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THE ERA Second Section Newmarket Aurora Keswick Wed March Sports News District News Classified Section fa 4 A A ft ft It 4 Childrens Aid stands by Yorks pregnanf Childrens Aid stands ready to help unwed mothers The organizations role however is to guide the unwed teenager through pregnancy childbirth and the decision to give up or keep her baby All final decisions CAS officials stress rest with the mother The girl is only advised as to the pros and cons of giving up her baby and keeping it explains Dick Mullen of CAS She must make the final decision MARSHAS STORY You feel nobody loves you By BOB MARTIN Era News Editor NEWMARKET A handicap that would have destroyed some parents brought Marshas child back to her Marsha not her real name is an unmarried mother Pregnant at the age of she decided to give her baby up for adoption Then fate stepped in Her daughter was discovered to be blind To understand how that series of events affected Marsha is to understand Marsha herself She was in Grade when she became pregnant Her relationship with an older man was her first and was she says in retrospect an attempt to keep up with her friends i She did not have a steady boyfriend her girl friends did but having intimate relations gave her the upper hand Your curiosity gets the better of you she notes Sixteen is a very difficult age because you feel nobody loves you With six years of experience behind her Marsha her actions as childish but typical for a 16yearold She knew she was pregnant long before any doc tors tests While Marsha admits frankly that the knowledge was not at first unpleasant pregnancy had never before entered her mind The thought of getting pregnant never even oc curred to me she explains But it happened and for Marsha it was a good feeling She explains it thusty As soon as you get pregnant you want to protect yourself I liked it Even at I enjoyed it Reality soon set logic soon comes in she continues Im not really entitled to that feeling She and the babys father began to discuss getting married He liked the idea of being a father but he didnt want the responsibility Marsha recalls I sort of Overloaded him and he split after three months The Grade student was alone but she was determined to solve the problem on her own She told her school guidance counsellor was referred to a Newmarket doctor and then finally referred to Childrens Aid Society worker The worker held several noon hour meetings with Marsha in the school parking lot I said I didnt want to stay at home because I didnt think it was fair to my family says Marsha At the time her two sisters were eight and 10 years I always figured they would get a bad name ause of what I did notes Marsha She also had an image of the ideal environment in which a child should be raised It included clothes toys money and most im portantly the love of two parents I didnt feel I could give her that she explains After deciding to enter a home for unwed mothers Marsha the news of her pregnancy lo her mother She was a little hurt because I hadnt gone to her first she says The 16yearold specifically made the decision to enter the home before consulting her mother in an effort to assert her independence and show her mother she could handle the situation Explains Marsha It was for me to get myself out of it Fiercely independent and stubborn she didnt shed a tear during her pregnancy I never cried she says I never felt that crying would solve the problem I didnt feel it would take anything away Tears did come later however when she found herself caring for a handicapped child Marsha spent four months in a Toronto home for unwed mothers During that time she continued her education through correspondence courses Lessons were also mailed to her by guidance counsellor and sent back to the school for marking That was the only thing I really wanted to do she says with the determination of six years ago still in her voice I really wanted to get my Grade Her daughter was born in midMarch By early April Marsha was back in school She had made the decision to give the baby up but could never return to her carefree days of pre pregnancy I had skipped two or three years of my life in just nine months she explains Marsha saw the baby no more than four limes immediately after it was born I knew if I saw her and touched her and fed her and loved her I would have to take her home recalls the young mother One of the few times she saw the child was for official identification and to sign the adoption papers While CAS officials say a lawyer is appointed to represent mothers who have not reached legal age Marsha stresses the importance of having an adult read papers before they arc signed Youre signing a lot away once you sign those papers she explains Thats it youre cut off The tears that werent shed during nine months of pregnancy came as Marsh signed the papers She was crying so hard she recalls that she couldnt read her own name Although adoption procedures stipulate that a natural mother has three weeks in which to revoke her decision Marsha contends that the time frame is far too short Describing it as a ridiculous amount of time she says three weeks docs not provide a young girl with enough time to straighten out her thoughts For Marsha those thoughts became confused almost immediately after the baby was born Determined to give her baby up from the start she soon had mixed feelings I was really in a turmoil she says As soon as I had her it was a different perspective I had second thoughts all the time But she did sign the papers and resigned herself to never seeing the baby again To reestablish herself and avoid living at home she accepted a job as a livein babysitter in Toronto And then fate stepped in one June afternoon Her social worker came by for a visit that although it happened six years ago Marsha still recalls vividly She describes not only the conversation that took place but the entire look and atmosphere of the Toronto home that fateful day Her daughters adoptive parents learning that child was likely Wind returned her Childrens Aid custody The society had a moral and legal obligation to inform the natural mother since the adoption wouldnt be finalized for another three months At the news that her child was blind Marsha momentarily drew into a shell All sounds turned right off she recalls I was upset was really angry Against the advice of her social worker Marsha decided to keep the baby Right from that day she was mine the young mother explains She and her daughter now live with Marshas parents While original decision to give up her baby was an agonizing one her later decision to keep the child provided its own problems As an unmarried mother she became viewed in a tainted light People just have a complete switcharound because unmarried mothers have a bad name she says it took me two years to f iglit for respect Those two years were totally devoted to her daughter It was a major mistake that Marsha says will not happen again mother and child need a balanced relation ship she stresses It really is important that you dont throw your whole life into the child she notes You lose your identity Marsha was and still is prepared to make sacrifices for her daughter When a woman decides keep her child she has to decide the things she is going to give up she stresses For Marsha that means sacrificing any need she has to become a wife as well as a mother I can live with any man I want to she explains but can my child Shes proud of her daughter and when meeting new men makes no attempt to hide the fact she has a fiveyearold child U I hide my child for two or three weeks