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Orono Weekly Times Wednesday, June 30, 2004 Basic Black by Arthur Black CANADA: Guilty as charged Should we blame the government? government? Should we blame society? Should we blame the images on TV? No! Blame Canada! Blame Canada! We Canadians are a sorry lot - and I don't mean sorry as in 'bedraggled'. I mean sorry as in apologetic. We constantly constantly inform the rest of the world how remorseful we are. As a matter of fact, the classic definition definition of a Canadian is a person person who tells you he's sorry when YOU step on HIS toes. But it's small wonder we keep bowing and scraping, doffing our caps and tugging our forelocks to the rest of the world. After all, we do keep getting blamed for things. The Brits tut tut because we talk like Americans; the Yanks are on our case for the bad weather weather we send them. The French rag on us for refusing to let little little Quebec come out and play; the Russians still haven't forgiven forgiven us for Paul Henderson's goal. And Denmark may never speak to us again, thanks to our foisting Chrétien bag- man Alfonso Gagliano on them as Canadian Ambassador. Ambassador. Witchfinder General John Ashcroft is convinced Canada is a festering cesspool of Osama Bin Laden agents; Scotland's shaking its fist at us because our Canada Geese are taking over their waterways. Portugal's in a huff because we won't let them take any more cod off the Grand Banks. Is there anybody we Canucks haven't ticked off? Not according - to the singing group Mothers Against Canada. The 'mothers' are cartoon characters on the potty-mouth TV show South Park. Their satirical song, 'Blame Canada' (see sample lyrics above) brought down the house at the Oscar Awards show a couple of years ago. But even the mothers of Carl, Cartman, Kenny and Stan couldn't trump the latest international charge to be laid at our mukluks. Now they're saying that Canada is responsible responsible for The Great Flood. You know the one - the forty days and nights of rain? Civilization wiped out with the exception of Noah and his floating zoo? Yeah, well we caused it, apparently. It worked like this: several millennia ago, there was no Regina, Winnipeg, Toronto or Montreal -- no Federal Liberal party, even. What there was, was a truly colossal lake that stretched from Saskatchewan all the way to the Laurentians in Quebec. Geologists call this long-vanished wonder Lake Agassiz. They say it was formed by glaciers melting after the last ice age. Lake Agassiz was so vast it actually contained thirty per cent more fresh water than is currently on the planet. And all that was holding it back from the rest of North America - indeed, the world -- was an ice wall. An ice wall that was melting melting along with the glaciers. About 6,000 B.C. there must have been one helluva Coud rumble because the ice wall collapsed and a wall of water cascaded across the landscape landscape towards Hudson Bay. How high a wall? Pretty high. Geologists estimate 160,000 cubic kilometers of water was displaced. That's equivalent to having 13 Lake Superiors dumped on your head at once. The result was a massive, world-wide tidal wave, followed followed by a precipitous rise in ocean levels everywhere - including the low-lying flood plain of the Sumerian basin, where Noah hung out. Pure myth and legend you say? Maybe, maybe not. For sure something big and damp happened happened 'way back when, and the Bible isn't the only book that tells us so. Most middle- eastern cultures contain similar similar accounts of a devastating, world-transforming, pre-his- torical deluge. Just who is laying the blame on Canada for unleashing unleashing the cataclysm -- some scientist scientist with a hate-on for the Great North West? Nope. The theory springs from the mind of a geologist by the name of James Teller. He's with the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg-- which would have been at the bottom of Lake Agassiz back in 6,000 BC. So there you have it, Canada, one more guilty burden burden to add to the bagful of boners we haul around as Canucks. We caused the Great Flood. What can we say to the rest of the world, but: Geez. Sorry about that, eh? Women in Abusive Relationships For help please call: "The Denise House" for Women & Children Toll Free 1-800-263-3725 or 905-728-7311 Confidentiality Assured tbe»* Uaun '> 4* mk itwW lijf mm 111 BE ,li! For Orders and Crop Conditions Call (905) 786-2153 Sikma's Orchard on Hwy 2, 5 km east of Newcastle Village Open 8 a.m. - 8 p.m. Monday ■ Saturday Closed on Sundays Debbie Jenkins of Mill Street was shocked to find the tomatoes tomatoes stored in her cupboard a week ago(till they ripened), had gone to seed. In fact--they'd sprouted! 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