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KALNINS ON -- r ý*1 0e0. Dlirty Old Men The other day 1 was having my usual Won Ton soup and a cup of coffee at the Golden Gate restaurant. While enjoying my last cup of coffee before returning to my place, 1 suddenly found niyself jotting down ail kinds of notes on a piece of old newspaper. 1 had just corne across BIgRD'S EVE WIEW -Ji4OU QIL a 'brilliant' idea which I'm, using in t his column. The idea, in fact, was a definition of a dirty old man. Everyone, I presumne, bas heard this phrase before, used at various times and by various people, but mostly by women. In the restaurant hehind the dim-lit counter was this young-looking waitress. I started asking ber some questions p ertaining to this uh-ah subject. At first she giggled, but after a while she found my questions ratber interesting. "Can you define for me a dirty old man?" I asked her Oh, indeed, it was no problem. Being only sweet sixteen, she appeared to be quite familiar with the subject. Finally, when she ran out of definitions, I helped ber with some. Here are our joint efforts reproduced below. A dirty old, man is anyone who bides dirty pictures and stories between book covers of works by Sbakespeare and Ghoete. A man wbo sniuggles porno movies and glossy prints into Canada from Denmark, Sweden and the United States. A fella wbo spends most of bis spare time at Cinema 2000 on Yonge Street. A young man who throws stag parties and invites girls to see bis etchings. A married man who pinches young girls on subways and tells ail tbe single girls tbat he's foot-loose and fancy-free. A man wbo ogles girls on the street and whistles at women wbo wear mini skirts. hIle "dirty old men" category can be extended. by Uni- versity students who read tbe following magazines: Play- boy, Penthouse, Playgîrl, Viva, Qui, Success and Genesis. There are, of course, a lot more "dirty" magazines, particu- Ftj P-r. You Missed A Spot! Those of you who live in apartments don't know tbe thrill of painting yo ur own home. It's the kind of thrill a psycho gets just before they throw him into the looney bin. First your paint spattered eye lids flutter and stick openl, then your pupils dilate and finally. with a wicked laugh, you bau! off and gWeé the paint can an enormous kick and they corne and hauil you away. As they fasten you in the tiglit jacket with the back- ward sleeves you mutter, "Basic white isn't my colour boys". Sooner or later it will happen to you if you get caught up in this insanity called paint yourself to six months treatments. A certain lady friend, who shahl remain anonymous to protect my sanity, bas a favourite saying as she wields a paint brudi and tries to get me to help - "Isn't this fun!" Fun!! 1 had more fun the tirne I was in tbe hospital with a broken nose. 1 would get my left leg ripped off and consider it to be more fun than painting the bouse. If my nose even gets a hint of fresh paint my legs start ini motion automatically taking me away from the offensive smell. And everybody bas their own little hints they like to pass along at painting time. One lady told me if 1 wanted to make sure the place didn't smell when I painted that I should put out two or three bowls of vinegar and this would soak up the paint smell. It meant instead of my butter tasting like paint it then tasted like vinegar. Actually I'm not tbat kinky on vinegar either so it was quite a decision as to whicb smell 1 wanted to permeate my butter. The decision turned out to be an easy one in the end. The butter contracted a rare fur disease that a lot of the food in my refrigerator gets so I had to tbrow it out. A sbamne too, that pound of butter was only a month and a haif old. 1 found you have to watcb out when you buy cheap paint because the instructions aren't too explicit. About ail the label says is, "You have just purchased a can of paint." That's it, nothing about the rate ingredients that went into it or how to mix it or anything. They also don't tel! you that no matter how neat that patched up hole looks before you paint it as soon as the latex