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s a friend in meade tctt yjof v abused wife needs support of friends dr ed meade is aregistered psychologist and director of the mar- kham stoultville family life centre in this column he answers questions from readers covering a wide variety of topics q i have an acquaintance who is frequently abused both mentally and physically by her husband they have a child and are expecting another any day now it upsets me to see the situation she is in and i feel like shaking her and telling her she doesnt have to put up with it i know it is her problem but my knowing about it seems to have made it my problem too do i have any legal obligation to report what is going on what if anything should i say to her a i believe you have no legal obligation to report your acquaint ances situation it can be frustrating to be close to a person who is involved in a physically abusive relationship and is not choosing an exit my experience with these situations is that women can fear the independence and being on their own more than they fear the beat ings which occur in the relationship physical violence has no part in a relationship perhaps you could alert other women to reach out and help your friend get out of her situation there are groups being run in york region designed for women experiencing psychological and physical abuse call the markham stouff ville family life centre at 2942371 for information perhaps you could accompany her to one of these group meetings often it is the support of other women which enables a women to leave a violent relationship if you can give guidance to the abusive husband there are also groups for men who abuse women perhaps this couple would be willing to talk with a counsellor at the ms family life centre there is no legal obligation but perhaps there is a moral obligation to help your friend q i am frustrated with one of my personality traits i am afraid of confrontations of any kind i get taken advantage of frequently be cause i wont speak my mind for fear of an argument when my wife and i disagree she yells and screams i clam up and wont give my side of the argument or else i avoid the yelling completely by giving in against my better judgment before the fight begins do you think i could be this way because my parents fought a great deal when i was growing up what can i do to remedy the situation i resent myself for not speaking my own mind yet the thought of doing it terrifies me a you appear to be frustrated with your lack of assertiveness in life it seems to be interfering with your life in general but more particu larly with your marriage you ask if i think youre doing this because your parents fought a great deal my answer is no this could well be a factor which influ ences your life but there is no causeandeffect relationship between your parents fighting and your lack of assertiveness it could well be that you are connecting the two in your mind and deciding to be quiet rather than argue you may have learned as a child that to be quiet is less dangerous than to argue this is a learned social skill and new learning can overcome the social deficit you are experiencing may i suggest that you first give up the selfresentment give yourself a break your quietness has value and probably contributes a certain balance to your marital relationship the new learning could well be gained in a group counselling situation perhaps you and your wife if she will participate would grow through a group experience groups can be found through the markham stouffville family life centre or there are many other group programs in north york and toronto you could also read books on assertiveness or seek individual counsel to increase both your awareness and your assertiveness may i say lastly that by recognizing your frustration you are on the way to developing assertiveness when we are not aware of our frustration is when we are truly stuck q my marriage is over my husband and i havent communicated in years he is very involved in work friends and sports and spends very little time at home when he is home he complains and becomes angry at the smallest things my problem is that i cant leave him because we have three chil dren and financially i cannot afford to support them on my own i havent worked for years and an office job that i would be qualified for wouldnt pay well enough am i stuck in a relationship that is hurting everyone involved including the children because of money do i have an option i want out a when you say your marriage is over you may mean that a phase of your marital relationship is over you paint a helpless scenario one which many women who have children experience there are many details not supplied that might make a difference have you sought professional help concerning your situation hav ing a competent trained person to be a fair witness to your marriage and family difficulties often makes a tremendous difference if your husband will not cooperate in resolving the difficulties you might look to increasing your assertiveness take an assertiveness training course and learn to fulfill your own needs your husband might benefit from your leadership and from a strong assertive stand on your part you might look at your relationship as a union management situa tion if you are a union you need the strength of a strike let manage ment know you wont be pushed around without laying blame you need solid current legal information family laws have changed in canada providing a greater possibility of justice for women for instance if you have custody of the children your hus band would be required to provide adequate support for them finally could you begin to develop an alternate career now talk to a career counsellor at seneca college most people look for a job while they are still in the present one dr meade welcomes your questions if your response is published name and identity if included will be withheld please direct ques tions to the markham stouffville family life centre at 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