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www.insideHALTON.com | OAKVILLE BEAVER | Thursday, April 14, 2016 | 14 M World will be smashed to smithereens, or not: Juniper That's Life Andy Juniper Guest Contributor onday morning and I was carrying the weight of the world. Too much to do, too little time, and even less ambition. In front of me, a week of work that couldn't be conquered in a month by a menagerie of Marvel superheroes. I created a to-do list: I was supposed to be putting the polish on part two of a three-part novel. Tousling with our taxes, or, at least, shufing the mountains of paper that needed to be sorted before the task could even begin. Catching up on months of backlogged book-keeping for our business -- ah, more imposing piles of paper. To boot, across the oor of the garage, dozens of intricate pieces of what I was told would be a bike rack that would t on our car's trailer hitch once assembled -- a job I'd long ago promised my wife I'd tackle. Not that this task was at all intimidating. The manual was only 77 pages of the most esoteric instructions imaginable, published in the most tiny type conceivable. Faced with this insurmountable work and unrealistic deadlines, I did what most anyone in my situation would do: I sat down at my laptop and mindlessly surfed the Internet for funny cat videos. Alas, at some point in my search, I came across an Earth-shattering story in the New York Post under a responsible, measured headline obviously created to incite calm: "Newly discovered planet could destroy Earth any day now." SEXUAL ASSAULT & VIOLENCE INTERVENTION SERVICES (SAVIS) OF HALTON · Free confidential counselling · Free 24-hour support line - call: 905.875.1555 905.825.3622 · Toll free: 877.268.8416 · www.savisofhalton.org Normally, I would have thought the news was bogus. But this was the Post, in a story appropriated from the British tabloid, The Sun -- two fabulous fonts of stand-up, stellar journalism -- informing me in no uncertain terms "a mysterious planet (called Planet Nine) that wiped out life on Earth millions of years ago could do it again." All this, according to a `top space scientist.' And who am I to question a `top space scientist'? I'm nobody, that's who. Further, this "apocalyptic event could happen as early as this month." Wow, April really is the cruelest month. Double wow. I took a minute to compose myself -- I mean, the world as we know it, was soon to be made into a pancake, leaving us all as dust in the cosmic wind. Then I did what any sane, rationale human would do if facing the end of the world. I booked a golf game. From there, things just kind of snowballed. By the time my wife returned from work, I was in the midst of something I was calling Margarita Monday, I'd organized Tom Col- lins Tuesday, and planned an End Of The Planet Party to be held on Old Fashioned Friday through Sidecar Saturday, should I (and the planet) still be around. Oh, and I had a major bon re burning in the backyard. It was fueled by 200 pages of manuscript, a mountain of tax documents and bookkeeping notes, and that miserable manual for assembling a bike rack. Suf ce to say, I was dancing like there was no one watching. Singing like no one was listening. Living like no one was going to survive this planetary pancaking. In retrospect, it was probably good I was in the midst of Margarita Monday when my wife informed me the Post/Sun story had been debunked by a dozen different sources. Tuesday morning and I'm carrying the weight of a (still fully intact, not at all wafed) world. My head hurts. And I'm inexplicably missing a few very important papers. -- Andy Juniper can be contacted at ajjuniper@gmail.com, found on Facebook www.facebook.com, or followed on Twitter at www.twitter.com/thesportjesters. Follow Oakville Beaver staff on Twitter: @OakvilleBeaver, @NewsHooked, @DavidLea6, @JuliaLeReporter, @HerbGarbutt, @PostBeaverSport and @Halton_Photog ALL YOU CAN EAT Dine in for AllYou cAn eAt PoP UP Sale ChelSea ColleCtion Chelsea Sectional - $2969 Chelsea Loveseat / 2 Deep Seats - $2259 Limited Quantity Available Lunch or Dinner April 14 ­ 17 280 north Service road W. @ Dorval 7 DAYs A week Pick your style Pick your pieces Pick your fabric 1318 SPeeRS RoaD 905-847-8551 oaKVillehoMeleiSURe.Ca www.august8.ca 905-338-6228