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ritem of the week for those starved for news: Yuppies in Dallas are gobbling up toy telephones that look like cellular phones. The wire service that served up this gemn says the fake phones (wbich corne with stick-on antenna) seil for' $15.95. Reason for the sales rush? Yuppies these days are cash starved, the story dlaims. It's a cbeap way to keep up ap- pearances. Rigbt. In a pig's eye. Or, to elevate the tone a bit, let us analyze the premise on whicb that erroneous assumption rests. First: define our terms. Yuppies, as everyone shouid, know by now, is New York talk for Young Urban Professional. Doctors. Dentists. lawyers.. You know the type: the ones that sooner or later ya gotta go see and wben you do tbey get to make up the bill according to their own credit needs. Tbat's wby teachers aren't professionals. Somebody else decides wbat the bill will be. Time cornes teachers get to bill students (or parents of students) for the work required that montb to get junior properly functioning -tbat's wben teacbing will beaà profession. Tbat's wby plumbers, carpenters, electricians, bricklayers, gardeners, veterinarians, et ai are professional. And tbat's why sorne day some smartaleck lawyer's gon- na corne to me and ask me to write, say five, six bundred words for bim and I'm gonna say, rigbt, fellow, and then.I do. and then I Ret to send bim the bill includine the 65 cents for pbotocpying for my own records and $5.95 billing charges and 12 cents for paper clips. But tbat's a story for another day. Back to yuppies. I bear a lot of people talking about yup- i pies these days. Few know any. Everybody's heard about yuppies, about tbern being money-grubbing, and workabolic, and tasteless, but of course nobody wants to be one. The real villains are the baby-boorners. Vuppies represent the bloomers arnong the boomners. But boorish, ,WITH OUR FEET UP by Bilt Swan The Boomers self ish, tasteless consumption is not lirited to yuppies -a whoie generation polished such attributes tii tbey gieamed like their brass bouse numbers. Them's the boomers. Definition: a baby-boomer is someone who-was born somewhere between 1947 and 1960; was a teenager in the sixties or early seventies; is stili in the process of destroying civilization. ,Wbat bappened was that parents, finally happy that the depression and the WWII were over, started doing wbatever causes babies and kept doing it until their ears rang. Their ears rang because their kids turned up the television set. Loud. So rock was invented. Then carne drugs and free love witbout babies. (But that's another story). So there were 50 rnany of these kids that parents just kept buying tbern fancy toys and teacbing tbem to consume. There were s0 many that tbey couldn't ail fit into scbools. Wben they did get finally fitted in scbools they defied teachers to give tbemn all detentions at the sarne tirne and standards déclined. Somne of thern went to university and* poured corn syrup on the computers. Then tbey "dropped out" to "do their own thing" (no, Nursing Home futures. Enough boomers smoked bad dope in tbeir youtb that they'll dwindie into seniity eariy and need ail the care tbey caflget. Me, I'm gonna start subdividing the Yuppie Lawn Acres, a planned subdivision of upscaie plots for aIl your. tomorrows, complete witb brass plates for bead stones. Another ten to fifteen years tbey'l1 be wackin' each other with canes to be first in 1.ne to plunk tbeir money down. Unless, of course, tbey succeed at bringing us bistory's deepest and longet Depression yet. They're working on that, you bet. __________ Traff ic lights are rejected for Manning/Gardî Whitby council has decided, by a vote of 5-1, not to instail traffic lights at the intersection of Manning Rd. and Garden St. The only member of council who voted in favor of the lights was centre ward councillor Marcel Brunelle. (Councillor Gerry Ernr was absent.) The Town's public works department had recornrended installation of the lights, at a cost of $60,000. Brunelle said the recommen- dation was a "warning" to council. "Before we have a disaster, the public works department is saying it would be wise for council to put up a set of lights," said Brunelle. But other councillors wanted to know why the request for lights was brought forward just after