bits it the wall looks like somebody was finger painting on it. Brushes are not my best friend in the world either. The best or the worst - tbey're ail the sanie with me. They ail develop the frizzies and I wind up making little pin stripes down the adjoining walI when I paint a corner. And you should see how many neat pin striped ceiling tules I have. Another paint tip I got was to use masking tape around the windows so the job would go faster. Faster! It took me longer to put up that fool tape than if I bad painted the windows and scraped them after. And my tipper didn't tell me if you leave the tape on the glass for a few weeks (so 1 forgot!) it is the proper dickens to get off! Spiders* have this thing about painting too. When they see me with a brush in hand, and after they get over the initial shock, they set right out to spin bundreds of webs ail around tbe corners and windows where I'm going to paint. 1 can assure you 1 have very religious spiders in my bouse because I bave personally blessed themn many times. They spin-like mad but do they ever catch flues? Just ask me somethne! As well as a brush with the frizzies 1 usually wind up witb a square roller.too. The fool thing goes across the wall, flubba, fiubba, fiubba, like a flat tire and about aIl it does is spiatter up my pants whicb are my good ones be- cause 1 usually forget to change. It's been 10 years now and I figured it's about time to paint the- bouse buhit.on second thonugbt I think l'Il just .- .. .. . ... Also check the savings on many popular national brands on sale during "Winter Camnival" Time at l.D.A. SHOP AT YOUR I.D.A. DRUG STORE IN ANY 0F THESE ONTARIO COMMUNITUES: ALLISTON A NCA STE R ARINPRIOR BARRYS BAY BAY RIOGES BEAVERTON BELL E VILLE BLENHEIM BLIND RIVER BO WMAN VIL LE BRADFORD BRIGHTON BROCKVILLE BROOK LIN BU RLINGTON CALEDONIA CAMP BELL F0RD CANNINGION CHATHAM CL ARK SON COBOURG COLLINGWOOD COOKS VILLE DOWLING DUNDAS DUNNV ILLE DU RH AM ELLIOT LAKE ELORA FENELON FALLS FERGUS FORT ERIE GANANOQUE GARSON GRAVENHURST GRIMSBY GUELPH HAMILTON HANMER HANOVER KANATA KAPUSKASING KINCARDINE KING CITY KINGSTON K ING SV ILLE KIRKLAND LAKE KITCHENER LEAMINGTON LIVELY LONDON LUCK NO W MADOC M ARK DALE MARKHAM MIDLAND MOUNT FOREST NAPANEE N EWCA STLE NEWMARKET NIAGARA FALLS OAK VILLE O RANGE VIL LE ORILLIA, OSHAW A OTTAW A OWEN SOUND PARRY SOUND PEMBROKE PENETANGUISHENE PERTH PETAWAWA PETERBOROUGH PETROLIA PORT COLBORNE PORT DOVER PORT PERRY PRESCOTT RENFREW RICHMOND RICHMOND HILL RIDGETOW N ST. CATHARINES SARNIA SAULT STE. MARIE SIMCOE SMITIIS FALLS STONEY CREEK STOU FF VILLE STRATHROY SUDBURY SUTTON WEST THOROLD THUNDER BAY TILLSONBURG TO RON TO T REN TO N UXBRIDGE VAL CARON VINELAND WALKERTON WALLACEBU RG WASAGA BEACH WATERDOW N W ELLAND W HITBY WIARTON WINDSOR WOODSTOCI< W YOMING SUPPORT THE HEART FUND THIS MONTH. HEART DISEASE IS CANADA'S NUMBER ONE HEALTH PROBLEM. p COURTICE-ALLIN I.D.A. PHARMACY 117 Brock St. N. 558-2394 Whithy S. O MIE I SHORT'S I.D*A. PHARMACY 65 Baldwin St. 555-3301 Brooklin WHITBY FREE PRESS. WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 1974, PAGE 7 larly the ones we neyer see in this country. Definitely, a dirty old man is a suave gentleman who tries to seduce a young lady during the opera intermission. A 60-year-old man who asks a i 9-year-old girl to be his date at a drive-in movie. A distinguisbed-looking business man who makes passes at young and innocent femnales in his own office. A man who watches Channel 79 every Friday night. To close off my list, here are some other "dirty old men" definitions: A happily married man who joins the local sex club. A travelling salesman who entertains bis dates at the Royal York or airport motels. A guy who plasters bis bachelor apartment with Penthouse.centrefolds. And, finally, the real dirty old man is the one who seldom cornes home to his wife because he is too busy elsewhere. P.S. 1 hope the girls wun't stop calling me a dirty old ma.If thýey do, tlien l'Il know that there is something wrong with me. Either 1 have lost interest in sex or inm getting old. So long, you dirty old men!