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www.insideHALTON.com | OAKVILLE BEAVER | Thursday, January 23, 2014 | 10 A Turning into one very smart (low-fat and gluten-free) cookie new year. A new me. Finer, tter and even more fab, if you can imagine. Resolutions. More novel reading, less Internet and TV . More exercise, yoga and meditation, and generally taking better care myself. And so, I found myself feeling altogether outof-place in the of ce of a nutritionist. After a convivial howdy-do, I boasted about all the terri c things I do for the temple that is my body and expounded upon the wonderful ways I've improved my diet of late -- no wheat and precious little lactose, for instance. Oh, and I may have intimated that I really didn't need this consultation, but had been K a r a s t a n A r e a R u g s egged on by others. Honestly, I gured she would just give me a hearty pat on the back and tell me the obvious -- that I'm one smart (low-fat, gluten-free) cookie who is doing all the right things and that I'm surely going to live forever -- and then send me on my merry way. Alas, it was at that point she began rather disturbingly dissecting my diet. And she started at the beginning, at breakfast, and the very libation that gives me my get-up-and-go. She said that while there is indeed research suggesting that coffee may well be good for some people, it's de nitely not for someone with · M i r a g e H a r d w o o d That's Life Andy Juniper Guest Contributor Peerless Carpeting · Buyers Edge Guarantee · 200 Store Buying Power BEST QUALITY · BEST PRICES · BEST SERVICE TWO TONE HEAVY BERBER TWIST OR TEXTURED BERBER KARASTAN SMART STRAND SHAG WOW THANK YOU SALE $ $ $ 199 299 399 SQ. FT. WOW SQ. FT. WOW SQ. FT. AREA RUGS *LIMITED QUANTITIES CLEARANCE UP TO 1/2 PRICE OR LESS INSTALLATION PREMIUM UNDERPAD " NO" CHARGE a lifetime of digestive issues under his belt. And certainly not for someone who insists on jolting his java with a spoonful of... arti cial whitener. I had the sneaking suspicion this woman was intent on driving a wedge between me and my morning coffee, not to mention my whitener. Breakfast got uglier. I bragged I'm a disciple of the fruit smoothie. Lots of fruit, protein powder, almond milk, axseed, turmeric, and coconut water. She smiled proudly like I was her prize student. Then my honesty re ex kicked in and I acknowledged once or twice a week I forego the smoothie in favor of bacon, eggs and home fries. Or what the nutritionist called, "your basic heart-attack on a plate." From there, things deteriorated from bad to worse. At one point she attacked my love of a bev- erage that markets itself as a chocolaty cappuccino. I don't know its actual name, but I call it my `fake coffee', and I have one at my side every afternoon while I write. The nutritionist didn't sugarcoat her disdain for my afternoon beverage of choice, which she called "chemicals in a cup." I should have known where our conversation was heading as she continued her diet dissection by taking personal umbrage with my lack of latenight resistance to the lure of salty snacks. She made no secret that she believed indulging in potato chips should really not be a part of the new me. Hey , I reminded, a potato is a vegetable and my chip avoring of choice is jalapeño -- and is the humble jalapeño not a veggie, too? My defense was met with a snort of derision. Here I was getting two heaping helpings of veggies at 11:30 at night. Instead of giving me the business, should this nutritionist not have been giving me some kind of award? Well, she did give me a strict new diet to follow. One that inserts more goodness into my life, whilst eliminating all the fun. Happy New Year. Unhappy New Me. -- Andy Juniper can be contacted at ajjuniper@ gmail.com, found on Facebook and Twitter . Persian Rugs · Peerless Carpeting · 200 Store Audiology and Hearing Aid Centre Yes, we have INVISIBLE hearing instruments! Over the last 3 years, hearing instrument technology has become miniature, small enough to fit deep into the ear canal allowing for use during active sports. For some patients, the slim fit option is preferred. These miniature options are available in all price ranges of high performance digital instruments. If cosmetics has been your concern, drop by to see how tiny they have become and hear the difference for yourself. HEARING SCIENCES MIRAGE HARDWOOD SPECIAL $ 99 FOLLOWING LOCATIONS ONLY: 7 INCLUDES INSTALLATION If you've forgotten what fair, professional service feels like, call us and prepare to be amazed! SATISFACTION GUARANTEED! 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