the Town's 1988 budget was passed, and despite studies which show lights are not now required at the intersection. "Why would they recornmend Ph one decision is upeoming A decision is expected sometime this month which could lead te local calling from Whitby te Toronto. Tom Qîdman, who along with Bob Goodchild and Andy Feduk,ý is spearheading the move, said he sent a petition with 8,000 signatures to Flora MacDonald, Minister of Communications, and te the chairman of the CRTC which is holding hearings this month on Bell Canada's criteria for local-long distance calling. According to Oldrnan the only criteria Wbitby does not meet is that it does not physically border Toronto. A decision on that criteria is expected this month. Whitby would then have to petition Bell Canada to hold a plebiscite on whether or not residents want local calling te, Toronto- this?" asked councillor Joe Bugelli. Mayor Bob Attersley rerninded Bugelli that it was council wbich makes the final decision. 1I can't see resolving this now when in a few rnonths we could receive provincial subsidy when the warrants are met," said councillor Tom Edwards. "I could give you a list of thirigs that need done if you want to change the policy, including sidewalks and culverts," added Edwards. In the report to council, works department noted that the Town would have to pay the full cost for the lights since traffic counts are not high enough to ask the Province for a contribution. Council, with the exception of Brunelle, agreed to wait until the warrants are met at the inter- section before a final decision is made on installing lights. in your plans for the future, there may be an area you've overlooked. Consider this a test to see if you're really prepared for what the future will bring. Do you have adequate insurance and benefits? Do you have a pension plan? Have you preplanned and prepaided your funeral arrangements? Now if you're asking yourself what makmng funeral arrangements has to do with sensible planning, let us explain. While it's difficult to talk about an emotional subject in dollar and cents, it is necessary. By preplanningand prearranging funeral ârrangements now, you can guarantee that the money will be there for the future, with no financial strain imposed on the people close to you. itM -MONIARID FUNERAI. SSE'MCE AS$CCLMIU W. C. Town Funeral Chapel Ltd. Whitby 668-3410 John R. Town Jayne Langlois - Town 110 Dundas St. East 668-3410- Bth ANNUAL WH1TBY FESTIVAL 0 F CRAFTS SHOW MAY 6,798 Show Hours: Friday 6:00 p.m.. 10:00 p.m. Saturday 10:00Oa. m. - 5:00Op.m. Sunday 10:OOa.m. -5:OOp.m. *3Booths 0f Canadian Crafts *DEMONSTRATIONS ICRAFT SUPPLIES Children tjnder 12 Fr,. PRIZE PARKING IROQUOIS PARK ARENA 500 VICTOR1A ST. W. WHITBY ONT REFINISHIN( 513 Brock St. N. Unit 1, Whitbv *ANTIQUES .NO-DIP RESTORED STRIPPING *CUSTOtM *REPAIRS UPHOLSTERY .RIFINISHING A large seleteiof of Victorian parlour furniture availàble 668-5481 WHJTrBY FIREE PRESS,, WEDNESDAY, MAY 4,1988, PAGE 5 that's not whàtwe meant by 'thing') and promised to live on brown rice and weave baskets and give ùp suburbs and consumerism. Ha. Before baby boomers there were lots of jobs for students graduating frorn anything. But there were 50 many boorners graduating ail at once that PHDs had to drive taxis and go on welfare. The job market bas neyer been the same. Wben they started to buy bouses, boomers found there weren't enough, so they started buying houses that hadn't been buit yet. This they buit into a cottage industry, 50 to speak. As a resuit, boomers who' have neyer been denied anything buy houses they can't afford to live in before the divorce and then seil for a profit. As resuit, where people used to be able to buy a bouse for two years pay now tbey bave to raffle off a motber-in-iaw or two. Boorners find tbis a fair excbange. Boomers built bouses bigger and better than any, generation yet, 50 tbey bad no qualms about size wben it came to the stock market. There mas a crash in the twen- ties? Anything grandpaw could do, we can do better. They did. Tbey plan an even bigger one in early 1991. As late as last week, boomers (tbe yuppie subspecies) started fistfigbts and sboving matches to plunk down payments for $500,000 - $900,000 bornes nortb of Toronto. The subdivision -basn't even been approved yet. These peopebhave no shame.