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fRE - Orono Weekly Times, Wednesday, April 30,2003 - 7 Basic Black by Arthur Black Some good news for a change What this world needs is a really good five cent-cigar. An otherwise forgettable American politician by the name of Thomas Riley Marshall divested himself of that opinion while presiding over the U.S. Senate about a century ago. Thomas Riley Marshall was wrong. If there's one thing this tormented, overburdened overburdened and stress-jangled planet planet does not need right now, it's a cheap smoke. Aside from stinking up the joint, cigars are carcinogenic, aiirpolluting and a sure-fire way to ugly up your image. Don't cigar smokers realize how much they look like Ed the Sock? No, what the world really needs right now is some good news. News that doesn't include details of government flip-flopping, troop deployments, deployments, skyrocketing gas prices and nose-diving stock markets. And I've found some. Tiny, perfect, good-news stories stories tucked in amongst stark datelines like Basra and Baghdad; in between stories of carpet bombings and rogue viruses. Such as? Well, such as the heart-warming story of Bird, a cockatoo who used to roost in a cage in Dallas, Texas. Used to, because, alas, Bird is no more. He went to his fate protecting his master, Kevin Butler, from a murderer. Well - a cockatoo? It was no contest. After killing the bird's owner, the murderer gave the courageous cockatoo a lethal swat and Bird fluttered fluttered earthward to his reward. But not before flying in the face of the murderer and giv ing him a valiant peck upside the head. The killer wiped the blood from his temple then turned off a light switch in the house, leaving a smear of his DNA for the police. The cops picked up the murderer. And gave Bird a hero's funeral. Speaking of heroes, let's have a 21-gun salute for Matthew Thompson. He's one of a legion of faceless civil servants toiling in the nether reaches of the Department of Work and Pensions in Manchester, England. Faceless...but also, gloriously, gloriously, tieless. Matthew and all his colleagues got a directive directive last year dictating that he and all other male employees must henceforth wear neckties neckties while on* the job. Matthew looked around and saw his distaff colleagues togged out in sweaters, blouses, blouses, tank tops and T shirts and said to himself "What the, hey?" He sued his own boss, (the UK government) claiming claiming sexual discrimination - and won. The new dress code was dropped and guys don't have to wear ties to the office anymore. Matthew Thompson may call it a victory against of sex. discrimination. I call it a stiinning blow against one of the most ridiculous affectations affectations of male fashion since spats. Ties are twice as offensive as George Bush - they're stupid stupid AND useless. And a good-news story out of Italy, where the courts last week granted a woman a divorce on the grounds of...an interfering mother-in- law. "My husband was his mother's slave" she told the court. "He would hang on her every word while she criticized criticized everything about me, my makeup, my diet, the way I was bringing up my daughter." daughter." Cheering information for those of us (not me, I swear) who have known the burden of a mischievous mother in law, but not so good for the now-wifeless husband. He's gone back home to mama. And from our Why-Do- You-Think-They-Call-It- Dope Department, this little bulletin out of Fulton, Kentucky where police, investigating a complaint about air pollution, arrived at William Hainline's home to discover a sizeable mound of marijuana smoldering on his backyard barbecue. It gets weirder. The police also discovered a huge fan chundering away on the other side of Mister Hainline's bungalow. bungalow. Windows on both sides were open and the fan was sucking the smoke from the burning marijuana right through Hainline's house. As police chief Terry Powell so succinctly put it: "the suspect had, in effect, turned the house into a very large marijuana marijuana bong". Mister Hainline explained that , he was merely having a 52nd birthday party. Don't get me wrong - I'm not condoning Mister Hainline and his pot escapade. As a matter of fact, I feel very strongly about grass. I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs. Like, for instance, Mounties. For additional information please call 905-623-3379 Nominate a beautiful front garden, nominate your own residence, your friends, your neighours, or a local business. Use the form below and get your nomination in by Friday. June 13. 2003 before 5:00 PM. r J Please note: Only front gardens that are visible from the roadside/curb will be judged. How to Enter Fill out the entry form and mail, email, drop-off or fax to: 2003 Apple Blossom Awards Communications & Tourism 40 Temperance Street Bowmanville, ON L1C 3A6 www.municipality.clarington.on.ca (online form) fax: 905-623-0584 I nominate: Address: Town: Postal Code: Owner (if known): Category (please check one) Residential [ ] Business [ ] Please identify if this garden is professionally landscaped. YES [ ] NO [ ] Nominated by: Telephone: 905 Forms may be copied for additional nominations Celebrate Spring at Bowmanville Museum 37 Silver Street Join us for our SPRING SPREE OPEN HOUSE and enjoy a taste of the fine wines of the Durham Region ^ A local winery will be offering a taste of their wines Exhibit opening of the Earl Pascoe Clock Collection featuring over 80 unique timepieces from all over the world Friday, May 2, 2003 7:00 - 9:00 PM Free Admission For more information call 905-623-9243 0 fgjgigjgjgMgigMBMgigMgjBMgjgjBiBiBJgfBJBiBigjgMBiBMBJBMgMBjgMgigjgMgjgjgjgMgjgfgMBJBjgMgjBigjgjgj b le» SB.^ n't ~ Orono Country Cefie «*» & K Full Menu 4 Main Street., Orono, Ontario • 983-9009 9$ Orono Tennis Club «■■mi; m REGISTRATION PATES: Tuesday, May 6, 5pm - 7pm Wednesday, May 7, 5pm -7pm PLACES Orono Park Courts *Membership includes Lessons, Social & Match Play New Members Welcome Adults $35 Family $55 Students $20 George Cecil 905-786-1065 905-983-5526 Advantage #2 Mortgages • all rates subject to cltango without notice Great rates plus free Bonus Shares DUCA Financial Services ...your Credit, Union! 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