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www.insideHALTON.com | OAKVILLE BEAVER | Thursday, December 4, 2014 | 18 S omeone is living in our basement -- of that I am certain. And I am not referring to a freeloading friend or mooching relative; although, we do on occasion get those types overstaying their welcome in the guest bedroom downstairs. Nor am I referring to the assorted wildlife living the high life down there. No, I'm referring to a subterranean squatter. That is, a secret, unlawful tenant. In our basement. I called a family meeting to advise everyone about the situation and I spoke softly to ensure that the someone living in our basement could not overhear me. I tabled ample evidence to substantiate my The mystery basement dweller that is causing a craze claim -- granted, a substantial amount of it could possibly be classi ed as circumstantial, if one were to get all picky. And when I nished, there was stunned silence in the room, so effectively had I presented my case. Finally, one of the kids piped up and said: "Crazy." "Yes," I agreed, "for this someone to have been secretly living in our basement for what I reckon to be about one year, I'm sure that someone is indeed crazy...." "No, dad. I was referring to you...." Listen: One quiet afternoon, last winter, I was puttering upstairs when a loud sound busted the silence. It was the distinct, instantly recognizable sound of our basement water pump springing to life -- it starts with rush and ends with a big bang. The sound sent a shiver up my spine. Because the pump only comes on when someone ushes the basement toilet. And I was alone in the house. Alas, this has happened several times since. I've talked to a handful of plumbers and all said the same thing: if that pump's coming on, something's obviously triggering it. And what could possibly trigger it? Someone ushing the basement toilet, that's what. And then there's the matter of the dogs who have made a habit of sitting at the top of the stairs, staring down into the basement, and crying. Or growling. Depending, I suppose, on what the guy in the basement is up to. Wait. I sure wouldn't want to be sexist and simply assume the squatter is male. I know in my dreams, to ease my fears, I imagine the squatter is Kate Upton. But once my head returns to reality, I admittedly have a hard time rationalizing why Kate Upton would be squatting in my basement. Regardless. Recently, "Kate Upton" crossed another line. As if living in my basement, ush- That's Life Andy Juniper Guest Contributor DISCOVER OUR NEW MENU! 905.338.6333 146 Lakeshore Rd.W. Monday to Sunday · From 7:00 am to 3:00 pm ing my toilet, and bugging my dogs isn't enough. Six months ago, in the midst of an autoimmune attack that had my ngers swelling, I removed my wedding ring and put it away in a safe place that I would never forget. Well, on the weekend, I went to get the ring and... it's gone. I'm pretty sure I remember the safe place where I put it. And I'm very sure it's not there. Things are not going well, dear readers. My wedding ring is missing, I'm in the doghouse (big time) over that. And no one believes that "Kate Upton" took it. That is, Kate Upton, the subterranean squatter who is living in my basement, partying with the wildlife, and surely living the high life down there. -- Andy Juniper can be contacted at ajjuniper@ gmail.com, found on Facebook www.facebook. com, or followed on Twitter @thesportjesters. Claude's vaCuum shop Includes Deluxe Air Package Sales · Service · Parts Free Estimates on Repairs Hours: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday · 9am - 6pm Wednesday · 9am - 5pm Saturday · 9am - 4pm sale $39999 Oakville's Longest Serving Nursery School! · Innovative programs for ages 2-5 years ears including a separate JK/SK program. · Programs offered 5/3/2 days. · 1/2 day and extended day for JK/SK. · Beautiful location with an outdoor playground in a mature park-like setting · All staff are registered with the College of Early Childhood Educators (C.E.C.E.) · All staff have been with Crescent for 13+ years! Supreme 100, 10 Years Warranty 128 Kerr St., Oakville, ON L6K 3A7 905.842.5658 | claude2@cogeco.net www.claudesvacuum.com 186 Morrison Road | 905-.844.3432 | crescentnurseryschool@hotmail.com www.crescentnurseryschool.com www.edwardjones.com *$ HEARING AID SPECIAL From 295 (Clients portion) *Some Conditions Apply · Whether in a group or by yourself we make hearing better for you! · Hear the joy of life again! Your interests come first. Marc Nutford - Financial Advisor 2387 Trafalgar Road, Oakville, ON L6H 6K7, 905-844-4043 marc.nutford@edwardjones.com · www.edwardjones.com Member ­ Canadian Investor Protection Fund Up to 3 Year Service Warranty 60 DAY GUARANTEE: FREE Hearing test · Ag Age 55+ www.hearingclinicgroup.com If after 60 days we have not provided you with the best hearing possible, we will give you your money back... Hopedale Hearing Clinic In Hopedale Mall, next to the CIBC 1515 Rebecca Street, Unit 38, Oakville 905-827-7333