she explains it means Im ashamed of her Marshas pride in her daughter is shared by five other people who live at her parents home living with my parents has had a lot of in fluence the young mother explains She gets a lot of caring and a lot of love What her fiveyearold daughter doesnt get is five standards of discipline While all family members influence the youngster Marsha has the final word when it comes to discipline Ilicy dont always agree with everything I do when Im bringing her up she notes but they know shes my child and my responsibility Marsha has not only grown from being a mother but has also matured by being the lone parent a blind child Im a lot more appreciative of the things around me she explains Some people have the gift of sight but they dont really sec things An active member of the local association for the mentally retarded shes currently fighting for in tegrated school programs Meanwhile her fight for her own selfesteem continues While she successfully waged the twoyear battle to win back her friends and family outside prejudice still exists Most of the prejudice is among men she says To accept a woman who is not married and has a child Is one thing but to accept a woman with a blind child is another thing Very few men will take the time to understand and really know an unmarried mother she adds Society is not as permissive as everybody says concludes Marsha You know it really is a very life By DEBBIE NEWMARKET Fact and fiction become inter twined in any discussion of pregnancy The vivid picture of a young student dying from a self inflicted abortion was painted in the novel Up the Down Staircase The incident is fiction created by the novelist for dramatic effect Or is it A girl is sent far away from home for a therapeutic abortion After the fetus is removed shes forced lo look at it Look what youve done shes told in a voice that still rings in her worst nightmares Unlike the novelists this incident Is true The girl is from York Region and according lo the Childrens Aid Society is one of 525 unmarried mothers they have assisted during the past seven years Dick Mullen of York Region CAS stresses that the societys figures are not an accurate reflection of the incidence of unmarried within York Only those who want our help come here he explains Some make private arrangements through homes for unwed mothers and hospitals in Toronto Childrens Aid is working to make the life of the teenager in trouble a little easier From the time the girl enters the building with news that she is pregnant to the lime she shows signs of being on the road to leading a normal life again Childrens Aid will be right with her For girls who keep their babies life becomes difficult at the time when the baby turns into a little person and begins to make demands Tlie novelty has worn off and all the friends who said theyd help you keep your baby are long gone explains CAS worker If mother can stay at home it is ihe best place for her she adds If she is homeless however there arc maternity in Toronto and wage homes in York Region The wage homes provide a gi with room board and 15 spending money in return for light duties When immediate accommodations is required on a shortterm basis Yorks Emergency Housing Registry handles referrals through social service agencies that have worked with the girl While the girl is pregnant and after she has had her baby she is encouraged to continue her education through correspondence courses and through special programs that can be set up through her school After years of helping young mothers Mrs has learned not to listen to any decision on keeping or giving up baby until after it has been born She cites the case of a young mother who went through nine months of pregnancy determined to give up her baby but three days after her birth decided to keep it Although CAS makes arrangements for adoption and homes they dont tell a mother what to do Even if a girl is and severely retarded she still has the right to decide whether she wants to keep her baby or not says Mrs Held Lawyers appointed through the Official Guar dians office ensure that the mothers rights are protected adds Mr Mullen Young teens who find themselves pregnant are often the victims of misinformation or the desire to experiment CAS workers explain So many parents tell their children Dont get pregnant I Dont get pregnant What they dont realize Is that they are setting the kids up for just that The words suggest We expect you to get pregnant but dont Couples who have been going together for a year or more usually have a great deal of feeling for each other and are among the largest group falling victim to unwanted pregnancies In such cases the father of the unborn child will often come to the aid of his girlfriend until the time she is visibly pregnant and then leaves her to fend for herself Marriages for the sake of the baby very rarely work out CAS officials stress and the couple can only be sure of their marriage succeeding if they had planned to be together before the pregnancy occurred Unless the girl wishes it the father of her baby Is not contacted by Childrens Aid If the father has not previously supported the girl It is difficult take him to court for money Mr Mullen notes But a commonlaw father does have some privileges If he has supported the girl and she decides to give up her baby tor adoption the father can challenge the decision in court Very few actually use that privilege Giving up the baby for adoption is what Mrs terms an emotionally ripping experience a process which causes the shedding of many tears Eight days after she has had her baby the girl will be out of hospital and ready to decide whether she wiU give up the child The baby is placed in its new home on a trial basis for six months that include regular visits from Childrens Aid to see how the baby has adjusted to its new surroundings After six months adoption becomes finalized the adoptive parents may change the babys name and the natural mother who until this time has been allowed inquire about her baby will hear no more Although the mother is not told who adopted her baby she is given an idea of what kind of home her child is in Most mothers cry when they sign the adoption papers Within a 21day period however they can change their minds and appeal the adoption Hie girl is only advised as to the pros and cons of giving her baby up and keeping it explains Mr Mullen She must make final decision She made the decision to get pregnant she has to decide whether to give it up Some people come n here and expect us to make their decisions for them but we cant do that In an age when birth control is so easily obtained why do unmarried girls still get pregnanl They dont want to be prepared because it makes them look promiscuous Mr Mullen says They are told how Pill works The girls themselves offer straightforward reason he adds 1 didnt take it last week because I didnt have sex Or Rut it was only once While there will always be teenaged pregnancies it is lucky that there will be Childrens Aid too They will be there to arrange housing when there is none to explain what went wrong with the Pill to talk single mothers who hit terrible lows when realize that they arc responsible for the life of another person visit and educate to rehabilitate and to bring families together Bui perhaps most importantly CAS says You know its not the end of the world NEXT WEEK She will be told she was kept out of love The effect of the Pill Where to go if you need help bob Martin When a woman decides to keep her child she has decide the things she is going to give up says Marsha an unwed mother at the age of 16