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PAGE 12, W.EDNESDAY, JUNE 18. 1986 WHITBY FREE PRE.SS Group tacles tri als of blended famies Iiy JAN DODGE Free Press Staff The success rate for second marriages is even lower than it is for first marriages. According to Statistics Canada's Divorce: Law and The Fàmily in Canada, publlshed li 1983, only 1.8 percent of second marriages in whlch both spouses were previously married lasted beyond 25 years. Almost 75 per- cent of these break Up in the ffrst 10 years. This compares with 13 percent of couples, in which botb were single at marriage, still together after 25 years. Less than 47 percent of these break up in the ffrst loyears. One of the greatest sources of stress to the second marriage are children from the previous marriage, Dr. Lillian Messenger found ini her study on couples whose second marriages have lasted more than 10 years, at. the Clarke Institute of Psychiatry. Kathy James and Doug Barton are taking CONTINUCUS COMPUTER - REGISTER A DATA PROCESSING FORMS on the challenge of a second marriage and putting two familles together. Having struggled with the problems for almost a year now they have formed a support group, Blended Famiies, for others like tbem. Kathy bas a daugbter, 13, and a son, 15, who live witb the -couple. Doug bas 13-year-old twins, a son and a daugbter, who visit most weekends. "In the beginning," Katby said, "Doug's children would say to me, 'I don't have to listen to you; you're not my mother'," and she said Doug was hearing the same klnd of thing from ber children. When ail six of them were together on weekends, "Doug's kids (who were visiting) didn't have any space of their own; they felt they dldn't belong. My kids felt they were being ln- vaded." Botb Katby and Doug come fromn broken marriages, where there were cbildren, but there are xnany different situations wbîch could produce blended families. One partner with cbildren xnay remarry after the death or divor- ce of a spouse to a par- tner wbo bas no children, who bas been unmarried before. Both members of the partnersbîp may bave cbildren wbom they bring to live witb them or both may have chlldren living with the other spouse, but visiting together or separately. Ail these families will have variations on the same theme - the problem of getting famiies, including children, to work together. To give Doug's cbildren a sense of belonging, Kathy said they provided dresser space and closet space wbicb was theirs alone. This alleviated the feeling of invasion for ber children as well. "We bought them posters wbich they bung, just so they could have something (about which) they could say. 'Hey, that's mine.' " Even something as simple as buying their own toothbrushes can make a difference to kids' feelings of belonging," she said. When there are no children on the scene, each partner bas a chance to work out the relationship before children are born. However, with children present, free time is a luxury the partners do not have. Coming from dif- ferent backgrounds the partners bring with them different §ystems of discipline, different expectations for the partnersbip, and dif- ferent expectations of the children. And there's the problem of "my" cbild. "You get defensive for your own child," Doug said. "I've done it. Kathy bas done it. But after you get to know your partner, and un- derstand where she's coming from, there's no need to be defensive." The partners in a blended family may ex- pect instant love from LETHEADS ENVELOPS -FLYERS BUSINESS CARDS BUSINESS FORMS RESUMES-11ROCHURES CARIONLESS FORMS PEOGIAMS-TICKmT COMPUTEIED TypuiSETNG DOME ON PEmisuiI - s --HAWOD V .-XSOPI -PLZ the cbildren and be disappointed when- it doesn't happen. Being a family together takes time. With this suddenly in- creased famnily size may also come increased financial cifficulties, because one spouse, usually the husband, bas support payments. Family meetings bave helped to lessen tbe stress for Kathy and Doug.. IlWe include ail four kids ... and we en- couarge everyone to bave tbeir say ... they are allowed to express their feelings. They talk out what's botbering tbem, then they talk together. " And it works for them, Kathy says. "The two girls have progressed to the point where tbey fight like sisters. The two boys are also, working together like brothers," doing sucb chores as cutting the. grass together. Kathy and Doug believe the children sbould participate in al tbings, "not just the good stuff". Ail tbe chiidren have chores to make them feel