The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

P know I don‘t have to tell you ‘ this, but we are living in one very eerie era. I mean, did you ever think you‘d see a time when the baseball players were on strike and the post office wasn‘t? nuch good farce is being perâ€" formed in courts of law, comedy clubs will soon start closing down faster than roadside shooter bars. l * In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a woman sued a McDonald‘s restauâ€" rant because she claimed they made the coffee too hot, and a jury awarded her $2.9â€"million in damâ€" ages. Apparently, the financial setâ€" tlement would have been much higher, but her lawyer failed to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, McDonald‘s also make french fries way too thin. In Hamilton, Ontario, a mother has filed a $2.4â€"million lawsuit alleging negligence, by the Chedokeâ€"McMaster Hospital because she experienced pain durâ€" ing childbirth. If she is successful, I see no reason why she shouldn‘t follow this up by suing her husband for experiencing pleasure during conception. f In Michigan, a man has sued the Anheuserâ€"Busch Brewing Company for false advertising because he drank their beer but, unlike the promise they made him, he didn‘t get lucky with women. And the harder he tried, the sicker he got. A judge dismissed his $10,000 lawsuit. Can you imagine the mentality of a man who thinks he can attract beautiful women by drinking Busch Beer? It‘s Molson Golden, stupid! eptember 14, 1994 The whole world has gone lawsuit crazy However, the threat that looms argest over democracy, justice, and he North American way is that so As a result of these recent lawâ€" suits, I have taken unusual, but not illogical, steps of suing you. I mean it. I, as your regular columnist, am Suing you, the regular reader of this column, and may I add that, although I‘ve enjoyed this relationâ€" ship, you are an abusive, manipulaâ€" tive, domineering, selfish s.0.b. (Sorry, I had to get that on the record.) That‘s right: THOMAS Versus The People. From the day we met, you have been laughing at me. That‘s a fact. And to my face? No, not you. Always when I‘m not in the room with you. How do you think that makes me feel? Like a damn fool, that‘s how it makes me feel. I‘m agitated! I‘m emotionally distressed! I‘m a nerâ€" vous wreck! "Rectum? Damn near killed him!" (See, there you go again with j Commercial Point f 481 North Service Rd. W. Unit #Â¥10 (Between Dcrval 4th Line) The Power to Empower kville 847â€"KIDSs 847â€"5437 ~â€"COMMENT This Saturday, 10am â€" 5pm. Join us as we unveil our new Preview Centre Fall Buyers Guide to Educational Software Take advantage of some Great Opening Specials, while you preview (ie Latest Greatest Educatl[()xecwal Software Futurekids will help your child make the most of the new school year! Computer Literacy Plus! Futurekids is an exciting learning adventure where kids ages 5â€"12 learn to do amazing things. We help children â€" in over 1,600 locations around the globe â€" master their world by mastering the power of computers! With great teachers and only 4 kids/group â€" plus a curriculum that includes keyboarding, computer assisted math and reading, desktop publishing, animation, robotics and more â€" your child will have an empowering, funâ€"filled learning experience. Kids love to learn at Futurekids! Call now about our backâ€"toâ€"school special! There‘s no obligation, but classes fill up fast so please don‘t wait. that dirty little sniggering at my expense). There‘s a woman I bump into at the local A P store and every time she sees me, she just points at me and laughs. Others in the store who don‘t read this column stand there and stare at me wondering what‘s wrong. It‘s gotten so bad I now shop at A P with my fly down so as not to arouse suspicious looks. How do you think that makes me feel? (No, drafty is now the right answer.) I feel stupid. I feel as stupid as a cop who took six years of advanced police training and now sits in an empty van beside the highway listening to a camera click in the back window. I know for a fact that some (okay, a few) of you actually clip this column and send it