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economist sunsuntribune community saturday april 3 2004 saying terminally ill patients families travel similar paths by lisa queen staff writer like many terminally ill patients sharon collierlarge seemed to choose the moment of her death somewhere between hanging on for a last visit with her family and waiting for them to leave her room so they wouldnt wit ness her passing she let go i dont think my mom would have died in front of me said shannon collier whose mother had been in a coma leading up to her death last september mrs collierlarges death and her jour ney through breast cancer werent unique she and her family more or less followed the same route travelled by countless termi nally ill patients shock anger resiliency denial hope despair pain courage support resourceful ness selfishness love they tried on and discarded each emotion in turn in the end mrs collier a richmond hill mother wife teacher and girl giiideleader embraced dignity we didnt break any new ground said ms collier who hopes her mothers story will inspire others at the same time she praised her mom as an unbelievable fighter she managed to pack 85 years of living into 56 short years never quitting not even at the end she managed to inspire and impress everyone around her she said she took the hand that was dealt her and played to win i am proud to be her daugh ter i am proud to carry her genes i hope i too will live my life by the same rules never give up never give negative a chance control your future and learn from your past ms collier was 16 her older sister jennifer 19 when her mother was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 1991 at the age of 44 i dont think they called it breast cancer at the time she went for a routine mammo gram and there was a problem with her lymph nodes she said although she and her mother were always close ms collier was still reelingfrom the recent breakup of her parents marriage i wasnt very supportive i was in denial i was a rebel as a teenager and i thought this doesnt happen to people like me she was a strong woman so for her to be sick she was nt allowed to get sick she said i wasnt mad at her i was mad at cancer why my mom she never did anything to anybody i was resentful i had this rebellious lifestyle i had to curb for a while those are typical reactions to serious ill ness a time of upheaval in the lives of patients and their families said jack knight a newmarket psychotherapist in the case of a person with a terminal ill ness as opposed to the sudden death of a loved one the process of loss starts from the point of the diagnosis what you are experiencing is the loss of the life that could have been mr knight said there is no cookiecutter approach but there are many usual ways of grieving no matter what the age of the person who has had a loss its very much a process in which each of us has to deal with the loss in our own way eventually i like to focus beyond the loss to celebrating the life of the person lost initially her mothers illness seemed like a minor health concern ms collier said after treatment mrs collierlarge threw herself back into life she married her second husband don in 1994 the couple participated in royal scottish country dancing even belonging to a demonstration team for two years running mrs collierlarge was acting chairperson of the annual tartan ball at the royal york hotel in toronto she belonged to a quilting group a week ly bridge league played golf travelled taught at richmond hill high school and took part in many other activities they were activities she refused to forego when the cancer returned five years after her original diagnosis she was clean for five years so it was like it was not big deal ms collier said it wasnt serious she ducked the bullet my sister and i were in denial that it was over my mom said youre never clear it could come back through a mastectomy chemotherapy radiation and drug cocktails ms collier said her mom kept on always with a positive atti tude and her wicked sense of humour she was totally upbeat even when she was really sick she was more worried about making others happy a lot of people didnt even know she was sick she said she thought she could beat it just cut it out of me i beat it once i know i can beat it again after the mastectomy she was 100- percent mom unfortunately mrs collierlarges busy oncologist failed to recognize what turned out to be classic symptoms that the cancer had metastasized or spread to her brain staff photobill roberts shannon collier of richmond hill holds a photograph of her mother sharon who died of breast cancer last fall the family later lodged a complaint with the college of physicians and surgeons which found the physician was overbur dened with too many patients in may 2002 mrs collierlarge and her husband were participating in a dance con vention in new york when she decided to return to her hotel room for a nap she woke up in the middle of a seizure and was paralysed down one side she tried to use the phone but was unable to so she dragged herself into the hall after being treated at a hospital in connecticut mrs collierlarge was brought to sunnybrook where she learned she had an untreatable brain tumour inoperable and left hopeless my mother did the unthinkable she persevered ms collier said she kept buying plane tickets and taking vacations she continued to dance when she could resting when she couldnt unable to reach her at home one day i discovered her on the golf course barely getting through six holes but playing anyway despite all her efforts mrs collierlarges condition continued to deteriorate shortly after travelling to british columbia last summer to help her stepson celebrate his 40th birthday she was admit ted to hill house hospice in richmond hill where she would spend her final days however when she learned her daugh ters wanted to participate in the weekend to end breast cancer a twoday 60kuometre fundraiser she got the ball rolling by e-mail- ing everyone she knew to raise money sept 21 her daughters visited their mother now in a coma after completing the walkathon to tell her about the event after the women and their stepfather left mrs collierlarge died i told her about the walk i said i loved her and i was proud of her ms collier said i went home just as i put my head on the pillow the phone rang they called to say she had passed away ms collier admits she worries the disease that robbed her mother of life could some day strike her so she thinks about what she eats if shes getting enough sleep if stress is affecting her whether air pollution or something else is taking its toll my mom didnt think about any of that stuff got cancer a couple of times kicked its ass a couple of times lived her life without a single doubt to the nth degree of no regrets ms collier said i dont want to live my life burdened by the what ifs of cancer i want to live it like my mom did if i get cancer then i get cancer but i deal with it standing up not laying down she may have died from cancer but she lived for everything else thats her legacy your business 500000 views per month yorkregioncom its an a game of punch buggy 5niirce- fiitscatalvst february 2004 report for wwwyorkregioncom call bryce mcgregor at 9052942200 for more information