenarios, none of the Y2K disasters will happen. W hy? WILLIAM THOMAS AD The World's A Circus * 1 5 0 Weekday & Weeknight minutes * Message Centre Express Free for 12 months · Three Way Calling · Call Waiting & (all forwarding included Local Night colling It per Minute Local Day colling 35t per m inute Because experts predicted they would. The only Y2K glitch will be your inability to program your VCR. Which is fine for guys, we never learned how to work that thing in the first place. Strange times, I suppose, deserve a strange but grand farewell. In Malaysia, the gov ernment is flying 23 skydivers to jum p out over the South Pole at midnight New Year"s Eve. Nobody knows why. My guess is that it's 23 politically dissident skydivers and the government's packing their chutes. Cruise ships will cross the international date line at mid night and double back again to celebrate the millennium twice. Traffic cops will be hired to con trol the midnight buffet. A heavy-breathing band of climbers will camp at the 3,900metre level of Mount Everest and celebrate with local Sherpa guides. Yeah, that's my idea of a good time -- drinking heavily in thin air and then Cossack dancing with guys named Gandak and Krirg. Queen Elizabeth will light a laser beacon then boat down the Tham es to officially open Britain's millennium landmark dom e project, a two-million square metre mushy pea. Australians will blow $35million worth of fireworks off Sydney's Harbour Bridge. At Tim es Square, New Yorkers will drop the new W aterford crystal ball, many hoping Regis Philbin is under it. Parisians will set 24 giant Ferris wheels in motion giving the final millennium finger to Euro Disney. Two-million Brazilians dressed in white will dance on Copacabana Beach setting a Guinness World record for the The Perfect Prepaid Phone Gift Boxing Day Special Sony D ig ita l PCS ONLY $39 with Every New Real Time Package Save an additional $35 on all new activations until Dec. 31/99 C rrea t q Great Value Solo is a trademark of Nortel Networks. *BeU Mobility is a Trademark of Bel Canada, used under licence. See store for details. Some condftons apply AirCell Communications Inc. 481 North Service Road West (East of 4th Line), Oakville H ours: M o n d a y to F rid ay 9 :0 0 a .m .-7 :0 0 p m , S a tu rd a y 9 :3 0 a .m .-5 :0 0 p . 905- 847-5700 9 han/w (m /m/le... Larry Armatage and the staff at "Family Golf - Oakville" have some special thanks to hand out:`T o the golfers and the volunteers of the pro grams 'Golf For The Physically Challenged', and 'Golf For Special Olympians' - thank you, we couldn't have done it without you ... to Hidden Lake Golf Club, who opened their doors and greens to our phys ically challenged golfers and their wheelchairs - thank you ... to the RCGA, for their wonderful support hosting our physically challenged at the Canadian Open each year - thank you ... and finally to our customers, who all year were faced with a couple o f bulldozers constantly running, and many more trucks, and bare ground and tom up grass, a special thank you for your patience and confidence that the 'Ground Under Repair' would lead to a better practice facility. We've kept our promise." ^y U fe re e ia te c l Selected "Top 100 Ranges in America" 1997,1998 and 1999 "Family Golf - Oakville" received good news in the second week of December ... there is a Golf Range Association in New York City that finds and rates the best practice facilities. For the third straight year, "Family Golf - Oakville" was selected as one of the `TO P 100 RANGES IN AMERICA". ... the criteria is based on design, excellence, community outreach, commitment to teaching and training and high standards o f management. Canada's Most Complete Teaching and Practice Facility "Family Golf - Oakville" has added several major improvements to its golf learning centre that should please local golfers. Just completed is the carpeting o f the main part o f the range - some 18,000 square yards - with astro-turf type carpeting. It features contours and berms just like those found on a top-notch golf course, with 15 shaped target greens, carefully shaped bunkers, about one acre o f blue water, and the rest, a darker green for the fairway. All o f the greens will have a differ ent coloured flag, and exact laser-measured distances will be posted at all tees, so that golfers can find out exactly how far they hit their vari ous clubs, and also on windy days, will leam how much wind affects those distances. A stunning upgrade for the new Millennium "All these shots are scored on the scorecard, and we've laid it out so that you hit about the same proportion of full shots, finesse shots, and putts that you would during an actual round of g o lf', says John Cochrane. "When I played on the Canadian Tour, the most effec tive practice by far was when we tried to duplicate the shots actually found on the course, and measured our results. It always made it more interesting when we had little competi tions going, often with a little something riding on who won and lost." SHOOTOUT ... It is a fun way to improve, and to do a complete, effective practice routine. The Centre also added 16 additional grass tee positions ..."That frees up the complete south tee for our Members," says Director of Golf, John Cochrane. Family Golf didn't want to leave the kids out, so they have reconstructed a short 4-hole golf course, so that the kids have a chance to play on real golf holes. They will have tees, bunkers, trees, bent-grass greens, and ponds just like those found on a golf course. The final thing that "Family Golf - Oakville" has been working on is a practice game called "SHOOTOUT', a highly effective way of making practice - and game improvement - fun. / / F a m ily G o lf - O a k v ille " Family G olf offers practice and instruction all winter long, with its 40 covered, heated tees, where you stay out o f the cold and wind, but you hit out to the full outdoor range. It' s open daily 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. 1 5 1 6 North Service Rd. at Upper Middle or call (9 0 5 ) 8 4 2 -6 1 2 0 or log on at W W W . f a m i l y g o l f o a k v i l l e . c o m