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18 - Thei Canadian Chmio, Tuesday, September 5, 2000 Forgtte ons -partners..andfriends. Group helps loved ones of sexual assault victims By CLAUDIA D'SOUSA Special to The Champion They're the forgotten ones - the partners and friends of survivors of sexual abuse. Their experiences are always eerily similar. As someone close to themn baties with past traumas and the recovery process, they cope with a host of complicated issues. Their loved one may push them away emotionally or may over- whelm them with every detail of their pas(. They may beconie distrustful and see those closest to thern as the enemy. Or, they may be riding an emotional roller coaster in the aftermath of con- fronting their abuser, making day-to-day life unpredictable and chaotic. "So many partners flaad It diffiuit to ope. It's crucial that they get support outside the relationship to, enable them to conimunicate thefr feelings and move forward." The situation can be isolating, confusing and trying, and the sta- tistics show most mamrages and friendships end painfully along Ihis healisg path. First, because the partners and friends can't cope wuth the survivor's changing emotional needs and secondly, vue to aiM %.ieibs &Wo cokieges W - 011 Onr&&'o because there are few places to, tumn for help. At the Halton Rape Cnisis Centre, a confidential and free sup- port group simply called the Parnnera and Friends Group, has become a sale haven for many in the Halton community. Is main goal is to, allow participants to share their feelings among those going through similar situations, and to get the support and encouragement they need. "So many paetners find il difficult te, cope," notes peer counsel- lor Cathie Hollasd who runs the group with Nancy Wienburg, also a peer counsellor. "It's an extremely private issue few want to discuss especially the fact that ses is almost non-existent in 90 per cent of these mamrages. tt's crucial that they get support out- side the relationship to enable them to, communicate their feelings and move forward." Recently, three members of the group, one froni Oakville, one from Burtington and one from Milton, reflected on how the Partners and Friends Group continues to help them. 'Meir wives are att in different stages of recovery. "I've always felt there waa something wrong but 1 could neyer put my linger on it, says Stan, a father of two sons in their twen- ties..'My wife would become remote or emotional for no appar- ent reaaon. Every time 1 tried to make thinga better, they usually ended up worsc and 1 was getting blamed for.things t didn't do or even ksow about. The stress on the family and our marriage kept building. To be honeat, I didn't deal with it well." When Stan learned about the Partners and Friends Group, he admits he was filled with apprehension. "t was scared." he says. "I'd been through so much for so long and no one understood. You wanl to fis it but you can't. tl was affecting every part of my life and at ose point t tumed to alcohol and drugs. Once we started îalkisg, t saw that other people were in the samne boat. tt put tl in a framework for me and made me sec lhings more clearly. t leamed how to respond to ber better. This group is a pars of my recovery process." Tom, a thirty somethisg father of three, searched for a support group for six years before he found Partners and Frienda. "tm not the abuser but sometimes my wife saw me as the enemy,' he reveals. "Family and friends want te, help but they don't know what you'rc-goisg through. 1 had inixed feelings because 1 didn't want to become immersed in il, but 1 saw how important ilis to share with someose who undcrstasds. You bave 10 take care of yourself." "I thought 1 could handle il on my own,' says Dave, a newly- wed. 1I was uscorafortable at first, but t found it comforting. tI blew me away t0 hear what other people are goisg thmough. It put my experience in perspective and gave me a chance 10 unload in an unbiased envirosment. The group has becs my saving grace. Now, t look forward 10 the next meeting before the last one ends." Peer cousisellors Ms Holland and Ms Wienberg have secs the growth of the group sisce ils isceptios. Members become friends and exchasge phone sumbers so that they always have a lifelise if they need te, talk. "'lhe group helps lhem sec the lighî ai the end of the tunnel," states Ms Wienberg. "It's their safe place and it helps keep Ihese families logether." The next eight-week session of Partners and Friends will begis in September. It's open to both maies and femnales. Cati Kerry Samuels at 825-3622 for more information. Several other support groups arc available for female survivors. (The names of the husbands quoted in the above siors' were changed to protecr privac.y.) Be prepared, not scared: Red Cross The Canadian Red Cross has released a booklet entilled 'Be Prepared Not Scared' to help the public bc prepared for the effecta of tornados, wisd storms and flooding. The manual is available at no cost at the local Red Cross office. Here's a sample of information is the book. - In the case of a tomnado go to the basement if indoors. If there's no basement, crouch or lie flat under heavy furniture in an inner hallway or amaîl inser room away from windows. Stay clear from shopping maIls, halls and other big buildings as the roof could collapse. If outaide, crouch in a ravise or ditch. If dri- ving, gel away frora the car. It could roll or be blown away. - In a flood tum off baaement fumaces and outaide valves. Shut off elecîricity. If the area around the fuse box is wet stand on a dry board and shut off electricity with a wooden stick. Don't lry to cross a flooded area on foot. Fast russusg water could sweep a persos away. Abandon a car if il stalîs in a flooded ares. - In a lightning sîorm stay inside if possible. If ouldoors seek shelter in a building, cave, or depressed area. If caughi in the 1 FUTON MATTRESSES 1