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WHITBY FREE PRESS, WEDNESDAY. MAY 27.1987, PAGE 7 PAGE SEVEN ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES At a symposium of the International Association of Creative Humanology held recently at a secret undisclosed location in the Town of Whitby, Canada, Dr. Herbert A. Nonsequor expounded on his theories on the development of the human species. After a brief review of the work of Darwin, Leakey et al, he described the observations that have led him to propose three new species within the genus "Homo." His observation and conclusions are summarized below. HOMO POLITICIUS This species, anoffshoot of Homo sapiens, has developed a num- ber of selective adaptations which allow it to survive and prosper in its particular environment. The adaptations are numerous but not obvious as they tend to be functional rather than physical. For example the musculature on the legs is such that Homo politicius is highly adept at sidestepping as opposed to forward locomotion. The major adaptations, however, occur at the head. The sensory organs are particularly well developed since Homo politicius' sur- vival is acutely dependent on his awareness of his surroundings. The ears are unusually adapted as they can be readily extended to the ground (as in "he had his ears td·the ground"). The species is rarely seen in this undignified and highly vulnerable position but Prof. Nonsequor assured his colleagues that the apparent banality of the species is deeply rooted in this strange behavior. Oc- casionally, this peculiar affinity for soil becomes more evident as for instance when they "get down into the dirt" or start "mud- slinging." Under most conditions the mouth appears quite normal but the species has been observed on many occasions to be able to talk ou.t of both sides at once. Most members of the species have been found to have normal tongues but it has been reported that some (par- ticularly those dealing with native species) have had a forked tongue. Dr. Nonsequor has not observed this himself. On the rare occasions when the mouth is not open (talking) it is in the smiling mode. The muscles of the face and jaw are adapted to prevent the fatigue that most Homo species would experience from such over- use. Eye, mouth, hand coordination is exceptionally refined in Homo politicius. It has been reported by some that this species has a second set of eyes on the back of their heads but Dr. Nonsequor has never found this in his personal observations and believes that this charac- teristic has been confused with hindsight, a trait found in great abundance in all members of the politicius species. Hindsight, however, is a behavioral adaptation rather than a physical one and resides entirely within the brain. As a cranial adaptation, hindsight is closely related to memory selectivity. This, in turn, is related to their ability to say something one day and emphatically deny it the next, claiming in the same breath that they were misquoted. As a species, Homo politicius appears to have larger (swelled) heads than other Homo species and whether because of this or spite of this, it has achieved a dominance over all other Homos. HOMO BUREAUCRACIUS This species is subservient to Homo politicius and is used by the latter to implement its dominance over other Homo species. Dr. Nonsequor believes it to be a direct offshoot of Homo nean- derthalis; however, he added that some subsets of the species (e.g. telephone receptionist, billing dept. clerks) are so similar that he feels they may have been secretly cloned for their specific fun- ctions. He feels that Homo politicius has encouraged rapid multiplication and a high degree of inbreeding in this species in or- der to create a buffer between its own dominance and other poten- tially disgruntled Homo species. Physical characteristics of the species are unremarkable. The species rarely smiles when working and never shows any en- thusiasm. The constraints imposed by Homo politicius are frequen- tly very frustrating and individual members of the species have been known to become quite snarly. This behavior is tolerated when directed towards other Homo species but results in im- mediate disciplinary action when aimed at Homo politicius. Their predominant and most consistent behavioral characteris- tic is obfuscatiousness and since none of them know what the word means, they remain blissfully ignorant of the confusion and frustration that they create. HOMO UANDIUS This species is the most numerous of the Homo species and several variants have been identified (e.g. var. teladdictus, var. jock, etc.). The species is a throwback from Homo sapiens and shows less initiative and intelligence than its progenitor. Indeed, Prof. Nonsequor asserts that Homo unandius on its own would neyer have corne down from the trees, and that its indolence and willingness to accept the status quo has