The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

www.insideHALTON.com | OAKVILLE BEAVER | Thursday, June 26, 2014 | 14 A husband and wife and the table that divides them That's M Life y wife and I are at odds. We have run afoul over furnishings. We are tussling over taste, and my contention that she has lost -- or, at least, temporarily misplaced -- her once impeccable sense of style. Empirically speaking, my wife is blessed with innate, exquisite taste. She married me, after all. Likewise, in areas such as fashion and home decorating, she has repeatedly proven to have splendid style, judgment and discretion. Historically speaking, whether she's buying a dress or renovating a room, the results are inevitably greeted with rave reviews. Frankly, I'm one of her biggest fans, which is one of the reasons why, if she were to ever ask K a r a s t a n A r e a Andy Juniper Guest Contributor whether I'd like to accompany her furniture shopping, I'd decline; the other reasons being, I'd prefer to nap than shop -- for anything. Recently, she ew solo out the door in search of a new dining-room table. Within an hour of her departure, she texted a picture from a furniture store showroom. I glanced at the table in the text R u g s · M i r a g e and responded appropriately: "Is that a joke?" To which she replied: "No joke, I love it." To which I replied: "Is that another joke?" I mean, it had to be a joke, right? There's no way she would actually purchase this unfortunate excuse for a dining-room table. I mean, it would be generous to even call it a table. It looked more like a torn-off chunk of an old barn wall, or an un nished ping-pong table; a sorry slab of wood. Furthermore, the repulsive piece of furniture -- and I don't know how to say this without casting my wife in an awfully dim light -- was on... casters. Your basic dining-room table on wheels. Surely, she was kidding. Surely, this would not end up in our dining room. The delivery guys were torn. One, sensing my obvious distaste for the table, said it was truly the ugliest thing he'd ever delivered. His partner thought it was "kinda cool." Granted, this style arbiter was missing most of his teeth, along with his taste. That was a few months ago. Nowadays, we are a house divided. There are those who hope a bolt of lightning will crash through the roof and split the table into unsalvageable pieces, and those unfortunates who like their dinning-room furniture to be "funky" and "cool" and "cutting edge" and on wheels. I'm obviously on the side of the lightning bolt. My loathing for this table has no bounds. I avoid our dining room at all costs, averting my eyes should I happen to walk by. Conversely, my wife likes to show off her new purchase to guests. Some gush all over themselves loving it. Some, I sense, throw up a bit in their mouths. It's de nitely a conversation piece. And it's undoubtedly the most divisive dining-room table in the history of dining-room tables. Invariably, I nd myself Googling "Lifespan of ugly dining room tables." If I can't get rid of it, I'm hoping to at least outlive it. Hoping they carry (er, wheel) it out of the house before they cart me out. -- Andy Juniper can be contacted at ajjuniper@gmail.com, found on Facebook www.facebook.com, or followed on Twitter at www.twitter .com/ thesportjesters. H a r d w o o d Peerless Carpeting · Buyers Edge Guarantee · 200 Store Buying Power Canada Day Clearance! UP TO 1/2 H a rd wo o d · ALL IN-STOCK AREA RUGS... OPEN SUNDAYS NOW ON SALE PRICE OR LESS! MAKES A GREAT GIFT! GIFT CARDS AVAILABLE FOR $100 GET A GIFT CARD WITH A VALUE OF $125 Vic Hadfield Golf & Learning Centre Burnhamthorpe & Trafalgar Rd., Oakville 905-257-2334 · www.vichadfieldgolf.com At Prince Michael Dr. off Dundas St. E 905-257-8200 GETSWIMMING.CA Persian Rugs · Peerless Carpeting · 200 DESIGNER AREA RUGS Calvin Klein · Wholesale/Retail of Persian Rugs Store Peerless Comfort Carpet Luxury Karastan Carpet & Area Rugs 100% Canada Mirage Hardwood FOLLOWING LOCATIONS ONLY: 125 Cross Ave. TRAFALGAR VILLAGE OAKVILLE · 905-849-4472 M i r a g e K ar a s ta n C a rp et i ng · SUPERSTORE Buying Power 228 KING ST. E. Hamilton · 905-546-1921 P e r si a n R ug s Pick up a FREE Designated Water Watcher's Kit at your local RBC Insurance Store. * At the Olde Oakville Marketplace 905-815-8121 At Appleby Line near Dundas St. 905-332-2551 Meet with a licensed RBC Insurance® Advisor to receive your FREE Red Cross Designated Water Watcher's Kit. It's what every parent needs to enjoy a safer summer. W Be sure to ask about other ways RBC Insurance can help keep your family safe in and out of the water. ® / TM Trademark(s) of Royal Bank of Canada. Used under licence. * One per household. While supplies last.