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14 - The Canadian Champion, Tuesday, November 7, 2000 Wrestling with election issues - may the best abs wifl By tomorrow, the resuit wili be in, and either George W. Bush or AI Gore wilI be the newest president of the United States. Currently, opinion poils have Republican candidate Bush eitber neck-in-neck with or siightly abead of Democrat Gore. Since this makes no earthly sense, my guess is Bush is riding higb on the fact that he makes the average American feel smart. AI doesn't. Despite his odd hyperboiic turus and strange per- sonaiity transformations, one gets the impression that if you sat down with Gore and aaked hlm to speak about poiicy. be wouid. At iengtb. And be might even aak you to respond. No such fear wjth Bush. Ask hlm what he tbinks of Zimbabwe and he might just say "Nice place. Touch nortb of Chicago, rigbt?" That makes ail the Americans, wbo tbink 'no, it's SOUTH of Chicago, you putz' feel better. Which is preciseiy wby Canadians have overwbeimingiy opted to support Gore in an opinion poil pubiisbed recently in the National Post. In our constant quet to one-up the Yanks, it's our way of saying 'nya nya. We're not afraid of Gore's intellect. We're serious folk up bere.' persuasion Wbicb worka fine, as long aa some curious American - and no, that isn't an oxymoron - doesn't sneak a peek at our riection. If they did, they'd discover Canadians are on the verge of re- electing a prime minister whose first language is bafflegab, wbiie our second choice appears in immediate danger of speaking in tongues. Next is NDP leader Alexa McDonough , who says she's speak- ing for the people, but won't say who, so the rest of us can give thero a taiking to. "I'm doing okoy, but i wishii didnt oave diobetes. The people at nb (Ê)K~ W\jçàÈ 9:30 a.m. g e Activate on a $30 price plan or higher5 e 2yvear term* After $75 Rebate* Expires N 3020. >11v-1LA - LKA,~/ W T297 * The, frt 10 new cellulair customer Wl receivee a3 110 MMV OicftCrliate! INTEC CELLULAR INC. 439 main St. E. 875-1446 - -Main St. E. 0o ILO -RogerS Comncain c. Used under Ucense. OAT&T Corp. Used under Li1cense. *5ee store for more detais. -The0 monthiy service fee stHI appiles. AIbove offers avaliable at întec Cellular only. HULP SOMIONUR YOIJ KNOW. CALL i-800-SANTINO And Conservative candidate Joe Clark wouid like to speak at ail, but since someone demoiisbed bis party be bas been limited to two just questions in the House. Wbat's worse, it's said he accidentally spent tbem by muttering 'does anyone see me back here' under bis breath. Twice. During elections, reporters spend much of their time urging the candidates to, speak out on issues. We do this partly because it's our job, and partly because it amuses us to see the big guys break out in a sweat. There's no other compeiling reaaon, though, since the average voter doesn't appear too interested. Instead, they seemn just as game to work tbemseives into a fren- zy over John Tumner's blue eyes, Pierre Truadeau's charisma and Stock Day's tank top. Politicians know ibis, and so have become adept at brushing off the incisive, nay, brilliant, questions of reporters by asking us to juat read their canipaign iiterature. Some even manage to refrain (rom tagging the phrase 'you annoying, iiiiterate yobs' on the end. 'Men everyone noda sagely and the poiitician plants a Steison on bis or ber melon and ciimbs up on a pony for a photo-op. But don't let it be said that our current crop of candidates baven't done a tango or two with issues. McDonougb, for example, bas issues wîth tax cuts. Clark bas issues witb the other parties hogging ail tbe votes. Chretien bas issues witb the trutb and people whio wonder aioud if the Red Book, wbicb bas sbrunk to a Coles Notes version of the original, bas GST attacbed. And Day bas issues witb wbatever bis campaign teamn tells him to bave issues witb. Skinny white boy rapper Eminem, for exaro- pIe. Or was that plump chocolate candy M&Ms? If oniy tbose guys back there wouid speak up. It's one of iife's ironies that after years of being convinced of the contrary, there comes a time wben a real womnan bas to admit ber mother may be right. Mine occurmed wben she observed there's no reason ta focus on issues if no one expecta poiiticians to do what tbey say. So you mnigbt as weii vote for tbe guy witb tbe tigbtest abs, best ads or moat decorstive offspring. Or even tbe guy that makes you feel smart So if Bush gets in tonigbt soutb of the border, at least we' Il know wby. ! ts com ing Up to that time of year again. Open your hearts & give generously to the Salvation Army Christmas Bureau Fund. The Canadian Champion office is now accepting donations at 191 MAIN ST.9 MILTON 'Make this Christmas special for someone go q: Canabuii Cb~t»po