made it totally unable to break the subtle domination that Homo politicius has asserted. HOMO SAPIENS Dr. Nonsequor asserts that this species is now extinct. H1e con- siders that reports of intelligent life on Earth have been greatly exaggerated in recent years. He claims that the acadernic com- munity is now dominated by Homo bureaucracius but denies that he is of that species. When asked which of the other two species he belongs to, he said neither. He refused to elaborate. By GEORGE ASHE Durham West MPP A few facts that you will probably not see in many head-lines are in order. FACT: In three budgets the Liberals have increased spending by nearly 8 billion dollars, to just under 35 billion dollars. FACT: In buoyant economic times the Treasurer is still budgeting for an operating account deficit. FACT: After eight years of reducing the size of the public ser- vice by the previous government the Liberal Government has turned that around. The Public Service has grown by approximately 3000 in just two years at an annual cost of some $200 million. FACT: The Futures Program, skills training for young people, announced with great fanfare in the 1985 budget was to assist 230,000 young people by the end of 1986. To May 1987 only 50,000 have been assited, about 22% of the goal. FACT: If the announced programs and Ministry allocations are correct, the actual budgeted deficit is 1.330 billion dollars, not 980 million. This will be an in- creased deficit over the 1986-87 ac- tuals. FACT: Last year's strong economy produced an additional 1.3 billion dollars of extra revenue over budget. Over one billion of that was spent over the budget. FACT: Projected spending growth in the budget will be 1.7 times the expected rate of inflation. FACT: With the many pronoun- cements regarding the governmen- ts committment. to education, the provincial support of the system has dropped from 48.6% of total costs when the government changed to something less that 46%. FACT: The Treasurer did finally fulfill one 1985 election promise, two years later. The sales tax exemption on fast foods will be at the $4level June 1. FACT: Unfulfilled 1985 election proises: ine abolition of OHIP premiums; the $100 tax credit for Northerners has been forgotten; non-delivery of a massive den- tacare program for the young and seniors; a promise to restore provincial funding of education to the 60% level. as already men- Open letter to Ross Stephenson (MPP Durham York) Dear Mr. Stephenson: No doubt you have read the most recent prognostications regarding the utterly appalling injuries being inflicted by man upon the global eco-structure. The damage is wor- sening literally hourly, and may soon be completely irreversible. How long will we wait before we act? The sickness grows from a huge variety of sources including the proliferation of nuclear and in- dustrial waste, acid rain, deforestation, and soil degeneration. These lead to the poisoning of earth, air, and water. The results are ghastly for plant, animal, and human life: defor- mation,; disease, and death. It sometimes seems that the scale of the devastation renders us all helpless, unable to prevent our own demise. Like all other peoples, however, we can - and must - look to our own backyard and consider how we might clean it up. Self-interest, if nothing else, demands as much. We may not be able directly to stop the destruction of the rain forests, of oceanic life, of the ionosphere. We do have the power to call a halt here. tioned it has decreased. And the last but most important. FACT: The "budget makes On- tario vulnerable to any bad news that could come down the tubes." In short, as indicated by The Sun's business editor - "Spend today, without worrying about tomorrow." Specifically, we can oppose the establishment of further dump sites in the Brock Township region, and we can do so in a productive man- ner - that is, by promoting a debate on the safe disposal of Ontario's in- dustrial and social waste and gar- bage. Specifically, we can fight the transportation of highly radioac- tive and toxic tritium through our area. I am sure you are aware'of Ontario Hydro's plans to truck tritium to Darlington from the Pickering and Bruce nuclear plan- ts. Perhaps you also know that one billionth of a gram of tritium can cause cancer. And that in one year (1985) 10% of all trailer trucks in Ontario was involved in an ac- cident. The terrible immediate dangers surely need no further em- phasis. As a first step to ensuring the safe disposal of tritium, would you not agree that we must prevent it being transported through our towns and hamlets, our farmland, past our schools? Would you not agree that this is the very least we owe our families, the children of our area, and the generations to come? Yours truly, Jeremy Hole R.R. 1. Locust Hill, Ont. A few budget facts Stop tritium transportation Z00eq;r r,411,4 WIF7Y PA/e..., / lýAD;rOeÙy 7V CÈ;r "JE/1