like part of thefamily. But there is timne for outings and shopping trips as well. Kathy of- ten takes the girls while Doug takes the boys. and Doug baven't bad to deal witb, but which is common, is the Inter- ference of the ex spouse. Finding time for one another is very difficuit for the adults li a bien- ded family. The children are always there. Kathy and Doug have set aside one nigbt a week just for them- selves. "This la our time to spend 10 gel 10 know eacb other," Kathy said. "If parents can't keep their relationsbip solid, there Is no energy left to deal with the cbildren." doit may seem selfish," Doug said, "but it's not. If the two partners get their act together, it wlll be much better for the kids. " They have dinner and attend a couple of cour- ses at Durham College: one in ballroom dan- cing, and a psychology course in adjustment and buman bebaviour which, among other things, looks at stress and anger related to children's probleins in familles. It was in their psychology class that they heard Jay Schalm from the Alexandria Clinic at Oshawa General Hospital speak on blénded familles. After taiking witb Kathy and Doug, the group expecting solutions; lb is more a communlty of support. Members lîsten, under- stand, and empathize. " Oak says Blended Familles is the oniy group at present of its kind in Soutbern On- tario. 0f bis role at the meetings he said, IlBasically I sat in at Kathy and Doug's request and assisted some as a facilitator, altbough this group bas been well directed on its own. "My continulng role bas not been decided; they may not need me after a while. " 0f the first tbree meetings be said, "I thougbt they were very good for those who par- ticipated. The people 1 talked with had a positive response." 1Oak sald the fact that the group was abil small (eigbt at the last meeting) would enable them t get a strong sense of self. Oak's position as co- ordinabor of the South Oshawa Community Development Project means that people who can identify a need in the community go to hlmn for heip and he belps them organize to do something about it. Another group be belped get going recen- tly was a support group Kathy James and Doug Barton with three of the four children in their blended family take part in an impromptu family meeting around the dining room table. Seated clockwise beginning with the lower front are Melaura Barton, Doug Barton, Tammi James, Sean Barton, and Kathy Jamps. At family meetings "nothing is kept secret;, we tell the kids what we're going to do. We don't want any sur- prises. We plan together. " This includes plans for Kathy and Doug's upcoming wedding, as soon as bis divorce is final. The family, living now li a three-bedroom bungalow, is looking forward bo moving to a larger house in July. "The girls bave decided to share a large roomn, the boys wiil each have their own room; the f ifth bedroom will be a happy roomn for hob- bies and play. "Tbat's good," Kathy said of the girls' decision bo share. "lb shows they're trying to get along. " The boys are getting along too, she said. "Doug's son refers to my son as bis brother. " One problem Kabby Schalm was s0 im- pressed with what they had done, she suggested tbey start a group. After receiving fur- ther encouragement from the clinic, fromn Christian Family Coun- selling, the Crisis Team, and the South Oshawa Community Develop- ment Project, par- ticularly its co- ordinator Wayne Oak; Kathy and Doug, wibh Oak's help, began the group in May. "It's a self-governing informai group," Kathy said. "Everyone is on a first-name basis. Mem- bers discuss problems as tbey arise, over *cof-' fee. They don't bave solutions; they give suggestions and sup- port." Oak concurs witb Ibis. "The purpose of the group is to heip blended families work tbrough a support systemn. It lessens the stresses .. not many people go into Free Press Staff Photo for parents having troubles witb their teenagers. Future plans for Blended Families li- clude sebting up a buddy system, Kathy said, "lso that when people get to the end of their rope, tbere's someone to belp," even on Saturday afternoons or Sunday nigbts when most professionals can't be reached. "Famiiy members may be willing; they can support, but they don't understand 'cause they baven't been there. " Blended Familles meets every second week on Thursdays in St. Peter's Anglican Church, Cedar St. S., Oshawa at 8 p.m. The next meeting will be June 26. Ail are welcome. For further information caîl 723- 0036. 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