to other people. How do you think that makes me feel? Like a pair of unwashed, used, handâ€"meâ€"down underwear, which by the way, the manager of A P has requested I wear while shopping in his store after that nasty freezerâ€"burn inciâ€" dent which is currently the subject of another lawsuit I have going against Birdseye Frozen Foods. And more than a few of you have actually telephoned my mothâ€" er after reading one of my columns and asked if I‘d ever been dropped PUD 2. When prompted enter the 3. To end your call press 1. Call 845â€"5585 (touch tone only) J Comic Book Studio O Fun with Math 4â€"digit code from the directory on my head as a baby Just how do you think that makes me feel? Dizzy, because it happened, which is why I‘m also suing my sister Gail "Slippery Fingers" Burns for spiking me on a Little sense in how we make money 7 DOTHEM UP / HIMSELE! 7 ent to a rick guy‘s party last night. Very nice, I suppose. Phoneys by the yard. Champagne by the bucket. Shrimp dip all over the place, like ashtrays in a bingo hall. But it got me to thinkingâ€"â€"hey, this guy‘s strictly nouveau. A carpetbagger. Where do you live if you‘re really, really in the bucks? I‘d always heard Rosedaleâ€"â€"that mapleâ€"leafed enclave in deepest, darkest Hogtown. Rosedale is a disâ€" trictâ€"â€"a back yard reallyâ€"â€"about three rapes and a plunder north of the nucleus of downtown Torontoâ€"â€" which is to say, Yonge and Dundas. You get no junkies with Rosedale. No panhandlers with dirty mouths AT Directory ...... Advertising... CHURCH DIRECTORY TOP 10 W@@KIY MOVi@S Top 10 Weekly Videos ............ 2 Oakville Symphony Orchestra................... Oakville Centre for the Performing Arts..... Theatre COMMUNITY/ NONâ€"PROFIT GROUPS If you plan to seek office in the 1994 Municipal Election, you must register with the Town Clerk before you spend or raise any money for campaign activities. This requirement applies to every person who intends to seek elected office as Mayor, Local Councillor, Local and Regional Councillor, School Board Trustee or Hydroâ€"Electric Commissioner. Registration forms must be submitted to the Town Clerk before 5:00 p.m. on Friday, October 14th). (Note: Special 5 p.m. closing on this day only For more information call the Clerk‘s Department at 845â€"6601, extension 3161. Council Meeting 730 p.m. Council Chambers CALL BEFORE YOU CAMPAIGN! TOWN OF OAKVILLE 845â€"6601 hardwood floor in a warâ€"time house in 1947. You add it all up and no jury in North America would deny the fact that I‘ve been harassed, harangued, abused, abutted, emotionally disâ€" tressed, mentally depressed, and publicly impugned, although I hate to keep referring back to that embarrassing scene with the frozen dinner. Hell, I‘ve been traumatized. What‘s worse. I‘ve been truncated which carries an even heftier price tag. or running sores. No street gangs. No hookers or beggars or winos. Rosedale is mercifully free of all such...distractions. And, not suprisingly, Rosedale is rather wealthy. Turns out that in 1992, your average Rosedale resiâ€" dent took home $48,000. It may not sound exactly princely, but it is about two and half times above the BUT THAT WAY, HE WON‘T KNOW, 5049 5700 5701 5410 6216 /‘v L B h fi\% Leave "UPDATE" information Question of the week............. Speak your mind ....... Weekly Poll........ JOKE OF THE DAY LOTTERIES HEALTH FACT OF THE WEEK Circulation department ............. NOMG COIIVBIY iesns Shop Locally Information.......... Lottario Results 649 Results At this point, even you, the defendant, would not need a Bible in your hand to admit that I‘ve been mentally destabilized. No, you add it all up and it comes to either $3.4â€"million or $4.3â€"million. I haven‘t yet decided on the figure of higher value. So put down this newspaper and call a good lawyer because I‘ll be seeing you in court. You‘ll recogâ€" nize me immediately. I‘ll be wearâ€" ing a neck brace where my shorts would normally be. national average of $18,600. Is anybody, anywhere in Canada, still able to live on an income of $18,600 a year? If so, I‘d love to hear from them. Write this paper, wouldja? Meanwhile...the cost of living. I checked the Guiness