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www.insideHALTON.com · OAKVILLE BEAVER Friday, January 18, 2013 · 14 Lighthouse can help those grieving a suicide By David Lea OAKVILLE BEAVER STAFF It's a place where people can find hope after being wounded by a true act of hopelessness. For years the United Way-funded Lighthouse Program, at 82 Wilson St., has offered peer support for grieving children, youths and their families struggling to come to terms with a loved one's suicide. The program's Executive Director Britta MartiniMiles said the facility supports people who have lost loved ones through a variety of causes, but pointed out moving on after the suicide of a friend or family member can be particularly challenging. "There's often guilt, a feeling they have let that person down or that they could have done something. There's also a lot of anger and that makes for a very complicated grief," said Martini-Miles. "There is sadness over the loss of that person, but also anger you are left with something that you don't understand. The person is no longer there so you can't ask them the questions you want to ask." So complex are emotions surrounding suicide, Martini-Miles applied for additional funding for peer support meetings strictly for the loved ones of people who have taken their lives. It was denied. Martini-Miles said it is important these `survivors of suicide' speak to each other because they often feel alone in their situation. Talking to someone going through the same thing can help, she said. Talking about the death is important because unlike other types of death that bring family and friends together, a suicide can actually tear them apart. "You often find parents blaming each other," said Martini-Miles. "This means the remaining siblings have to take sides. So they are mourning the loss of their sibling and now there is conflict between the parents. Often aunts, uncles, grandparents have an opinion on this. It's hugely challenging." While peer support can be greatly helpful it is not easy. The program has a rule that children, even the very young, be told the truth about the death. Martini-Miles said telling a child their parent died in an accident when they actually killed themselves can result in trust issues when the child gets older and learns the truth. She said the child may not understand until they are a teen at which point they will grieve with the knowledge what happened was not hidden from them. While grief can be painful, MartiniMiles points out it is a normal reaction to death because the deceased was loved. Through assistance and time, she said, the grief can become less painful and the memories of the person will become more prominent than the way they died. Martini-Miles also said it is important for society to understand the love people have for their departed friends and family, including those who died by suicide. Acting like nothing happened around a person who has lost someone special does not help them, she said. "We, as a society, are not comfortable talking about death. Our families say when they go back to work and school, people don't talk to them about the death because they are terrified they are going to make it worse for the griever and they are making it worse by not talking because not only are they not addressing the fact there was a death, they are not respecting there was a life," said Martini-Miles. "Our children say to us all the time, `People don't talk to me about my mom anymore. It's as if she was never there.'" For information, contact www. grievingchildrenlighthouse.org or 905337-2333.