Book of Records and discovered that. wellâ€" poorest country. Average income per person: $70 A year. But the Guiness Book of Records is strangely incomplete. It doesn‘t give a rating for Brunei, an eensyâ€"teensy flyspeck of a nation perched on the north coast of the island of Borneo. Meanwhile...the cost of living. I checked the Guiness Book of Records and discovered that, wellâ€" heeled as it is, Rosedale isn‘t even in the top 10 globeâ€"wise. According to Guiness, the richâ€" est country in the world is Switzerland. Canada is not even in the top ten. But don‘t feel hard doneâ€"by. You could live in Mozambique. The poor wretches of that African hellâ€" hole hold the title of the world‘s NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN that on Tuesday, September 6, 1994 one copy of the Preliminary List of Electors (Ward 1â€"Ward 6) for the Town of Oakville was posted in the following places: CLERK‘S OFFICE, TOWN HALL, 1225 TRAFALGAR ROAD CENTRAL LIBRARY, 120 NAVY STREET OAKVILLE FIRE DEPT.. CENTRAL STATION 125 RANDALL STREET Electors should examine the Preliminary List of Electors to ensure that their names and relevant information are correctly shown. If the information on the Preliminary List of Electors is incorrect, or if information should be added or deleted, please obtain the prescribed application form to revise the information. Application forms for revisions are available during the revision period which began on Tuesday, September 6, 1994 and ends on Friday, October 14, 1994. The prescribed application forms are available at the Clerk‘s Office, 1225 Trafalgar Road, Oakville during office hours 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Preliminary List of Electors for each respective ward will be available for review at the following locations: Judith Muncaster Returning Officer and Revising Officer TOWN OF OAKVILLE WARD 1 QUEEN ELIZABETH PARK SCHOOL, 2301 YOLANDA DRIVE WARD 2 WOODSIDE LIBRARY, 1274 REBECCA STREET WARD 3 MAPLEGROVE SCHOOL, 288 MAPLEGROVE DRIVE WARD 4 ST. IGNATIUS OF LOYOLA SECONDARY SCHOOL 1550 NOTTINGHILL GATE WARD 5 WHITE OAKS LIBRARY, 1070 McCRANEY STREET EAST WARD 6 FALGARWOOD SCHOOL, 1385 GAINSBOROUGH DRIVE THE MUNICIPAL ELECTIONS ACT R.S.0. 1990 NOTICE OF POSTING OF THE PRELIMINARY LIST OF ELECTORS .5383 .5380 5037 5035 7467 by Steve Nease Community Policing Listing of Areas Crime Prevention .................................. Crime Stoppe! ** "Crime 0 the ie Child Find .............. RECYOLING cce SENIORS â€" 0.S.C.Recreation Centre ....... SUGGESTION BOX WEATHER (Dept. of Environment) For Excellent Real Estate service advice, just call JACKIE VAN‘T HULLENAAR «people properties inc. AN INDEPENDENT MEMBER BROKER Sales Representative And this just hot off the wire: a San Francisco jury just awarded a legal secretary $7.1â€"million in a sexual harassment case. The woman was absolutely shocked because she had asked for only $3.5â€"million. So, there it is. Not only am I looking for a jury, in my case against you, that‘s sympathetic and empathetic to really stupid and frivolous lawsuits, I want one that‘s not so hot at math, too. In fact, just plain pathetic would do just fine. I‘m not sure what the annual income of your average Bruneian is, but I know there‘s only about a quarter million of them and I know their boss, the Sultan of Brunei, is officially worth about $37â€"billion, give or take a nickel. Something tells me it‘s better to be a poor man in Brunei than a poor man in Berne. And another oversight in the Guiness Book of Recordsâ€"â€"not a word about Polaris. Perhaps you‘ve never been there. Almost certainly you‘ve never been there. Polaris is a tiny, hardâ€" scrabble settlement on the edge of Little Cornwallis Island, which is 100 km from the north magnetic pole. Just 200 people live in Polaris, all of them dedicated to hauling as much lead and zinc as they can out of the frozen ground for their employers., Cominco Ltd. and Teck Corporation of Vancouver. It‘s not a glamorous life. Polaris is about as barren a spot as you could find on the planet. For 10 months of the year the landscape is (See ‘Waiting‘ page 8) Dated at Oakville this September, 1994 5509 5561